In a brilliant marketing move, America On Line announced today that from this point forward, it would be collecting five cents for each misspelled word from recipients of email from AOL subscribers.
“Here at AOL we’re always looking for ways to leverage our strengths,” a emailed press release from AOL CEO Steve Case said. “We believe this plan will take us to new financial security, as it’s a never ending, self sustaining, and renewable resource. No one misspells like AOL — no wonder it’s Number Wun!” The press release was sent to 500,000 news outlets and the misspelled word “wun” generated $25,000 income to AOL.
The plan calls for any recipient of email from an AOL address to be assessed a nickel for each misspelled word, ICQ, or IM abbreviation. “Since our members pride themselves in their highly creative interpretation of the written word, we’re proud to include them in our strategic plans.” Case suggested there might be an online course, “Creative Spelling” to further enhance revenue projections.
Analysis show the average 50 word message from an AOL user contains 15 to 20 misspelled or incomprehensible words. This would result in a $0.75 to $1.00 charger per email to the recipient of that email. “We’re excited that our subscribers can participate and generate boatloads of cash just by being themselves!”
Spell check software within AOL’s email programs will be modified to count misspelled words and multiply it by the number of recipients. “AOL is aggressively looking into chain letters,” Case reported, “and from our initial studies, chat rooms and ICQ are going to be gold mines!”
Case held up an example email from subscriber IFUKDUKS329. “Mr. Fuk Duks is leading our new direction. Since 1993 he has send over 60,000 email messages at a rate of about 20 a day every day. In not one single instance did he have a correctly spelled word! Not one recipient of those 60,000 emails has been able to understand a single thing he’s said. We’re not even sure he’s speaking in English, to tell you the truth. But, it’s performance like this that will allow AOL to buy just about everything else in the country.”
Case wiped a tear from his eye when he attempted to read Mr. Fuk Duks’ letter. “Absolutely incomprehensible. Thank God for AOL subscribers!”