Tag Archives: computer

Computer Instructions

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Please Read Instructions Carefully

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would normally give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except for the fact that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

IMPORTANT!

Read This Before Using Your New Device

PLEASE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN’T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON “FAST FORWARD”, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let’s talk about:

  1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

    The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

    PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER’S
    ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
    WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

    Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.

    WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

    If you attempt to return device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh at you in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

    Besides the device, the box should contain:

    • Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”
    • A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

    YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

    IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why.”

    WARNING:

    This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret, and not Harvey.

  2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

    The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry’s Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. Connecting this device should only be attempted by a qualified electrician. Lay the power cord gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

    WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

  3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

    WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF “SHOGUN” ON TAPE.

    INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Figure B.

  4. WARRANTY
    Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

Installation Setup

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  • Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

    • SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

    • 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
    • 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
    • 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
    • 3546 MB RAM
    • 432323 MB ROM
    • 05948737 MB RPM
    • ANTILOCK DISK-BRAKING SYSTEM
    • DRIVER AIR-BAG
    • NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
  • Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
  • Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette (little bigger than a credit-card) or CD-ROM like a shiny 33LP), located inside a sealed envelope that says:

    LICENSING AGREEMENT:

    By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light, ..finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you’ve been a great
    crowd, and don’t forget to tip your servers.

  • Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.”
  • If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.
  • Turn the computer on, you idiot!
  • Once again type “SETUP” and press Any key. If you don’t have an Any key, one can be purchased via 1-800-424-3468 or 1-800-IBI-DIOT. For now press the Enter key.
  • You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

    The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: YES, NO, ???

  • Regardless of your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like “puree.exe,” “fester.dat,” and “doo.wha.”
  • When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

    *** CONGRATULATIONS ***

    The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

    If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!

  • At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
  • Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12 or why you need to buy an upgrade.

Installation Disk Blues

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Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”

Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”

Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”

Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”

Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”

Tech Support: “You did what sir?”

Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”

Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”

Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”

Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”

Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”

Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?”

Silence

Tech Support: “Sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”

Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”

Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”

Customer: “Ummmm.”

Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”

Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”

Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

Spinoffs on the I Love You Virus

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Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You”
variations and how to recognize them:

  • The “I Love You, Too” virus responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
  • The “I Love You, But I’m Shy” virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
  • The “Unrequited Love” virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
  • The “Love The One You’re With” virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
  • The “Can’t We Just Be Friends” virus makes your computer think it’s interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
  • The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus – Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
  • The “One Night Stand” virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
  • The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
  • The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
  • The “I Can’t Commit” virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer’s data.
  • The “It’s Just A Physical Thing” virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
  • The “I Want A Divorce” virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session.
  • The “Little Virus Of The Evening” virus will do anything to your computer–if you’re willing to pay the right price.
  • The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
  • The “Forever Single” virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
  • The “Deadbeat Dad” virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
  • The “Married Too Long” virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com. — This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.
  • The “Let’s just be friends” virus – Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
  • The “Unsafe Sex” virus – Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
  • The “Safe Sex” virus – Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
  • The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus – Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.

I Don’t Wanna

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I don’t wanna do the dishes,
I don’t wanna do the wash;
I sprinkled clothes a week ago,
And now my iron is lost!!

I don’t wanna rattle pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I see the mail light flashin’,
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped;
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place I can stop!

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves

They could sprinkle fairy dust,
and twitch their little nose.
The windows would be sparkling;
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’,
My head is in the sky;
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath;
Doggy needs attention.
Wait! The other way around I mean –
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin’ round in circles,
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web chat,
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I’m not addicted,
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff can wait on me –
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

Idiot’s Guide to Windows Operating Systems

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  • Multitasking
    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!

  • Built-in Networking
    You can crash several PC’s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

  • Microsoft Network
    Connect with other Windows users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.

  • PnP
    Plug and Pray (that it works)

  • Multimedia
    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software.

  • Increased Productivity
    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and Hard Drives. Better yet, get a new computer! That’s productivity.

  • User-Friendly
    Picture of clouds

  • State of the Art
    Pay for Bill’s next bid for a work of art.

  • Macintosh-like
    It took Microsoft eleven years and it’s not even original.

  • Online Registration
    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your hard drive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft’s files for the rest of your life.

  • MS Plus
    More money for Bill’s plus side.

  • Optimize
    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and CPU so much so that you’ll end up upgrading your system.

May I Have a Drive Expander?

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It is reported that an IBM Service rep received the following call:

“I tried to install your product and it failed miserably. I inserted disk #1 and it worked fine. It then asked me to insert disk #2 into the drive, it took some doing but it worked. The program then asked for disk #3. Now I don’t know what you people are thinking, but if you are going to use more then two diskettes in an installation, please send along a drive expander so that we can insert more than two disks into the drive at the same time.”

How to Tell if Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

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  • Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
  • You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
  • You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.
  • You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
  • You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
  • When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
  • You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
  • You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
  • You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
  • You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
  • You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
  • Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
  • You back up your data every day.
  • Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
  • You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
  • On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
  • The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
  • You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
  • You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
  • You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  • You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
  • You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
  • Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.
  • You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
  • While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
  • You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
  • You rotate your profile pictures more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  • You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.
  • You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.
  • You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

How to Get a Life

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It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here’s How:

  • Let go of the mouse.
  • Turn off the computer.
  • Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
  • Eat something other than taco chips.
  • Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
  • Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
  • Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
  • Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
  • Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
  • When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
  • If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of poking them.
  • Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.
  • Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name.
  • Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

You Know You’re Hooked When…

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  • Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.
  • You’re in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.
  • You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML and FTP mean…but damned if you can remember your wife’s maiden name or your wedding anniversary. Don’t even talk about the kids’ names!
  • You sit in front of the TV…trying to type at a keyboard.
  • You “right click”….on your wife’s nipples.
  • The “cute name” for your member has changed to “Joystick”….and you hold it the same way.
  • You find out that Hemorrhoids aren’t THAT painful, as long as you’re on the ‘Net.
  • When someone yells out “What’s for supper?” you do a search for SUPPER.COM.
  • Whenever your wife mentions “protection”, you remind yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector.
  • You suspect there’s a virus in your mashed potatoes.