AOL and Cybersex

  • AOL: America Online, this is Tammy speaking.
  • Caller: Hi, I have some questions about America Online before I join.
  • AOL: Okay, ma’am, what’s your question?
  • Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called “cybersex”… does this cost extra?
  • AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma’am… I don’t know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
  • Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
  • AOL: Well it’s something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
  • Caller: Hmmmm…I don’t understand, what is cybersex??
  • AOL: I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to explain it.
  • Caller: Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
  • AOL: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
  • Caller: Sorry, like I said I don’t even know what it is.
  • AOL: That’s okay ma’am, anything else?
  • Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
  • AOL: Go ahead…
  • Caller: What are you wearing?
  • AOL: <click>

My Computer Crash

My computer crashed and died today
And I thought, “oh well what the hey”
Now I’d have time to clean my house
And see if I still had a spouse
It started out with weird frustrations
Combined with mild heart palpitations
And then my ankles began to swell
Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL
Chills ran up and down my spine
Oh, God I had to get on-line
To greet my buds and check my mail
I began to feel helpless and frail
Then I remembered the Good Guy’s Store
And all those computers by the door
I’d go there and when alone
With no one looking I’d sign-on
I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound
Then I typed my password, and the computer said, “Goodbye”
And that’s what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix
I …slowly… typed… my… password…
then…I…stood….and…waited
The darned thing said , “Goodbye” again and I got real frustrated
That’s when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen
And the last thing I remember is my loud shreiking scream
When I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think
I asked the data entry cop, if he’d get me a drink
Now I’m sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well.
If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner

  1. When you turn on your television, you’ll hear “You’ve got Pay Per View”.
  2. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.
  3. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.
  4. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
  5. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can’t cancel, no matter how hard you try.
  6. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
  7. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
  8. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz…. again.
  9. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don’t have a “real” cable company like they do.
  10. “You’ve been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated.”

Before AOL

  • Before AOL group sex meant the risk of STD’s. Now you run the risk of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
  • Before AOL family reunions were needed just to touch base, and the main topic was how Cousin Jed was in jail. Now IM’s are used to touch base and they start flying as cousin Jed is TOS’d for soliciting passwords.
  • Before AOL teens would be embarrassed to go to the local news-stand and pick up a copy of playboy. Now you have to hide the credit cards to keep them from buying “Live Nudies” on the Internet.
  • Before AOL you sat down and explained to your teen about using condoms. Now you find yourself out buying a spill-proof keyboard.
  • Before AOL your mother ordered pizza from a paper menu. Now she orders from a “virtual” pizza shop, and gets pissed when the delivery never comes.
  • Before AOL your husband sent flowers for your B-day, Valentines, etc. Now He shows his affection by sending you roses from a virtual florist, and justifies it by stating, “They will never die.”
  • Before AOL you had sex in bed with your spouse. Now you expect your significant other to sign on with Big44D4U or HungLo10 respectively.
  • Before AOL you dined out. Now you scrape last nights meal from your keyboard.
  • Before AOL, You would get upset that your wife went shopping. Now she can shop till she drops just so long as you hide the credit card.
  • Before AOL the ugliest person you had ever met made a pass at you and you shot them down grimacing. Now you have no clue as to who that person really is that you cybered last night.
  • Before AOL people used terrible pick up lines at the bar. Now they bombard you with IM’s asking you to get nekkid.
  • Before AOL teachers could go to the library, look inside an Encyclopaedia and tell if you had plagiarized the hell out of it. Now they can surf the web for years and still have no clue.
  • Before AOL people would prejudge you by your physical appearance and /or abilities. Now they listen to what you have to say before they make a decision.

Application to Leave AOL

This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain’t gonna happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

  • Question 1: In no less than 5,000 words explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL.
  • Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the spare time you are gonna have?
  • Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you?????

