- You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you than the primary nurse?
- Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back. Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses’ station heading south at three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the doctors’ lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?
- You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness. Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female, between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain. It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans will you need?
- You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before you return?
- You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to use the restroom but can’t find one unoccupied and have to walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends ten feet into the hallway. You can’t remember exactly when your break began. How much time do you have left?
- You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the door during the exam?
- An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into before she finds him?
- You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours later, he arrives and is at the patient’s side, asking for a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many rooms will you have to search before you find one?
- You have been asked to cover a coworker’s rooms during her break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to reach the door before pulling out the catheter?
Category Archives: Medical
Is It Serious?
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!”
Hungry Baby?
A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Oh…he is breast fed!”, replied the woman.
“Well then, strip down to your waist,” orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the exam table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, “No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!”
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds…”Well of course I don’t. I’m his aunt – but I’m SURE GLAD I brought him in!”
The Dangers of a Hot Bath
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax… Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”
Hospital Memo
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy.
In addition to routine nursing duties, charge nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the “from” line above, hospital administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.
Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life “How to…” series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on “Basic Wiring”, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.
Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO’s formulary.
He’s Not That Sick…
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?”
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, “Honey, he’s not THAT sick!”
You Might be in the Health Care Field If….
- Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
- You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
- You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
- Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
- You believe that “Shallow Gene Pool” should be a diagnosis.
- You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
- You think unspeakable evil will befall you is anyone says: “Boy, it sure is quiet around here.”
- When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their veins.
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide – Getting It Right The First Time.”
- You have ever had to leave a patient’s room before laughing hysterically.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
- You commonly utter the phrase: “What changed tonight at 2am that made this emergency after 6 months?!”
- You believe that “Too Stupid To Live” should be a diagnosis.
- You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.
- When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
- You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don’t even bother with birth control.
- You have used the words “Healthcare Reform” to strike fear in the hearts of your co-workers.
- You have heard, “Why, I don’t know how that got stuck there” too many times.
Graduate Nurses versus Experienced Nurses
- A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. - A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can’t read it.
An experienced nurse doesn’t wear a name badge for liability reasons. - A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn’t chart enough. - A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes. - A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn’t want anyone to know they are a nurse. - A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc. - A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them. - A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can’t hear any alarms at any distance. - A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn’t want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic. - A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath. - A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse. - A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody. - A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance “to work with the family”
An experienced nurse avoids the family. - A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all. - A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter. - A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone. - A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy. - A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some “cough syrup” in their bag. - A Graduate Nurse doesn’t find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.
Gingko Viagra
Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company now. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Such a Dilemma!
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.