Tag Archives: men vs women

ATM Behavior

Posted on by
  • HIM:
    1. Pull up to ATM.
    2. Insert card.
    3. Enter PIN number and account.
    4. Take cash, card and receipt.
  • HER:
    1. Pull up to ATM.
    2. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    3. Shut off engine.
    4. Put keys in purse.
    5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine.
    6. Hunt for card in purse.
    7. Insert card.
    8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
    9. Enter PIN number.
    10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
    11. Hit “cancel”
    12. Re-enter correct PIN number.
    13. Hit “cancel.”
    14. Call husband/boyfriend to get correct PIN number.
    15. Check balance.
    16. Look for envelope.
    17. Look in purse for pen.
    18. Make out deposit slip.
    19. Endorse checks.
    20. Make deposit.
    21. Study instructions.
    22. Make cash withdrawal.
    23. Get in car.
    24. Check makeup.
    25. Look for keys.
    26. Start car.
    27. Check makeup.
    28. Start pulling away.
    29. STOP.
    30. Back up to machine.
    31. Get out of car.
    32. Take card and receipt.
    33. Get back in car.
    34. Put card in wallet.
    35. Put receipt in checkbook.
    36. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook.
    37. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook.
    38. Check makeup.
    39. Put car in gear, reverse.
    40. Put car in drive.
    41. Drive away from machine.
    42. Travel 3 miles.
    43. Release parking brake.

All About Men

Posted on by
  • The nice men are ugly.
  • The handsome men are not nice.
  • The handsome and nice men are gay.
  • The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
  • The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
  • The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
  • The handsome men without money are after our money.
  • The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
  • The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
  • The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank, heaven, are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
  • The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW … WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

What Every Woman Should Know About Men

Posted on by

  • How… “Big”… Should a Man Be?
    Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

  • How…”Long”…Should a Man Last?
    Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-unbreakable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed one of these desirable “sixty second wonders”.

  • How Do I Know If I’m having an Orgasm?
    The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he “leaves a little something on your plate”. When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come”, that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling,” then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

  • What is a Multiple Orgasm?
    There is no such thing!!!

  • What About Oral Sex?
    This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see that a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?).

  • What is Afterplay?
    Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are “GIB”. Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

  • What is Impotence?
    Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

  • How Can I Keep the Mystery Alive?
    One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one”; invite several of your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part – [This is VERY IMPORTANT]. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair.

  • How Can I Meet Real Men?
    When looking for the ideal man, about thirty-five to sixty, married, perhaps on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his powerful masculinity, go to a ‘local’ about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, pop out a nipple, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, “You’re sooooo cute, can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

ABCs of Ex-Wives

Posted on by
  • A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.
  • B is for Balls … which are now ours again.
  • C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
  • D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.
  • E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.
  • F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
  • G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
  • H is for House … which the bitch also got.
  • I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
  • J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.
  • K is for Kids … the best of everything.
  • L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
  • M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother F*cker!!!!!!
  • N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
  • O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.
  • P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”
  • Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
  • R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.
  • S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
  • T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
  • U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
  • V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.
  • W is for Wrong … which you always were.
  • X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!
  • Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.
  • Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

101 Things Not to Say During Sex

Posted on by
  1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  2. You woke me up for that?
  3. Did I mention the video camera?
  4. Do you smell something burning?
  5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
  6. Try breathing through your nose.
  7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

  11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
    Person 2: Yeah.. today

  12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
  13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
  14. Do you accept Visa?
  15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
  17. And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
  21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
  23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  25. Got any penicillin?
  26. But I just brushed my teeth…
  27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
  28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  29. I want a baby!
  30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
  33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  34. I think you have it on backwards.
  35. When is this supposed to feel good?
  36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!
  38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
  41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
  42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
  44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
  47. No, really… I do this part better myself!
  48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
  49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
  50. You’re almost as good as my ex!
  51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  53. You look younger than you feel.
  54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
  55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
  57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…
  58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  60. What tampon?
  61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
  62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
  63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  64. I have a confession…
  65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  69. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
  70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  72. Did you come yet, dear?
  73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
  74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  75. Does this count as a date?
  76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  78. I think biting is romantic – don’t you?

  79. Q: You can cook, too right?
    A: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)

  80. When would you like to meet my parents?

  81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
    Woman: Yourself?

  82. Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
  83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
  84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
  88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!
  89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
  90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
  92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
  93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
  94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  95. Is this a sin too?
  96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
  98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…
  99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
  100. How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
  101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

An 80’s Love Story

Posted on by

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don’t play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he’s sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn’t fight this feeling any longer. I asked him “What’s love got to do with it?” He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number.) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love – hasta la vista, baby. I thought “I can’t go for that – no can do! Bring me a higher love!” I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean – she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna – her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! … no answer. Nobody told me there’d be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend’s girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn’t found what she’s looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said “I thought you were Jessie’s girl.”

She said “Don’t you want me? You don’t have to put on the red light – I’m on my own.” What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She’s a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I’d have the time of my life.

I wasn’t about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper’s delight, I heard a voice say “Who can it be now?”

“Here I am, the one that you love”, I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time.

She loosened her blouse and said “Rock me Amadeus!” Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move.

I told her “I’ll tumble for ya!” as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. “Turn around bright eyes!” said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin’ tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings – broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time’s sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. “You don’t owe me money for nothing!” he snarled. At this point I was livin’ on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife – how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is.

Love stinks.

The 10 Commandments of Love

Posted on by
  1. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
  2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
  3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
  4. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
  5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
  6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.
  7. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
  8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
  9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

9 Types of Girlfriends

Posted on by

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, One of the Boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller – “You spineless good-for-nothing drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius
of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

9 Types of Boyfriends

Posted on by

Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and
watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt

Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders
without a struggle

Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

5 Things Women Will Never Understand

Posted on by

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll never understand…

  1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.

    Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble offshore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like “professional” or “industrial strength,” because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with “operating theater quality air.” I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.

  2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

    We’ve never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males — which is why if you send a man out to get eggs, sugar and bread, you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of beer, a pair of jeans and a tree.

  3. The reason why we don’t like to discuss The Relationship.

    Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like “Are you really happy?” and “Where do you see us going?” A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about… “The Relationship.”

  4. Why we think we can fix things.

    Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we’re only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it’s a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we’re mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

  5. Men and video games.

    Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair — when it’s more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter XXII is making the rounds at the office.