AOL’S New Terms of Service

  • Rule: all customers must wear pants while online.
  • All email automatically cc’d to your ex-wife.
  • Free ant farm (stocked!) with sign-up.
  • Extra charge incurred for denying offers for AOL credit card.
  • Instant Messages now read out loud to you in your choice of voice: Gilbert Gottfried or Phyllis Diller.
  • New feature: all junk email automatically sent to your printer!
  • Special rates for bulk mailers!
  • Genetic gender verification now required in chat rooms.
  • Steve Case will visit your house and personally apologize for busy signals.
  • Special bonus! Free dentistry with the premium access plan.

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