Holiday Changes

Have you heard? Early indications are there will be two less holidays in Washington, D.C. next year. Neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving will be observed as the witch is moving to New York and taking the turkey with her.

Campaign Slogans for Hillary Clinton

  • “Read My Lips – No New Interns”
  • “Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill’s Crap For So Long”
  • “Isn’t It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?”
  • “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign”
  • “Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife”
  • “You Give Me A Vote, I’ll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job”
  • “Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!”
  • “From Perjury To Albany”
  • “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It”
  • “Oh Lord, Please Don’t Make Me Go Back To Arkansas”

Mortgage Phone Call

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I’m Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I recall. That’s 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down–that’s $440,000–leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let’s have a look at your financial statements.

Let’s see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and you salary is–oh, dear–$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you’ll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you’re running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year–assuming, of course, she’s elected so even with your pension you’re still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where the schools aren’t so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven’t worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back. Don’t get upset. It was just a little joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could still get your money back.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine. Let’s look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we’re not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But–oh!-those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you’re $4 million in the hole.

How do you expect to pay that off? You’re hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you’re relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there’s a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you’re not lying on you loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about?

You say you’re in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear, indictment- wise. What does that mean? You don’t think–don’t think–she’s going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we’re not totally sure, right? That means there’s a remote possibility –note that I say “remote”–that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let’s review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you’re hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as “checkered”, plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You’ve got your mortgage!

A Clinton Anniversary Discovery

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”