• You’re screen name consists of your first initial and last name with no numbers at the end. (Unless you have an uncommon surname)
• You’re on your 3rd marriage and you’ve met each in an AOL chat room.
• You remember the days before Buddy Lists when you stalked people by opening an IM with their screen name and repeatedly clicking on the “Available?” button to see if they were online or not.
• You named your 3 children “LOL”, “ROFL”, and “HEHEHE”.
• Tom Hanks consulted you for technical advice for the “You’ve got Mail” movie.
• AOL sent you a congratulatory e-mail along with a one month free AOL subscription in honor of your 1,000,000th different screen name.
• You wallpapered your entire house with “TOS” violation notices.
• AOL made up their TOS rules because of things YOU did.
• When you think you’re a “Big Shot” who should be on AOL’s payroll because you spend so much time on it.
• You look forward to and actually read Steve Case’s monthly newsletters.

• Rule: all customers must wear pants while online.
• All email automatically cc’d to your ex-wife.
• Free ant farm (stocked!) with sign-up.
• Extra charge incurred for denying offers for AOL credit card.
• Instant Messages now read out loud to you in your choice of voice: Gilbert Gottfried or Phyllis Diller.
• New feature: all junk email automatically sent to your printer!
• Special rates for bulk mailers!
• Genetic gender verification now required in chat rooms.
• Steve Case will visit your house and personally apologize for busy signals.
• Special bonus! Free dentistry with the premium access plan.

1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! – you’ve got a fly swatter.
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case…the “rich nerd” look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt and form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Air hockey puck.
18. Dog chew toy.
19. Dart board.
20. Pooper scooper.
21. Grill scraper.
22. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
23. Wrist slicer – after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
24. Conversation piece for coffee table.
25. Destroy them – smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
26. Light switch cover.
27. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
28. Clay pigeons for target practice.
29. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
30. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
31. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
32. Firewood.
33. Bird house.
34. Paper weights.
35. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
36. Post it-notes holder.
37. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
38. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
39. Keep ’em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
40. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon – actually works).
41. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
42. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
43. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
44. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car’s hood).
45. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
46. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
47. Hand them out as party favors.
48. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?)
49. Vertical blinds.
50. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
51. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
52. Grind ’em up and refertilize the front lawn.
53. The new “Domino’s stuffed-crust pizza” filling.
54. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
55. Brake shoes.
56. House insulation.
57. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
58. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates’ new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
59. Hockey Puck.
60. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
61. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
62. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk…makes the perfect pet.
63. Poker chips.
64. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
65. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you’ve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
66. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
67. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
68. Grind them up to make fake snow.
69. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
70. Dental floss (use actual disk).
71. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
72. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
73. Use them to fill potholes.
74. Hood ornament.
75. Snow blower replacement blades.
76. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
77. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
78. Rubic’s cube case (make into box).
79. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
80. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
81. Snack trays (great for holding hors d’oeuvres at parties).
82. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who tick you off.
83. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2″ apart and apply honey to disks).
84. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector -thanks Lewis).
85. They make a *dandy* addition to a annoying neighbor’s back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
86. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
87. Wax scraper for snowboards.
88. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater.
89. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
90. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
91. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
92. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
93. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas….)
94. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
95. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center – use about 200).
96. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
97. Baby mobile.
98. Fence (may need a few thousand).
99. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
100. One word: Frisbee!
101. Mouse hole covers.

• You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.
• You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
• Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 56K modems for only $399.99.
• The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
• The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
• The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
• If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you ‘really are important to us.’
• Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, ‘WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.’
• Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
• You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
• You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
• The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

• The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
• The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
• The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
• The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
• AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.
• Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.
• The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.
• The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
• Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
• If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
• The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
• AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
• AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
• Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
• It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
• AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
• Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age/location?
• It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
• AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
• AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
• Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye.”

America Online or AOL. You all know it. Some of you love it. Others hate it. But, you gotta admit, there are plenty of reasons to keep it, no matter what your more experienced internet/online friends say.

• Busy signals? No problem, I’m not alone, there are 10 Million other people also waiting to log on.
• Doesn’t America Online own the Internet?
• It came with my Windows, if I get rid of it, won’t Windows stop working?
• They erase all of my mail every month, just when I’m about done reading it.
• They must be good, I saw an ad on a bus.
• I know they must be good because it takes me an hour to get through to tech support
• If they’re raising the prices, then it must be getting better – Right?
• What else am I supposed to do with all of those free disks and CDs they send me?
• What else is there?
• Where else can I chat with a 52-year-old man named Bubbles, in Germany?