1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.
• You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
• “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
• “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
• Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
• The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
• A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
• Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
• I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme Putt”, you might wish to reconsider this game.
• Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve reached it.
• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
• The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
• To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”
• Swing easy. Hit hard.
• If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf…it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
• Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
• Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

• In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
• Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
• Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
• Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
• The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
• There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
• Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
• An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
• Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.