The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

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Compiled By: Bill Atchley
  • Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
  • Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
  • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
  • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
  • How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
  • How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life
  • I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
  • I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
  • I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
  • I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
  • I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
  • I Wanna Whip Your Cow
  • I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck
  • I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
  • I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
  • I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
  • I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
  • I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
  • I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
  • If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
  • If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
  • If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
  • If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
  • If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
  • Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papa’s Head)
  • My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
  • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
  • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
  • Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
  • Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
  • She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
  • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
  • She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
  • She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
  • Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
  • They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin Out
  • Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
  • When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
  • You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith, Too
  • You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
  • You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
  • You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
  • You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Survivor, Texas Style

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Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor – Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they’ll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, “I’m gay”, “I’m a vegetarian”, “I voted for Al Gore”, “George Strait Sucks”, “Hillary in 2016”, “What’s the Alamo?”, and “I’m here to confiscate your guns!” The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Texans in Heaven

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Gabriel came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They’re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they’re wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing.”

The Lord said, “I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let’s call the Devil.”

The Devil answered the phone, “Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.” The Devil returned to the phone, “Okay, I’m back. What can I do for you?”

The Lord replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there.”

The Devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.” After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m back. Now what was the question?”

The Lord said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?”

The Devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this….Hold on, Lord.” This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, “I’m sorry Lord, I can’t talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.”

Redneck Computing

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You know you’re a good ol’ boy computer operator if…

  • Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.
  • You’re right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.
  • When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin’ it real good with some WD-40.
  • You can’t understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn’t recognize the words “col’beer”, “hon”, and “frog-strangler”.
  • One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, “Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?”
  • You can’t figure out why Microsoft doesn’t have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it’s good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?
  • Instead of “bytes”, you think of it as “horsepower”.
  • You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.
  • You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.
  • Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else’s. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.
  • Congratufreakin’lations – you hold the world record for most number of hits – on the World Wrestling Federation web page.
  • The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.
  • Most of the e-mail you send starts with “I’ll tell you what,” “This ain’t no bull,” or “It’s got to where you cain’t…”
  • Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.
  • You’re pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.
  • You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.
  • Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.
  • The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.
  • You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.

You May Be A Redneck If…

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By Jeff Foxworthy
  • You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre
  • You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley
  • You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop
  • There is a stuffed ‘possum mounted anywhere in your house
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment
  • Less than half the cars you own run
  • The primary color of your car is “Bond-O”
  • You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom
  • Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”
  • You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people
  • The manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it’s time to wash your hair
  • Everybody you meet can tell what kind of underwear you’re wearing
  • You have a rag for a gas cap
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger side window
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
  • You grow corn in your front yard
  • Your father fully executes the “pull my finger” trick during Thanksgiving dinner
  • All your four letter words are two syllables
  • You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts
  • Your front porch has kitchen appliances on it
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
  • The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site
  • Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend’s tattoos
  • You’ve ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy
  • The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne
  • You’ve ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance
  • After removing the empty beer cans from you car you find you get 15 more miles to the gallon
  • It’s impossible to see the food stains on the fabric of your work uniform
  • You need one more hole punched in you card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos
  • You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work
  • The family business requires a lookout
  • You think the “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold
  • The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
  • When you hold a frog, it worries about getting warts
  • You paint your car with housepaint
  • You think a nutcracker is something you do off the high dive
  • You know how to milk a goat
  • Your best pick-up line for women is written on your ever-present baseball cap
  • You refer to you van as “The Love Machine”
  • You have mason jars filled with stuff even the FBI can’t identify
  • You see a sign that says “Just Say No to Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your jeans
  • There are tobacco stains down the side of your truck
  • You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  • Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
  • The Orkin man tells you, “Give up; you’ve lost”
  • You think paprika is a Third world country
  • You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport
  • You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it
  • Today’s dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight

Martha Stewart’s Tips for Rednecks

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  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
    • DINING OUT
  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
    • ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
  • If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
    • PERSONAL HYGIENE
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
    • DATING (Outside the Family)
  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
    • THEATER ETIQUETTE
  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
    • WEDDINGS
  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
    • DRIVING ETIQUETTE
  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

A Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If…

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  • if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
  • if he says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”
  • if that “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs
  • if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
  • if he calls his young apprentice, “Juner(JR)”
  • if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
  • if the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family
  • if he calls Hank Williams Jr. “Master”
  • if his landspeeder has a gun rack
  • if he meditiates to old CCR records
  • if he calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy.
  • if he has ever said, “Anger… fear…aggression… Yankees…the dark side are they.”
  • if his X-Wing has a still in it
  • if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base
  • if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid
  • if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them
  • if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock
  • if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill
  • if he uses Jawas for a drink holder
  • if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
  • if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
  • if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
  • if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth
  • if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.
  • if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored
  • if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
  • if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
  • if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
  • if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
  • if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling
  • if his father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
  • if he’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light
  • if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery
  • if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest
  • if his father’s name is Garth Vader
  • if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids
  • if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister
  • if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
  • if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power
  • if he’s ever used a light saber to skin a deer

If Jesus Were A Redneck…

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  • He’d have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.
  • His last words on the cross would have been, “Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here.”
  • He’d be famous for turning water into beer.
  • The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”
  • His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.
  • Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.
  • He would have cured blindness by yelling, “Yer healed” and slapping them on the forehead.
  • The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.
  • Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.
  • Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.

Redneck Horror Movies

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  • Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
  • Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
  • Ah Seen What Y’all Done Last Summer
  • The Creature From Clint Black’s Spittoon
  • Don’t Tell Me You Love Me if You’re Gnawing Off My Leg
  • Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin’, Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin’ Zombies
  • Jurassic Trailer Park
  • Something Twangy This Way Comes
  • Psychoklahoma
  • The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
  • All My Axes are in My Exes
  • Throw Momma from Shania Twain
  • The Expectorist
  • She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It

Proposed Country Song Titles

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  • Ain’t No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
  • You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
  • Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
  • I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
  • She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn’t Choose Me
  • The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn’t Cling To Me For Long
  • Don’t Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
  • I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
  • Now That We’re Miserable, I Hope You’re Happy