Rule No. 1
When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don’t signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule No. 2
Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3
In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule No. 4
As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule No. 5
Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 6
When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule No. 7
When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 8
When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule No. 9
When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 10
If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule No. 11
If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like “Mr. Good Guy,” and park somewhere else.
Rule No. 12
If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 13
When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow “ENTER ONLY” driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule No. 14
When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule No. 15
Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule No. 16
Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you’re at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy’s or McDonald’s bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule No. 17
If you are forced to change an infant’s diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule No. 18
When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule No. 19
When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule No. 20
When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule No. 21
When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
Rule No. 22
When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car’s alarm makes a sudden loud “BLOOP BLEEP” that scares the crap out of them.
Rule No. 23
If you don’t see a speed limit sign posted in the mall’s parking lot, there isn’t any!
Rule No. 24
If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn’t with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, “There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I’m writing my name, address, and phone number.”