Heavenly Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them…. give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said……. ?

You didn’t get one either, huh?

Heights of Email

  • HEIGHTS OF REPETITON: You forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded from him to you.
  • HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.
  • HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS: Two persons fighting through emails.
  • HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS: You recieving no emails for a week.
  • HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS: A person using email tool all the time.
  • HEIGHTS OF FRUSTATION: The email server being down.
  • HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply all.
  • HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending the email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
  • HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS: A person sending an email to himself.

Greetings, Earthling!

Greetings Earthling …

I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far away, visiting your P.C. I have transformed myself into this email. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Oh god that feels good!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

That’s it . … . keep scrolling.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Don’t stop!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Click it baby, click it!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Faster

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Faster

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

more ooohh yeahh

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

harder

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

give it to me , just like I like it

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Faster

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

F A S T E R !

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

That was amazing!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You are the best I’ve had yet. And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling. Do you know how I know that you’re smiling? ‘cos I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I’m really horny

Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts

FROM: laocoon@d…
TO: all
SB: Greeks bearing gifts

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

—–

FROM: hector@s…
TO: laocoon@d…
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the “Midas Touch.”

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

  1. This “Forward this message to everyone you know” crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
  2. Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
  3. It’s signed “from Poseidon.” Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
  4. Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,
Hector

The Forwarders 12 Step Program

  1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!
  2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
  3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
  4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
  5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
  6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail … NEVER –NEVER !!
  7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
  8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
  9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
  10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
  11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
  12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Just Kidding…

The E-Mail Blessing

    Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.

    May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

    May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

    May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a “<” for every “>”.

    May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.

    May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can’t buy at Wal-Mart.

    May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

    May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

    May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

    And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.

Signs Someone Is Using Your Email Account

  • “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
  • One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
  • You are served with a search warrant for all those porn pics that keep arriving in your email box.
  • Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
  • When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
  • Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you’re strictly a goat porno kind of guy.
  • You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
  • Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
  • Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” email from your Mom.
  • Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
  • “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

More Email Abbreviations

  • whrthfckuben?
    Previously long phrase: “Goodness, it’s been a long time since we’ve chatted, hasn’t it?”
  • utypliksht
    Previously long phrase: “Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood’s speed-typing course?”
  • ugoturhdupyrass?
    Previously long phrase: “Are you sure about that?”
  • sowenugtoutofjail?
    Previously long phrase: “So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?”
  • tkurabbrevsandshuvem
    Previously long phrase: “Wouldn’t you rather just type the whole phrase out?”

How to Tell You’re an Email Junkie

  • You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
  • You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  • You laugh at people with 33.6 baud modems.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
  • You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  • You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  • After reading this message, you immediately email it to a friend.
  • After forwarding this to everyone in your address book, you share it on Facebook.

A Test for Dementia

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; “If you don’t use it, you will lose it,” also applies to the brain, so.. Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still “with it”

OK, relax, clear your mind and…. begin.

  1. What do you put in a toaster?
  2. .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, “bread,” go to Question 2.

  3. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?
  4. .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as “Children’s World.” If you said “water,” proceed to question 3.

  5. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house iis made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
  6. .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, “green bricks,” what the devil are you still doing reading these questions????? If you said “glass,” then go on to Question 4.

  7. Forty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? In East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?
  8. .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors,” proceed to question 5

    .

  9. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
  10. .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Answer: One degree! If you said, “360 degrees” or anything other than “one degree,” you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.

    Everyone else proceed to the final question.

  11. Without using a calculator — You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
  12. .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your “friends” and hope they do better then you did!