Holiday Shopping Rules

  • Rule No. 1
    When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don’t signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
  • Rule No. 2
    Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
  • Rule No. 3
    In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
  • Rule No. 4
    As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
  • Rule No. 5
    Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
  • Rule No. 6
    When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
  • Rule No. 7
    When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
  • Rule No. 8
    When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
  • Rule No. 9
    When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
  • Rule No. 10
    If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
  • Rule No. 11
    If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like “Mr. Good Guy,” and park somewhere else.
  • Rule No. 12
    If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
  • Rule No. 13
    When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow “ENTER ONLY” driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
  • Rule No. 14
    When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
  • Rule No. 15
    Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
  • Rule No. 16
    Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you’re at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy’s or McDonald’s bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
  • Rule No. 17
    If you are forced to change an infant’s diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
  • Rule No. 18
    When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
  • Rule No. 19
    When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
  • Rule No. 20
    When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
  • Rule No. 21
    When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
  • Rule No. 22
    When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car’s alarm makes a sudden loud “BLOOP BLEEP” that scares the crap out of them.
  • Rule No. 23
    If you don’t see a speed limit sign posted in the mall’s parking lot, there isn’t any!
  • Rule No. 24
    If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn’t with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, “There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I’m writing my name, address, and phone number.”

Happy Fourth of July

One year, Johnny’s family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was to be the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring the neighbor along to the picnic.

“Sure, the more the merrier!” replied Johnny’s dad.

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin’s neighbor, it was discovered that he was a police officer. The father turned as innocently as he could to Johnny, and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day.

The visitors had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them that the gas grill was all set to use out back and to “just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.”

The company headed out to the backyard, as Johnny came back in through the front door. The father hurried to Johnny and said “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

Reasons Hanukkah is Better than Christmas

  • There’s no “Kathy Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special.”
  • Eight days of presents (well… in theory, anyway).
  • More elephants in the Hanukkah story.
  • No need to clean the chimney.
  • There’s no latke-nog.
  • No roof damage from reindeer.
  • Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe.
  • Burl Ives doesn’t sing Hanukkah songs.
  • Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones.
  • You won’t be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
  • Betting Hanukkah gelt (money) on candle races.
  • You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
  • Yes, Rivka’le, there is no Santa Claus.
  • No barking dog version of “I had a Little Dreidel.”
  • Naked spin-the-dreidel games.
  • No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
  • Fun waxy buildup.
  • No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
  • Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
  • Cheer optional.
  • No Irving Berlin songs.
  • You can’t be nailed to the menorah.

Hanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On

  • Oy to the World
  • Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
  • Hava Nagilah – The Megamix
  • Bubbe Got Run Over by a Reindeer
  • Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already…Jeez!
  • Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
  • I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
  • Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
  • Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzoh
  • Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

Halloween Things that Sound Dirty… But Aren’t!

  • She’s a goblin!
  • I’d like to get a little something in the sack.
  • Let me see your bag….OH!-You’re having a great night!
  • Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
  • She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
  • If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
  • Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
  • Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
  • You scared me stiff!
  • He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor.

A Guide For Giving the Ideal Gift

  • For a Man: Something that can be assembled, fixed, eaten, or played with.
  • For a Child: Something that can be broken, eaten, or played with.
  • For a Woman: Something that can be related to.
  • For a Teacher: Something with class.
  • For a Dog: Something that can be eaten, chewed, or chased.
  • For a Dentist: Something that can be filled, drilled, or pulled.
  • For a Postal Worker: Something that can be licked, or stamped.

‘Twas the Grumpy Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list
Miserable little brats
ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa”
what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money
The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donna is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes
if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days
they all are the pits
They want the impossible
Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…
Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s
No request for them
They want computers and robots…
they think I’m IBM!
If you think that’s bad…
just picture this
Try holding those brats…
with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose
they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile…
the parents think I’m weird
Flying through the air…
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…
there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…
now you know the reason
I found me a blonde…
I’m going South for the season!!

The Grinch Test

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year’s resolutions:

  1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
  2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
  3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
  4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
  5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
  6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
  7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
  8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
  9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
  10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.

  • 20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
  • 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
  • 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Guide to Giving Gifts to Women

  • Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. A few examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling throughout the evening. In other words, if you must buy her something that plugs in, make sure it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have.
  • Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., “Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you’ve been wanting!” … “This Windex should last you a while” … “I got a good deal on the industrial-strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run (or die a painful death). One more thing: A Chia Pet is NOT a romantic gift.
  • Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
  • Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter-inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift…unless, of course, she’s into tools — in which case, buy the damn drill SHE wants, not the drill YOU want.
  • Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon-character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
  • No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a ten-dollar whore or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
  • Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We do test them, you know.)
  • Do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you’re a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “Where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
  • Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “Do these pants make me look fat?” A better alternative would be to hire a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
  • Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or “funny” novelty books like “How Not to Be a Bitch Sunday Through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, but reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it — and just may stand up in court of law as grounds for justifiable homicide.

Best Uses for Fruitcake

  • Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
  • Give them to your child for a science project.
  • Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that’s making its rounds every year!!
  • Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
  • Mash them down and use for mortar when buiilding a log cabin
  • Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
  • Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.
  • Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
  • Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
  • Last and probably least – try eating it! One way to get rid of it!