Tag Archives: computer

Losing My Connection

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by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Apologies to REM)

Windoze is bigger
It’s bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with Linux
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven’t bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I’m
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.

Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream

I hope that was a dream…

You Know You’re Living on the ‘Net When…

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  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
  • You buy a computer and 3 months later it’s out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
  • Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
  • Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
  • You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
  • You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
  • You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
  • Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to.

If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer…

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  • If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!
  • To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
  • Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
  • To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
  • To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
  • When you loose your car keys, click on find.
  • “Help” with the chores is just a click away.
  • Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
  • And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on it’s way to YOU…

I Want My FTP

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(Sung to the tune of “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits)

I want my
I want my
I want my FTP.

Now look at them yo-yo’s that’s the way you do it
You get the files from the FTP
That ain’t programming, that’s the way you do it
Programs for nothing and the code is free
Now that ain’t programming, that’s the way you do it
Let me tell you those guys aren’t pissed
Maybe break a nail on your little finger,
Maybe get some numbness in your wrist.

We’ve got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We’ve got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs
Yeah buddy he’s got root
That little user got his own workstation
That little user got his own disk to boot.

We’ve got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We’ve got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

I should’ve learned to run xarchie
I should’ve learned to play them games
Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor
Man we could have some fun
And he’s up there, what’s that? Orgasm noises?
Playing sound files like a grade-school geek
That ain’t programming that’s the way you do it
Get your programs for nothing get your code for free.

We’ve got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We’ve got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

Now that ain’t programming, that’s the way you do it
You get your programs from the FTP
That ain’t programming that’s the way you do it
Programs for nothing and your code for free
Programs for nothing and code for free.

The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support

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These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you…

  1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can’t do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk… you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to answer it?
  2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius! You want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
  3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hexnumber???
  4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of, “Hi, how’s it going” or “Busy today?” That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
  5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally screwed. We didn’t screw it up. It wasn’t us. We’re simply telling it like it is.
  6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o’ crap shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
  7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON’T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can’t stress that one enough.
  8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you’d know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It’s just you. Keep that in mind. It’s just you.
  9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most… the elderly.
  10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
  11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you’re not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren’t technological psychics.
  12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you’re experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn’t us who caused it.
  13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don’t know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we’re well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced “help, the Internet is broken!” Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don’t call us.
  14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you’re doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you’d notice.
  15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don’t know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you’re completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.
  16. DO NOT call in if you can’t speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be ‘computer’ or ‘broken’ doesn’t absolve you of the offense.
  17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it’s screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it’s screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he’s going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
  18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn’t think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it’s come up. For god sakes, if you can’t control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you’re on.

In The Beginning

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An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:

“And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay,” he said, “we need a name of a service that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “Whoopee!”, said Abraham. “No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.

and that is how it all began…..

Internet Technical Support

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  • A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
    The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

  • Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
    Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?”

  • Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
    Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
    Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
    Customer: “What do you mean?”
    Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
    Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

  • Overheard in a computer shop:
    Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
    Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
    Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

  • I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
  • Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”

  • I work for a local ISP. Frequently, we receive phone calls that go something like this:
    Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

  • Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

  • Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
    Tech Support: “Yeah.”
    Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
    Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

  • Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
    Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icon. I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
    Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”
    Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
    Tech Support: “Well why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet? Is ‘little picture’ ok?”
    Customer: [click]

  • Customer: “My computer crashed!”
    Tech Support: “It crashed?”
    Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
    Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
    Customer: “No, it didn’t crash – it crashed.”
    Tech Support: “Huh?”
    Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
    Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
    Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
    Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

The Internet is Like a Penis

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  • It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
  • In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
  • It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
  • It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
  • If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
  • It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
  • We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
  • If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
  • It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, “why on earth did I do that?”
  • Some folks have it, some don’t.
  • Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
  • Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
  • Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

The Annual Internet Clean-up Campaign

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The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted.

All internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:

  1. Back-up all “bookmarks” or “favorites”–these will be essential to your ability to find your favorite sites once the internet has been cleaned.
  2. Clean out your history folder on your internet browser…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/history/files.html.
  3. Clean our your history cache…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/cache/files.html.
  4. AOL users should request form # 843.02.00 by using keyword “Cleanup”. Please do not try to use form # 843.01.00 as it is long out of date.
  5. Prior to the shut down of the internet at 9pm EST on March 31st all internet users are advised to disconnect their computers from their internet access lines (modem or cable connection)..inexperienced users are requested to contact their ISP for information on the disconnection procedure.
  6. Remain off-line and disconnected from the internet until after 9am on April 1st.
  7. Upon reconnecting to the internet direct your web browser to the following website: www.first/start/up/empty.html … this should correct all your bookmarks.

This annual campaign removes all outdated links, old abandoned web pages, and extinct email addresses. This frees up millions of gigabytes of space each year. If people would learn to surf responsibly, without leaving dead and outdated links, this annual campaign would no longer be necessary. John Gutzen, President of Free Old Outdated Links (FOOL), the governing body of the cleanup campaign is quoted “I see the day when the campaign will no longer be required, when no one is a newbie, and when every one follows FOOL’s philosophy. That day is a long way off, but I hope to see it in my life time.”

Please note: If you attempt to connect to the internet during the shut-down time, serious damage to your computer and internet connection could occur.

All users are advised to contact their ISP prior to March 31st 6:00pm EST in the event that they do not understand any of the above.

This notice was prepared by Free Old Outdated Links (Fool) and space was provided free of charge in this Internet publication through a joint internet community effort.

Intel A’Gents

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Software giant A’Gents has teemed up with the premium chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.

The new self-named company’s software, called “Intel A’Gents”, claims that once a computer operator has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. “Someone with Intel A’Gents would automatically have the most up to date anti-virus software and would be making regular backups of their data.”

More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will be a thing of the past. “The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax and the more famous AOL.EXE virus,” said Intel A’Gents spokesman Albert Hawkings, “wouldn’t have caused the least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE virus if they’d only had Intel A’Gents.”

Analysts say if Intel A’Gents catches on (and that’s a big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing) will be changed forever. Hawkings says, “Imagine, if you will, no more chain letters. No more ‘get rich quick’ schemes. No more SPAM because people who have Intel A’Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer.”

Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms, online forums, and message boards. “Just think of the literate postings you could see. The well thought out missives of people who have Intel A’Gents. Even on the personal boards, there’d be no more ‘A/S/L’ or ‘i need sum sex cuz im hornny’ postings because people with Intel A’Gents would concentrate on intimacy — which is far sexier, of course. I’d go so far as to say a person who has Intel A’Gents would be considered *very* sexy.”

Software itself will change, Hawkings says. “Anyone who has Intel A’Gents won’t automatically buy the latest and greatest upgrade just because it’s ‘new.’ Intel A’Gents will advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to make *real* improvements in their software and not just cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on
an upgrade charge.”

Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and WebTV. “AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A’Gents then they won’t use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes, it’s not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV can’t possibly have Intel A’Gents.”