Golf Reminders

  1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  2. Form a loose grip.
  3. Keep your head down.
  4. Avoid a quick back swing.
  5. Stay out of the water.
  6. Try not to hit anyone.
  7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
  9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
  10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

Golf Meditations

  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.
  • You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Golf – The Four Letter Word Explained

  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
  • “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
  • “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
  • If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
  • The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
  • A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme Putt”, you might wish to reconsider this game.
  • Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve reached it.
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
  • The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
  • To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
  • In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”
  • Swing easy. Hit hard.
  • If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf…it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
  • Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

God and Moses Were Out Golfing

…They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,”God, everytime you use your driver you always slice it.”

So God said, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he approched the ball, got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, “See God, I told you that would happen. I’ll get it this time but you’ll have to get it next time.” So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, “God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.”

And God repeated, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, “I got the last one.” So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.

About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?”

Moses replied, “No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

Fore Better or Worse

  • In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
  • Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
  • Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
  • Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
  • The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
  • There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
  • Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
  • An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
  • Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Football Fans

A Viking Fan, a Bears Fan, and a Packer Fan were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The Viking Fan finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Minnesota, and they taught us to be clean.”

The Bears Fan finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Illinois, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The Packer Fan zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and they taught us not to pee on our hands.”

Guess What They are Talking About

  • The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
  • He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
  • He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!
  • It’s a game of inches.
  • That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
  • When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
  • He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
  • He found his tight end.
  • End around!
  • He had to stretch to get it in!
  • He gets penetration into their backfield!
  • He blows them off!
  • He bangs it in!
  • He could go all the way!
  • He gets it off just in time!
  • He goes deep!
  • He found a hole and slid through it!
  • He pounds it in!
  • He beats them off at the movement of the ball
  • He’s got great hands!








Football — Now aren’t you embarrassed!

Figure Skating

It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!”

To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve got to remember, it’s darn slippery out there.

Dumb Sports Quotes

  • Pat Glenn – Weightlifting Commentator, “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.”
  • Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
  • Murray Walker, “The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.”
  • Greg Norman, “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
  • Alan Minter, “Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.”
  • Terry Venables, “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again”
  • Ron Atkinson, “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.”
  • Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977, “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
  • Metro Radio, “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
  • David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: “There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.”
  • US TV Commentator, “One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?”

If the Olympics Were Held at Disneyland…

  • Medals placed around winners’ necks by chirping birds.
  • Goofy buys the farm in bizarre archery “accident.”
  • Regulation requiring all rowing event competitors to keep their hands and arms inside the boat at all times results in considerably lower scores.
  • Sprinters legs spin wildly in place before they take off.
  • Hammer Throw replaced with Dwarf Toss.
  • Animatronic John Tesh much livelier than the real one.
  • Donald Duck defects to Busch Gardens.
  • Tinkerbell’s “fairy dust” added to list of banned substances.
  • Animatronic Abe Lincoln wins the Decathalon!
  • $4 Cokes cost only $3.75.
  • New Slogan: “The Sweatiest Place On Earth!”
  • Minnie Mouse and Kerri Strug never seen together… hmmmm.
  • Barbells marked “10,000 Pounds” absurdly easy to lift.
  • A petulant Pluto demands chance to race for record 10th dog biscuit.
  • The Little Mermaid takes home a record 49 gold medals in swimming events.
  • “Gymnastic gold or no gymnastic gold, you’re too short for the rides!”
  • Synchronized swimmers don’t just look goofy — they *ARE* Goofy!