- Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking?
- Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
- Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
- Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
- Dear God, When my foster mom’s friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What’s he been rolling around in?
- Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?
- Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
- Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
- Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
- Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
- Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
- Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
- Dear God, I’ve always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don’t. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
- Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me ‘cuz they think I’m jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I’m innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?
Tag Archives: canine
Dog Haiku
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds — I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy — come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man — come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot — no greater bliss — well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.
The cat is not all
Bad –she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.
Dig under the fence–why?
Because it is there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Why Dogs are Better than Girlfriends
- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
- Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
- Dogs think you sing great.
- A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
- Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
- Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
- Dogs love red meat.
- Anyone can get a good looking dog.
- If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
- Dogs don’t shop.
- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
- A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.
- Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
- A dog’s parents never visit.
- Dogs love long car trips.
- Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
- Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.
- Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
- No dog ever bought Kenny G, Yanni, or Barbra Streisand albums.
- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
- Dogs never criticize.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- Dogs never expect gifts.
- Dogs don’t worry about germs.
- Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.
- Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
- Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
- You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.
- Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
- Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
- Dogs aren’t catty.
- Dogs seldom outlive you.
Doggie Dictionary
- Bicycles
Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. - Bump
The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. - Deafness
This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. - Dog Bed
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. - Drool
It is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. - Garbage Can
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. - Lean
Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. - Leash
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. - Love
Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return. - Sofas
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. - Thunder
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. - Wastebasket
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
Mind Games Dogs Play with Humans
- After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime.
- Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
- Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
- Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
- Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
- When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
- Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
- Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
- When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
- Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
Excerpts From A Dog’s Diary
- Day 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! - Day 181
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! - Day 182
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm – OH BOY! A BATH! NOT MY FAVORITE!
The Creation of Dogs
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Dog Commandments
- Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
- Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
- Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.
- Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
- Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
- Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
- Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
- Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
- Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)
- Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
- Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
- Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
- Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
- Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
- Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.
- Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
- Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law’s leg.
Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.
- You believe every dog is a lap dog.
- If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
- You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
- You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
- You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
- You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
- No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
- You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
- You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
- You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
- You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.
- You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
- Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
- When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
- You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
- You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
- Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
A Dog’s Diary
- 5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber — the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal — I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn’t go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don’t know why.
- 7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
- 10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It’s not easy being a dog.
- 1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
- 2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
- 4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.
- 5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
- 6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
- 9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone’s home. Ah, the life of a dog.