WE, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When YOU promise to stop sending us YOUR old people, we will release YOUR election.
Category Archives: Politics
Holiday Changes
Have you heard? Early indications are there will be two less holidays in Washington, D.C. next year. Neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving will be observed as the witch is moving to New York and taking the turkey with her.
Dear Mr. Hinkley
Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth’s Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
Campaign Slogans for Hillary Clinton
- “Read My Lips – No New Interns”
- “Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill’s Crap For So Long”
- “Isn’t It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?”
- “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign”
- “Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife”
- “You Give Me A Vote, I’ll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job”
- “Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!”
- “From Perjury To Albany”
- “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It”
- “Oh Lord, Please Don’t Make Me Go Back To Arkansas”
GWB Appoints Hannibal Lecter Surgeon General
In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.
“I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti,” Bush announced.
In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She’s expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.
Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore’s sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, “enjoyed having Gore for dinner,” but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subect* of Gore kept “coming up.” “I’m sick to my stomach over this,” Lecter said.
President Bush didn’t seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. “I think it’s all crap by now, don’t you?”
Gore’s Unreleased Concession Speech
I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore’s first draft of his concession speech. I’m told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
“What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.
“Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I’m not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of ’em of those wackos voted against me. They best be watching their back because I’m *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
“Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I’m the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
“Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you’ve got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.
“To the 50% of Americans who didn’t even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you’re getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in “Goofy” you would have been better off.
“And to my home state of Tennessee. The “Volunteer State.” Well, I got your “volunteer” hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.
“All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I’d fight for you so it’s for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I’ll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I’ll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice President.
“What a pisser.”
Goreisms
There were Bushisms and Quayleisms, and now there are Goreisms…..
- “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
- “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
- “Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
- “Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.”
- “Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
- “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
- “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
- “I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”
- “One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.'”
- “Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
- “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
- “The future will be better tomorrow.”
- “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
- “People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
- “I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
- “We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”
- “Public speaking is very easy.”
- “I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat.”
- “A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
- “When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
- “Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
- “We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
- “For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
- “Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
- “The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make.”
- “We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
- “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
- “[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
How to be a Good Republican
- You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday’s gas prices is all Clinton’s fault.
- You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
- You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.
- You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.
- You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.
- You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.
- You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
- You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
- You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
- You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.
- You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
- You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
- You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don’t have condoms, they won’t have sex.
- You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
- You have to believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn’t exist.
- You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn’t need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
- You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex
and violence, is good reading. - You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
- You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don’t need any.
- You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
- You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.
Good Luck, George!
What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?
- 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
- 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
- 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
- 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
- 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
- 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
- 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
- 1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely survived assassination attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer’s)
Now….want a re-count, George???
Good Democrats…
- Avoid the truth at all costs.
- Success should be punished and failure rewarded.
- It is okay to file false affidavits with a federal court if you don’t want to be held accountable for your actions.
- There is no place in society for honesty.
- Only the government knows what is good for you and what you deserve out of life.
- You are to stupid to make your own decisions.
- Vote buying with give away programs is good politics.
- If you tell an untruth often enough and loud enough it will become the truth.
- People don’t kill people, guns do.
- Don’t confuse me with facts, I am happy living in my make believe world.
- Only we should vote.
- What the majority wants is irrelevant.
- The constitution is just a piece of paper.
- The government is my shepherd I shall not want.
- Judges were appointed to write laws.
- If you can read this, you are probably a Republican.