- Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
- Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
- Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
- When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
- Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
- What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.
- Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
- Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.
- Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
- Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”
- Then — dead mice in the kitchen. Now — dead third world dictators in the basement.
- Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.
- Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
- Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.
- What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
- Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.
Tag Archives: lists
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
by Peggy Althoff
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and…Oooops!
- This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
- Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
- Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and lie down.
Cats in Physics
- Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. - Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. - Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. - Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. - Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. - Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. - Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. - Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. - Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. - Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. - Law of Obedience Resistance:
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something. - First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. - Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. - Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. - Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. - Law of Cat Embarrassment:
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. - Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. - Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. - Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible. - Law of Fluid Displacement:
A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. - Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. - Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. - Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.
You Know You’re a Cat Person When…
- you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litterbox.”
- you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
- you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
- you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
- you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
- you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
- you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.
- you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
- you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
- your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”
- you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
- you refer to your cat as your furry child.
- your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry “grandchild.”
- you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
- you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name!
- you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
- you have a set of towels with “His” “Hers” and “Kitty’s.”
- you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
- you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.
- you and kitty have matching outfits.
- your spouse says, “Me or the cat!,” and there’s no hesitation.
- you never go to the door unless it’s to let a cat out.
- your favorite friends have fleas.
- you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox.
- you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
- you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
- you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
- you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
- you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences
between 9-Lives and Amore…at length.
Signs Your Cat Has a Personality Disorder
- Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
- You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your
running Buick. - Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Al Gore.
- Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
- No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
- Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.
- Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
- Rides in your car with its head out the window.
- She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
- You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
- Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
- Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
- After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
- Sullen and overweight, your sunglasses-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
- Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
- Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
Why Cats are Better Than Men
- A cat always hits the litterbox.
- Better chance of training a cat.
- No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.
- You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.
- If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
- A cat purrs when you serve him dinner.
- You can de-claw a cat… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
- It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
- You don’t have to worry about your cat turn into a pig when you host a party.
- A cat knows you’re the key to his happiness… a man thinks he is.
- If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Reasons to Own a Cat Over a Dog
- Cats rule. Dogs drool.
- Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.
- Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
- In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.
- Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.
- Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.
- Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
- Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.
- No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”
- Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.
- Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
- Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
- Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”
- Garfield. Odie.
- Enough said.
Cat Mind Games
- Stare with the exact same expression whether you’re looking at nothing or an ax murderer.
- Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
- Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
- Play with invisible objects.
- Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneeding any available body parts.
- Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won’t get a bite of.
- Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.
- Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human’ s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
- If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human’s head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.
- Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
- Using the litterbox at your human’s mealtimes can be great fun.
Signs Your Cat is Getting Old
- Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.
- All he wants to do is watch “Catlock.”
- Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.
- Last year: Went a-courtin’ carrying a “pencil full o’ lead.”
This year: Goes a-courtin’ carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole. - Bitches non-stop about the “bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.”
- Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.
- “You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the ’80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin’ claws off…”
- Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.
- Writes “Put me to sleep” in its litter box with pee.
- When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.
- Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.
- Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.
- Occasionally forgets to ignore you.
- Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.
- Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.
- While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.
Cat Definitions
- Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
- Cat:
- a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
- a four footed allergen.
- a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
- a small, furry lap fungus.
- a treat-seeking missile.
- a wildlife control expert.
- one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
- a hair relocation expert.
- an unprogrammable animal.
- Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat’s life.
- Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
- Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
- Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
- Dog: a cat’s device for running practice.
- Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
- Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
- Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
- Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
- Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the
point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two. - Purrade: an organized march of cats.
- Purradise: the garden of Cats.
- Purramour: a cat lover.
- Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
- Purraphernalia: a cat’s personal belongings.
- Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
- Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
- Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
- Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
- Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
- Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
- Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
- Purrson: a male kitten.
- Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
- Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
- Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
- Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
- Yawn: a cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.