How to Sing the Blues

  • Most blues begin with “Woke up this morning.”
  • “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as “I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town.”
  • Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. “Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs ’bout 500 pounds.”
  • The blues are not about limitless choices.
  • Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
  • Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  • You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
  • The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    • violet
    • beige
    • mauve
    • taupe
    • peach
  • You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
  • Good places for the Blues:
    • the highway
    • the jail house
    • an empty bed
  • Bad places for the Blues:
    • K mart
    • Gallery openings
    • weekends in the Hamptons
  • No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
  • Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    • Yes, if:

    • your first name is a southern state–like Georgia
    • you’re blind
    • you shot a man in Memphis
    • you can’t be satisfied.
      No, if:

    • you were once blind but now can see
    • you’re deaf
    • you have a trust fund

  • Julio Iglesias, Barbara Streisand, and Michael Bolton can never sing the blues. Ever. Ever.
  • If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    • malt liquor
    • Irish whiskey
    • muddy water
    • one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
  • Blues beverages are NOT:
    • Any mixed drink
    • Any kosher Passover wine
    • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
  • If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a lightning strike while on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network.
  • Some Blues names for Women:
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie
    • Ida Red
  • Some Blues Names for Men:
    • Joe
    • Willie
    • Junior
    • Lightning
  • Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  • Other Blues Names: (A Mix and Match Starter Kit)
    • Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic)
    • First name (see #18 above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
    • Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Now you’re ready to sing the blues!

Unpublished Beatle Songs

  • Got to Get You Off of My Wife
  • She Came In Through John’s Fragile Ego
  • She’s a Woman (Who Was a Man)
  • Can’t Buy Me Love (But Can Rent It by the Hour for 300 Big Ones)
  • Polythene Pam Anderson
  • Crackbird
  • Lucy In The Sky With Linus
  • Eleanor Furby
  • All You Need is Drugs
  • Nor-Region Woody
  • She Came in Through the Whitehouse Window
  • While My Guitar Gently Fetches £150,000 At Auction
  • I Wanna Hold You, Hans
  • Lay Me, Madonna

Signs You Did Not Win an MTV Video Award

  • Some bastard keeps tuning your guitar.
  • “Best non-rhyming victim in a drive-by shooting” *still* not a category.
  • You’re Livin’ La Vida No-Talenta.
  • Because Kurt Loder cannot be bought, Mister Nose Candy!
  • VH-1 just completed your “Where are they now?” segment.
  • Budget cuts forced you to use a white, middle-aged heterosexual male choreographer.
  • Special effects? You hired an alcoholic cinematographer with the shakes, for that “Blair Witch” look.
  • Your hit rap song disses women executives in the music industry; Strike One. Your proposed solution: “Slap dem ‘ho’s around a bit”; Strikes two and three
  • Your double-major studies at Julliard severely cut into your washboard ab building time.
  • Your band name: Barenaked Fat Guys
    Your video features: Barenaked Fat Guys
  • You confused video award shows and submitted the tape of your cousin Earl stepping on a rake.
  • The only video of you on TV this month shows you hiding a kilo of heroin in the kosher meal cart of American Airlines flight 393.
  • Still no category for “Most Wasted Punk Burning Stuff at Woodstock.”

Long-Term Effects of Listening to Country Western Music

  • Gun rack mysteriously appears in the back of your car.
  • You name your kids Garth, Reba, Conway and Merle.
  • You form a deeply-rooted mistrust of relationships, fashion trends, and foreign automobiles.
  • Big hats, big buckles, & big bills to the Home Shopping Network.
  • You start to notice just how doggone attractive yer sister is.
  • Thinking more and more the trash can lid would make one helluva belt buckle.
  • Diet of chicken-fried steak and Budweiser gives skin an unearthly glow.
  • At each of life’s major crossroads, you ask yourself, “What would Willie Nelson do?”
  • You become unable to discriminate between one too many and Whoooodoggie!
  • You take to speaking in cornball analogies like achin’ takes to a cheatin’ heart.
  • You find yourself turning tricks to support $100-a-day hair spray habit.
  • You can “Lather, Rinse and Repeat” until the cows come home, but your hair still looks like it has a quart of 30-weight in it.
  • Yet *another* worn-out CD player.
  • Your Bleedin’ Ear.
  • You begin to worship Jeff Foxworthy the way the French worship Jerry Lewis.
  • Stong urge to visit a barber and ask for “The Lovett.”

Jewish Country Western Songs

  • “I Was One of the Chosen People (‘Til She Chose Somebody Else)”
  • “Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”
  • “I’ve Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? “
  • “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Comin’ Over Tonight”
  • “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”
  • “Stand by Your Mensch”
  • “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”
  • “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breaking My Heart”
  • “My Darlin’s a Schmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”
  • “That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff”
  • “The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’, I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye'”
  • “You’re the Lox My Bagel’s Been Missin'”
  • “You’ve Been Talkin’ Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town”
  • “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)”

Surprizes on the Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour

  • Brisk ticket sales as fans realize they no longer need baby-sitters for their 40 year old children.
  • Harmonica solo on “Bridge Over Troubled Water” seems to be in the wrong key.
  • Audience shouts for “Sounds of Silence” every time Dylan sings.
  • Applause causes Clapper-controlled light show to freak out.
  • “Hey! Don’t Bogart that Viagra, dude!!”
  • Updated lyrics: “EVERYbody must get stoned… besides, it helps my glaucoma!”
  • Microsoft provides cutting-edge software used to translate Dylan’s vocals in real-time.
  • Paul’s the neat freak prude, Bob’s the beer-guzzling slob.
  • “Hyears to yeeewwww, Meeeeesuuus Rhhhobinson. Jesus luvs yeeeewwww mooorrrrrre than yeeeeewwwwww will knooooooow. O…O…O.”
  • “Now raise your cell phones way up in the air, and press star 99 like you just don’t care!”
  • Art Garfunkel gets chief roadie job because he’s the only one who can understand Dylan’s Chinese take-out order.
  • PA announcer introduces them as Mumbly Spice and Shorty Spice.
  • Simon’s emotional ballad for Bob: “Fifty Ways to Kill Your Liver”

Concerts We Will Never See

  • Harley Davidson presents Culture Club
  • Armani presents Bruce Springsteen
  • Mothers Against Drunk Driving presents Everclear
  • Lipton Tea presents Boston
  • The Committee To Elect Al Gore presents Bush
  • Red Lobster presents Phish
  • Microsoft presents Bad Company
  • Piper Aircraft presents The Dead Kennedys
  • Ivory Soap presents Rob Zombie
  • Krispy Kreme Doughnuts presents Hole
  • Pepto Bismol presents Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Spice Girls
  • Weight Watchers presents Cake
  • Viagra presents Deep Purple
  • Dr. Scholl’s presents Korn
  • Preparation H presents The Butthole Surfers

Albums We Will Never Buy

  • Journey Salutes The Music of Yes
  • Mariah Carey Sings Songs Only Your Dog Can Hear
  • Bob Dylan – Mumble Mumble Mumble Say What?
  • Barry Manilow: Original Gangsta
  • The Rolling Stones – Aren’t We Dead Yet?
  • Tammy Faye Bakker – The Extended Remixes (A 6 CD Box Set)
  • Ol’ Dirty Bastard Sings Rodgers & Hammerstein
  • Kathie Lee Gifford and the Sweatshop Settlement Agreement Choir Go A Carolin’
  • Marilyn Manson – For Lovers Only
  • N’ Sync Sings – Anything