Part B

Personal Information:

Full Given Name:________________________________
Address_______________________________________
______________________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Bra size___________________ Jock size_____________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a damn “we miss you” emergency: (please list the above info in alphabetical order…indicating where you are most likely to be at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion


This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. (make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!! HeHeHeHe)

Application Approved: NO_______
Application Denied: YES______

Virus Warning

It has been brought to my attention that there’s an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I’m running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it’s a mutating virus which isn’t set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2015.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I’m required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

  • Click your start button.
  • Click on “Find”.
  • Click on Files / Folders.
  • Change the “look in” input box to “My Computer”.
  • The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR “UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT” MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR
END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU’RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

Signs You’re at an AOL Theme Park

  • “Twice as many rides — all 40% slower!!”
  • The neighboring “Microsoft Theme Park” keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.
  • The really good rides you keep hearing about aren’t accessible at all.
  • Your ticket is good for “500 free hours!” but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.
  • The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, “We’re sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later.”
  • Ride attendants keep insisting they’re busty young vixens despite the fact that they’re all over 40, dirty, and male.
  • None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.
  • A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it’s still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.
  • Even though you’ve paid your monthly entrance fee, you can’t get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.
  • Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.
  • The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.
  • You’re visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.
  • “We’re sorry, but the ‘Mr. Case’s Obscenely Long Ride Line’ ride is unavailable. Please try again soon.”
  • IT’S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!

You’ve Been an AOL Subscriber Too Long When…

  • You’re screen name consists of your first initial and last name with no numbers at the end. (Unless you have an uncommon surname)
  • You’re on your 3rd marriage and you’ve met each in an AOL chat room.
  • You remember the days before Buddy Lists when you stalked people by opening an IM with their screen name and repeatedly clicking on the “Available?” button to see if they were online or not.
  • You named your 3 children “LOL”, “ROFL”, and “HEHEHE”.
  • Tom Hanks consulted you for technical advice for the “You’ve got Mail” movie.
  • AOL sent you a congratulatory e-mail along with a one month free AOL subscription in honor of your 1,000,000th different screen name.
  • You wallpapered your entire house with “TOS” violation notices.
  • AOL made up their TOS rules because of things YOU did.
  • When you think you’re a “Big Shot” who should be on AOL’s payroll because you spend so much time on it.
  • You look forward to and actually read Steve Case’s monthly newsletters.

AOL’S New Terms of Service

  • Rule: all customers must wear pants while online.
  • All email automatically cc’d to your ex-wife.
  • Free ant farm (stocked!) with sign-up.
  • Extra charge incurred for denying offers for AOL credit card.
  • Instant Messages now read out loud to you in your choice of voice: Gilbert Gottfried or Phyllis Diller.
  • New feature: all junk email automatically sent to your printer!
  • Special rates for bulk mailers!
  • Genetic gender verification now required in chat rooms.
  • Steve Case will visit your house and personally apologize for busy signals.
  • Special bonus! Free dentistry with the premium access plan.

AOL Revenue Plan — 5 Cent Misspellings

In a brilliant marketing move, America On Line announced today that from this point forward, it would be collecting five cents for each misspelled word from recipients of email from AOL subscribers.

“Here at AOL we’re always looking for ways to leverage our strengths,” a emailed press release from AOL CEO Steve Case said. “We believe this plan will take us to new financial security, as it’s a never ending, self sustaining, and renewable resource. No one misspells like AOL — no wonder it’s Number Wun!” The press release was sent to 500,000 news outlets and the misspelled word “wun” generated $25,000 income to AOL.

The plan calls for any recipient of email from an AOL address to be assessed a nickel for each misspelled word, ICQ, or IM abbreviation. “Since our members pride themselves in their highly creative interpretation of the written word, we’re proud to include them in our strategic plans.” Case suggested there might be an online course, “Creative Spelling” to further enhance revenue projections.

Analysis show the average 50 word message from an AOL user contains 15 to 20 misspelled or incomprehensible words. This would result in a $0.75 to $1.00 charger per email to the recipient of that email. “We’re excited that our subscribers can participate and generate boatloads of cash just by being themselves!”

Spell check software within AOL’s email programs will be modified to count misspelled words and multiply it by the number of recipients. “AOL is aggressively looking into chain letters,” Case reported, “and from our initial studies, chat rooms and ICQ are going to be gold mines!”

Case held up an example email from subscriber IFUKDUKS329. “Mr. Fuk Duks is leading our new direction. Since 1993 he has send over 60,000 email messages at a rate of about 20 a day every day. In not one single instance did he have a correctly spelled word! Not one recipient of those 60,000 emails has been able to understand a single thing he’s said. We’re not even sure he’s speaking in English, to tell you the truth. But, it’s performance like this that will allow AOL to buy just about everything else in the country.”

Case wiped a tear from his eye when he attempted to read Mr. Fuk Duks’ letter. “Absolutely incomprehensible. Thank God for AOL subscribers!”