- Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
- Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels
- Ritard — There’s one in every family
- Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps
- Relative Minor — A girlfriend
- Big Band — When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
- Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”
- Repeat — What you do until they just expel you
- Treble — Women ain’t nothin’ but
- Bass — The things you run around in softball
- Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see
- Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
- Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
- Tempo — Good choice for a used car
- A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville
- Transpositions — Men who wear dresses
- Cut Time — Parole
- Order of Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar
- Passing Tone — Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
- Middle C — The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
- Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
- Tuba — A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
- Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
- Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
- Clef — What you try never to fall off of
- Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off
- Altos — Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”
- Minor Third — Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
- Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad
- 12-Tone Scale — The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
- Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul
- Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
- Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo
- Cello — The proper way to answer the phone
- Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
- French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
- Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
- Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives
- Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
- First Inversion — Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy
- Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
- Major Scale — What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Darn! That was a major scale!”
- Aeolian Mode — How you like Mama’s cherry pie
- Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
The Code of the West
A Cowboy’s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender
- A body can pretend to care, but they can’t pretend to be there.
- A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.
- A man with an edgy smile is like a dog with a waggin’ tail: he’s not happy, he’s nervous.
- A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.
- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
- After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
- Any time a large herd moves through a civilized area there’s a lot of shit to clean up.
- Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
- Control your generosity when you’re dealin’ with a chronic borrower.
- Don’t get mad at somebody who knows more ‘n you do. It ain’t their fault.
- Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
- Don’t let so much reality into your life that there’s no room left for dreamin’.
- Don’t never interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
- Don’t squat with yer spurs on!
- Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
- Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
- Generally speaking, fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
- Go after life as if it’s something that’s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
- If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
- If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
- If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin’ boots.
- If you’re gonna go, go like hell. If your mind’s not made up, don’t use your spurs.
- If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
- If you’re sittin’ at a counter eatin’, leave your hat on. If you’re sittin’ at a table take it off.
- It don’t matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.
- It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
- Makin’ it in life is kinda like bustin’ broncs: you’re gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin’ back on.
- Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
- Never ask a man the size of his spread.
- Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
- Never get up before breakfast. If you have to get up before breakfast, eat breakfast first.
- Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
- Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.
- Never joke with mules of cooks as they have no sense of humor.
- Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
- Never miss a chance to rest your horse.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
- Never take another man’s bet. He wouldn’t offer it if he didn’t know somethin’ you don’t.
- Never take to sawin’ on the branch that’s supportin’ you, unless you’re bein’ hung from it.
- No matter who says what, don’t believe it if it don’t make sense.
- Only a buzzard feeds on his friends
- Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.
- Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much.
- Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
- The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
- The best way to cook any part of a rangy ol’ longhorn is to toss it in a pot with a horseshoe, and when the horseshoe is soft and tender, you can eat the beef.
- The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
- The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
- The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.
- The length of the converstaion don’t tell nothin’ about the size of the intellect.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
- The wildest critters live in the city!
- There’s more ways to skin a cat than stickin’ his head in a boot jack and jerkin’ on his tail.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- Too much debt doubles the weight on your horse and puts another in control of the reins.
- Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
- Wet dogs are never welcome
- When dealin’ with a slick son of a b… start off by pinnin’ him down and changin’ his oil.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be suprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you’re pickin’ a workin’ horse, look for one named Screwtail, Stump Sucker, Pat’s Ass, Pearly Gates, Liver Pill, or Darlin’ Jill. Leave the Champions and Silvers for the show ring.
- When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- When you’re tryin’ something new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.
- Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.
- You don’t need decorated words to make your meanin’ clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin’.
What’s Your “Southern” Sign?
Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own “Southern” astrological signs.
- OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. - CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. - BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. - MOON PIE (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or – maybe not. - POSSUM (Apr 21 – May 21)
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over. - CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. - COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. - CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. - GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. - BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. - BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. - ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
Things You Can’t Say With a Hallmark Card
“Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:
What the fuck was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one
likes your wife.”
“I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone
to love.
After having met you,
I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit,
you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell
until I met you.”
“As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am
that you’re not here
to ruin it for me.”
“If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it’s
your sister.”
“As you grow older, Mum,
I think of all the gifts
you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what
evil was before this!”
“Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go,
would you like
to take this knife out of my back.
You’ll probably need it again.”
“We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits.”
“I’m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket…
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
…so we’re having you put to sleep.”
“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!”
(available only in Arkansas)
Lord, Grant Me the Serenity…
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill because they pissed me off!
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are,
the courage to maintain self-control,
and the wisdom to know if I act on it,
I will go to jail!
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept fucktards I cannot change,
and the restraint not to punch them in the face!
Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people,
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Lord, grant me the sanity to accept the annoying things,
my kids do that I cannot change,
the patience to endure the endless nagging,
that I will have to do to change the things I can,
and just enough wine to know the difference.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept selfish ungrateful people,
for who they are,
and the courage not to become bitter,
and the wisdom not to let it ever happen again.
