Government Viruses

  • Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
  • Dan Quayle Virus #1: They’re is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can’t figyour out watt.
  • Dan Quayle Virus #2: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
  • Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism.”
  • Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
  • Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  • Congressional Virus #1: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
  • Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
  • Ollie North Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
  • Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
  • Obama Virus: Turns you unto a glassy-eyed fool, unable to challenge even the most nonsensical statements. You thank him profusely for rampant government spending and taking his huge extended family on numerous vacations.

Virus Warning

It has been brought to my attention that there’s an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I’m running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it’s a mutating virus which isn’t set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2015.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I’m required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

  • Click your start button.
  • Click on “Find”.
  • Click on Files / Folders.
  • Change the “look in” input box to “My Computer”.
  • The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR “UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT” MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR
END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU’RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!