Gore’s Unreleased Concession Speech

I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore’s first draft of his concession speech. I’m told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.


“What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.

“Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I’m not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of ’em of those wackos voted against me. They best be watching their back because I’m *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.

“Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I’m the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.

“Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you’ve got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.

“To the 50% of Americans who didn’t even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you’re getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in “Goofy” you would have been better off.

“And to my home state of Tennessee. The “Volunteer State.” Well, I got your “volunteer” hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

“All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I’d fight for you so it’s for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I’ll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I’ll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice President.

“What a pisser.”

Goreisms

There were Bushisms and Quayleisms, and now there are Goreisms…..

  • “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
  • “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
  • “Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
  • “Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.”
  • “Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
  • “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
  • “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
  • “I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”
  • “One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.'”
  • “Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
  • “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
  • “The future will be better tomorrow.”
  • “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
  • “People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
  • “I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
  • “We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”
  • “Public speaking is very easy.”
  • “I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat.”
  • “A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
  • “When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
  • “Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
  • “We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
  • “For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
  • “Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
  • “The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make.”
  • “We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
  • “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
  • “[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

Political Kittens

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box, kid?” The little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”

Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” the child says.

“Oh, that’s cute,” Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”

The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”

“Whoa!” Al says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What’s up?”

“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”

Dear Al

From: The White House
To: Albert Gore, Jr.

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won!

When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

Al Gore’s Concession Speech

  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election… Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote… crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
    Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a “loser” crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
    My fellow Americans: I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
    Hello, my fellow Americans. It’s been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
    My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach)
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That’s called “stealing”, and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
    My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It’s not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida… Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
    Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times… Ah, forget it.

Al Gore, Poor Black Child?

Good afternoon. I’m Al Gore, and I’d like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.

My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for “Huckleberry Finn”.

Back then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister’s name was Martin Luther King, Jr.

My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, “Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school.”

But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie – which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me “Norma Rae”.

When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it — the Rolling Stones.

But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.

When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man, I’ve breathed the mountain air, man, I’ve traveled, I’ve done my share, man, I’ve been everywhere. And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: “Al, we need you in Washington.”

I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business — building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field’s chocolate chip cookies.

Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.

Since then, I’ve been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, “Of course. That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?” During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.

So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice — words I’ll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, “Al, just tell the truth, it’s always worked for me.”