Category Archives: Regional

Signs You’ve Been in Edinburgh Too Long

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  • You say ‘how?’ instead of ‘why?’. But not in public.
  • The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but you only eat it to be ‘ethnic’. Normally it is caviar or nothing.
  • You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you’ve never met any as you are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals one of your eleven mobile phones.
  • You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish cities.
  • You speak with a Morningside accent when sober… and then like a Leith dockworker when drunk.
  • You have whiskey for breakfast.
  • You are strangely proud and protective of Irn-Bru.
  • You haven’t noticed how sickly and horrible Irn-Bru is.
  • You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.
  • You think paying £10 for a 3 minute cab ride is perfectly acceptable.
  • You will sulk at the champagne being warm at Hogmanay.
  • You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can’t possibly go to bed before 11.30 am the next day.
  • You will sulk if you don’t manage to spend £1000 on your Jenners account card in your lunch hour.

Facts About Americans

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  • only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
  • 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
  • Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
  • 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
  • 85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear
  • 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs)
  • the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B
  • 85% of women wear the wrong bra size
  • 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations
  • 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework
  • 91% of us lie regularly
  • 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
  • 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store
  • 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods
  • 90% believe in divine retribution
  • 10% believe in the 10 Commandments
  • 82% believe in an afterlife
  • 45% believe in ghosts
  • 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
  • 29% of us are virgins when we marry
  • 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t
  • 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
  • Over 50% believe in spanking—but only a child over 2 years old
  • 35% give to charity at least once a month

  • How far would you go for $10 million?
    25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
    7% would murder

  • 69% eat the cake before the frosting
  • When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
  • 85% of us will eat Spam this year
  • 70% of us drink orange juice daily
  • Snickers is the most popular candy
  • 22% of us skip lunch daily
  • 9% of us skip breakfast daily
  • 66% of us eat cereal regularly
  • 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries!
  • 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
  • only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
  • 45% use mouthwash every day
  • 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
  • the typical shower is 101 degrees F
  • Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
  • 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
  • 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
  • 58% of women paint their nails regularly
  • 62% of us pop our zits
  • 33% of women lie about their weight
  • 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
  • 49% believe in ESP
  • 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
  • the average girl starts her period at age 12
  • 44% have broken a bone
  • only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
  • 14% have attended a self-help meeting
  • 15% regularly go to a shrink
  • 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
  • 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
  • 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
  • 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
  • 23.5% admit they don’t always flush
  • 45.2% pee in the shower
  • 44.9% pee in the ocean
  • 28.1% pee in the pool
  • 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re using the toilet
  • 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
  • 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
  • 29% of us ignore RSVP
  • 1.6% of us eavesdrop
  • 22% are functionally illiterate
  • less than 10% are trilingual
  • 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
  • 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
  • 56% of women do the bills in a marriage
  • 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks
  • 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
  • 40% of us have had music lessons
  • 44% reuse tinfoil
  • 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
  • 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch
  • 53% read their horoscopes regularly
  • 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men)
  • 59% of us say we’re average-looking
  • 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake up
  • 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
  • 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
  • 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity
  • on average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
  • 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
  • 2 out of 5 have married their first love
  • the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
  • only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand
  • 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
  • 6% propose over the phone
  • 71% can drive a stick-shift car
  • 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
  • 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
  • 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts
  • 12% of men never use their car blinkers
  • 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them
  • 25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking
  • 4 out of 5 sing in the car

Facts About Texas

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  • Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  • Roadrunners don’t say “Beep Beep.”
  • There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Texas.
  • There are 10,000 types of spiders, and 10,001 live in Texas.
  • Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
  • Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
  • If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
  • Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
  • There are valid reasons for some people to put concertina wire around their house.
  • You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
  • A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
  • Texas has 5 seasons: Spring – Feb 16 to April 15 Summer – April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Super Summer – July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees) Summer – Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Fall – Oct 2 to Dec. 1 Winter – Dec. 2 to Feb 15
  • The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
  • “Onced” and “Twiced” are words.
  • It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
  • Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
  • Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
  • “Coldbeer” is one word.
  • People actually grow and eat okra.
  • Texans really don’t have an accent.
  • When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
  • Green grass DOES burn.
  • When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
  • The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
  • When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it’s time to go to the doctor.
  • “Fixinto” is one word.
  • A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds drinkin’ water for your cows.
  • “Backards” and “Forards” means I know everything about you.
  • You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
  • You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
  • Texans will laugh harder at this than anyone else because we all KNOW these facts are true!!!

