Category Archives: Dogs

Doggie Smells

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(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central

Dashing through the park
With our noses to the ground
Walking on our ears
Pretending to be hounds
Not using our eyes
We navigate by smell
If its over an inch high
Then, it’s got a tale to tell

Oh, Doggie smells
Doggie smells
Outside of our home
Oh we love those doggie smells
When on the leash we roam

Doggie smells
Doggie smells
Marking every tree
All our other doggie friends
Have stopped right here to pee!

Doggie Dictionary

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  • Bicycles
    Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

  • Bump
    The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

  • Deafness
    This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

  • Dog Bed
    Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

  • Drool
    It is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

  • Garbage Can
    A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

  • Lean
    Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

  • Leash
    A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

  • Love
    Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.

  • Sofas
    Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

  • Thunder
    This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

  • Wastebasket
    This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

Mind Games Dogs Play with Humans

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  1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime.
  2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
  3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
  4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
  5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
  6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
  7. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
  8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
  9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
  10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Excerpts From A Dog’s Diary

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  • Day 180
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

  • Day 181
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

  • Day 182
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm – OH BOY! A BATH! NOT MY FAVORITE!

The Creation of Dogs

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On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Dog Commandments

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  • Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
  • Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
  • Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.
  • Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
  • Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
  • Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
  • Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
  • Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
  • Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)
  • Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
  • Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
  • Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
  • Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
  • Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
  • Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.
  • Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
  • Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law’s leg.

Does Your Dog Own You?

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See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

  • You believe every dog is a lap dog.
  • If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
  • You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
  • You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
  • You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
  • You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
  • No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
  • You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
  • You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
  • You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
  • You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.
  • You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
  • Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
  • When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
  • You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
  • You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
  • Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

Coldwater

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A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as Coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal”.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as Coldwater can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore”.

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!”

About Cats and Dogs

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What is a Cat?

  • Cats do what they want.
  • They rarely listen to you.
  • They’re totally unpredictable.
  • They whine when they are not happy.
  • When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  • They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  • They’re moody.
  • They leave hair everywhere.
  • They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

  • Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
  • They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
  • They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
  • They growl when they are not happy.
  • When you want to play, they want to play.
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  • They are great at begging.
  • They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
  • They leave their toys everywhere.
  • They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

10 Traits You Don’t Want in Your New Puppy

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  1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.
  2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn’t make a sound when a stranger comes to your door.
  3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your pillow as well.
  4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.
  5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he’s thirsty and you’ve left the commode lid down.
  6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.
  7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then go straight to bed — your bed.
  8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty papers.
  9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner guests.
  10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.