A Cowboy’s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender
- A body can pretend to care, but they can’t pretend to be there.
- A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.
- A man with an edgy smile is like a dog with a waggin’ tail: he’s not happy, he’s nervous.
- A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.
- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
- After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
- Any time a large herd moves through a civilized area there’s a lot of shit to clean up.
- Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
- Control your generosity when you’re dealin’ with a chronic borrower.
- Don’t get mad at somebody who knows more ‘n you do. It ain’t their fault.
- Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
- Don’t let so much reality into your life that there’s no room left for dreamin’.
- Don’t never interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
- Don’t squat with yer spurs on!
- Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
- Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
- Generally speaking, fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
- Go after life as if it’s something that’s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
- If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
- If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
- If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin’ boots.
- If you’re gonna go, go like hell. If your mind’s not made up, don’t use your spurs.
- If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
- If you’re sittin’ at a counter eatin’, leave your hat on. If you’re sittin’ at a table take it off.
- It don’t matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.
- It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
- Makin’ it in life is kinda like bustin’ broncs: you’re gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin’ back on.
- Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
- Never ask a man the size of his spread.
- Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
- Never get up before breakfast. If you have to get up before breakfast, eat breakfast first.
- Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
- Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.
- Never joke with mules of cooks as they have no sense of humor.
- Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
- Never miss a chance to rest your horse.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
- Never take another man’s bet. He wouldn’t offer it if he didn’t know somethin’ you don’t.
- Never take to sawin’ on the branch that’s supportin’ you, unless you’re bein’ hung from it.
- No matter who says what, don’t believe it if it don’t make sense.
- Only a buzzard feeds on his friends
- Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.
- Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much.
- Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
- The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
- The best way to cook any part of a rangy ol’ longhorn is to toss it in a pot with a horseshoe, and when the horseshoe is soft and tender, you can eat the beef.
- The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
- The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
- The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.
- The length of the converstaion don’t tell nothin’ about the size of the intellect.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
- The wildest critters live in the city!
- There’s more ways to skin a cat than stickin’ his head in a boot jack and jerkin’ on his tail.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- Too much debt doubles the weight on your horse and puts another in control of the reins.
- Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
- Wet dogs are never welcome
- When dealin’ with a slick son of a b… start off by pinnin’ him down and changin’ his oil.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be suprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you’re pickin’ a workin’ horse, look for one named Screwtail, Stump Sucker, Pat’s Ass, Pearly Gates, Liver Pill, or Darlin’ Jill. Leave the Champions and Silvers for the show ring.
- When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- When you’re tryin’ something new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.
- Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.
- You don’t need decorated words to make your meanin’ clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin’.