Lord, give me enough coffee
to change the things that need to change,
and enough spare change
to make that coffee as large as it possibly can be.
Rolling Blackout Theme Song
To the theme music from the TV western “Rawhide”
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’,
Though the state is golden,
Keep them blackouts rollin’, statewide.
A little colder weather,
And we all freeze together,
Wishin’ more plants were on the line.
All the things I’m missin’,
Like lights and television,
Are waiting ’til we can pay the price.
(Chorus)
Turn ’em on, turn ’em off,
Shut ’em down, block ’em out,
Turn ’em on, turn ’em off, statewide!
Brown ’em out, black ’em out,
Charge ’em more, give ’em less,
Let the polls fix the mess, statewide!
Keep movin’, movin’, movin’,
Though they’re disapprovin’,
Keep them rates a-movin’, statewide.
Don’t try to understand ’em,
Just raise, charge, and collect ’em.
Soon we’ll be livin’ high and wide.
My heart’s calculatin’,
Nuclear plants will be waitin’,
Be waitin’ at the end of my ride.
(Chorus)
Turn ’em on, turn ’em off,
Shut ’em down, block ’em out,
Turn ’em on, turn ’em off, statewide!
Brown ’em out, black ’em out,
Charge ’em more, give ’em less,
Let the polls fix the mess, statewide!
STATEWIDE!!! Hyaah!!
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.
Object Oriented Bohemian Rhapsody
Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a LAN-slide
No ESC to reality.
open(2) your files,
Look after your while()s in C;
Its just a cheap toy, but dearer than Symphony(tm)
With it’s wheezy cough, noisy beep
Address clash, little sleep
Anything but Windows(tm),
Nothing beats class lib’ries to me,
To me.
Mama,
Just killed a RAM
Got some static on its pins,
Now I don’t see the dust bin,
Mama,
‘Write’ had just been run,
But now I’ve got to throw it all away
Mama, ooooooh, Didn’t mean to make it fry
If I’ve no stack to overflow tomorrow,
Carry one, carry one,
‘Cause there’s nothing like class lib’ries.
Too late,
My time(2) has come
Send lightning down my line
Stop my make(1) before it’s time
Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.
Mama, ooooooh, (Anything but Windows(tm))
I don’t want to *sigh*
I sometimes wish I’d never known Bourne at all.
I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
Scarramouche, Scarramouche,
Did you run the test script yet?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Blowing up my modem, me.
Gone away now,
Gone away now,
Gone away now, Windows(tm) froze.
Its worse than crap (oh oh oh oh)
It’s just a cheap toy, ev’rybody has three
It’s just a cheap toy from a cheap company
Spare us our lifes from this monstrosity!
Wheezy cough, noisy beep, will you let us sleep?
Drink Miller! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
(let us sleep!)
Drink Miller! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
(let us sleep!)
Drink Miller! Will not let you sleep
(let us sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU GNU!
Oh Mama mia, mama mia,
Mama mia, let us sleep!
Be-el-ze-Gates has a widget put beside my tree,
my tree,
my tree!
So you think you can force me to use XP?
So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
Oh, baby,
Can’t do this to me baby,
Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.
Nothing beats class lib’ries,
Anything in C,
Nothing beats class lib’ries,
Nothing beats class lib’ries to me.
The Online Poem
You just awake… your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus…..still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee……can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker…..and put the mug to your lip.
The feeling is warm…. just what you need
But you know you need more….and its something to read
The paper you say??? no…dont think so.. not it…
Its much more exciting… you cant wait to “click”…
You boot up your ‘puter…….you click that icon…
Can’t keep from grinning…. you’re really turned on!
When the voice says “Welcome”…your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted….all the friends that you’ll meet.
And then you see it…….you wait with a stare….
The mail box lights up!! “you’ve got mail” waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!…. you look with delight!
You hoped you’d have mail…. and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail….. knowing this is the “Best”.
Reading this reading that….as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the “delete” key….others get your first click
You know you must hurry……you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it…. You can’t wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter… who’s name will it be?
And then there it is….. covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound….Oh..you know what that means!!!
“Quick mail check” you promised….you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM…. and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to…. and respond you will
So you stop what your doing.. and go for the thrill!
You “LOL” and “BRB”, give kisses and Hugs…
You type and send words… refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check… turns to hours online!
The New Alphabet for Older People
A’s for arthritis
B’s for bad back
C’s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L’s for libido–what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N’s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P’s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux–one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X–as in X ray–will find
But through the word “terminal” rushes to mind,
I’m proud, as each
Y – year – goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z – zeal— For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.
B’s for bad back
C’s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L’s for libido–what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N’s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P’s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux–one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X–as in X ray–will find
But through the word “terminal” rushes to mind,
I’m proud, as each
Y – year – goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z – zeal— For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.