The Code of the West | The Joke Archives

A Cowboy’s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender

A body can pretend to care, but they can’t pretend to be there.
A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.
A man with an edgy smile is like a dog with a waggin’ tail: he’s not happy, he’s nervous.
A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
Any time a large herd moves through a civilized area there’s a lot of shit to clean up.
Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
Control your generosity when you’re dealin’ with a chronic borrower.
Don’t get mad at somebody who knows more ‘n you do. It ain’t their fault.
Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Don’t let so much reality into your life that there’s no room left for dreamin’.
Don’t never interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Don’t squat with yer spurs on!
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
Generally speaking, fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
Go after life as if it’s something that’s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin’ boots.
If you’re gonna go, go like hell. If your mind’s not made up, don’t use your spurs.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
If you’re sittin’ at a counter eatin’, leave your hat on. If you’re sittin’ at a table take it off.
It don’t matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
Makin’ it in life is kinda like bustin’ broncs: you’re gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin’ back on.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
Never get up before breakfast. If you have to get up before breakfast, eat breakfast first.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.
Never joke with mules of cooks as they have no sense of humor.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Never miss a chance to rest your horse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
Never take another man’s bet. He wouldn’t offer it if he didn’t know somethin’ you don’t.
Never take to sawin’ on the branch that’s supportin’ you, unless you’re bein’ hung from it.
No matter who says what, don’t believe it if it don’t make sense.
Only a buzzard feeds on his friends
Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.
Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much.
Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
The best way to cook any part of a rangy ol’ longhorn is to toss it in a pot with a horseshoe, and when the horseshoe is soft and tender, you can eat the beef.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.
The length of the converstaion don’t tell nothin’ about the size of the intellect.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
The wildest critters live in the city!
There’s more ways to skin a cat than stickin’ his head in a boot jack and jerkin’ on his tail.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Too much debt doubles the weight on your horse and puts another in control of the reins.
Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
Wet dogs are never welcome
When dealin’ with a slick son of a b… start off by pinnin’ him down and changin’ his oil.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be suprised if they learn their lesson.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re pickin’ a workin’ horse, look for one named Screwtail, Stump Sucker, Pat’s Ass, Pearly Gates, Liver Pill, or Darlin’ Jill. Leave the Champions and Silvers for the show ring.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
When you’re tryin’ something new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.
Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.
You don’t need decorated words to make your meanin’ clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin’.