You Might Be A Farmer If…

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  • Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
  • You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
  • You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
  • You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
  • You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
  • You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
  • You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
  • You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
  • You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
  • You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
  • You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

Florida Diary

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  • April 30th:
    Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

  • May 14th:
    Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

  • June 5th:
    Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

  • July 1st:
    The temperature hasn’t been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take awhile, I guess.I sure miss my LP collection, though. I’ll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

  • July 15th:
    Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

  • July 20th:
    I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he’d swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

  • July 25th:
    Ocean breezes, my butt. Hot is hell!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

  • July 30th:
    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52’s. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

  • Aug 4th:
    100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

  • Aug 8th:
    If another jerk say’s to me, “Is it Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his head off.Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

  • Aug 10th:
    The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot two fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And who came up with the statement “it may be hot, but at least you don’t have to shovel it” should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn’t it ever rain in this God forsaken place??

  • Aug 14th:
    Welcome to Hell !!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

  • Aug 30th:
    Worst day of the summer. I’m not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn’t aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield.

That does it, we’re moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!

Reasons for Being French

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  • When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
  • Yet to experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
  • You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs.
  • If there’s a war, you can surrender really early.
  • You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on PBS.
  • You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
  • You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
  • You allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
  • You pay a fortune for a meal that is artfully placed on a plate but won’t satisfy the hunger of a child.
  • Stale baguettes can be used for building materials or weapons.
  • You have a good excuse for drinking wine at every meal – even breakfast.
  • You don’t have to bother with toilets, just do it in the street.
  • People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.

You Know You’re from Idaho When…

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  • The wind is faster than your truck.
  • Every other vehicle is a 4×4.
  • When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.
  • In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
  • You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it’s still there.
  • You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
  • You hear the words “stream” or “brook” pronounced “crick.”
  • The elevation exceeds the population.
  • You’ve broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.
  • You can see the stars at night.
  • People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.
  • Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.
  • You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.
  • The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
  • Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals.
  • A girls’ basketball game fills the gym.
  • You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.
  • A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.
  • You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough.
  • Yellow light means “follow the car in front of you no matter what.”
  • Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list.
  • You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck.
  • You talk about a combine and people don’t wonder what you are putting together.
  • In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor.
  • When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk.
  • Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle’s “jocky box.”
  • You can choose plastic bags or paper sacks for your groceries.
  • You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass you on the road.
  • You know why people pay money to watch “pig wrestling.”
  • You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Idaho friends.

Signs You’ve Been in Glasgow Too Long

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  • You say ‘pish’ all the time.
  • You say ‘aye’ all the time.
  • You end sentences with ‘like’ i.e. ‘I’m no goin’ there, like, it’s pish’
  • You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it ‘tastes of pish, like’
  • You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
  • You punch everybody you meet.
  • You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
  • You are incomprehensible.
  • People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
  • You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words ‘Edinburgh’ or ‘England’.

  • You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

The Hardware Store

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A Polish man wants lunch, so he goes down to a place he knows of down the street, walks up to the counter, and says, “I want a
burger, some fries, and a chocolate shake.”

The man behind the counter says, “You must be Polish.”

The guys says, “Oh, I can’t believe it! Everyone always knows,” and he storms out of the place. He vows that he is going to learn to disguise his Polishness if it’s the last thing he ever does.

He goes to school to lose his accent. He goes to a fashion designer to have a whole new wardrobe designed for him. Then he goes to a finishing school to learn all the proper manners and how to behave in all circumstances.

A couple of months later the Polish man goes back to the same place and goes up to the same man at the counter.

“I would like to start first with some vichyssoise,” he says, “then I’ll have some steak tartare, and then I think I’ll finish off with some fresh raspberries.”

The man behind the counter says, “You must be Polish.”

The guy freaks out. “I just spent thousands of dollars on a wardrobe and finishing school! How is it that you always know I’m Polish?”

“Because,” the man behind the counter says, “this is a hardware store.”