- A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college
- B – Beer: It’s whats for dinner
- C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
- D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
- E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
- F – Fdrinking* Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
- G – Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
- H – Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
- I – IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
- J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
- K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
- L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
- M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
- N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know
- O – Oh shit! What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.
- P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer
- Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning – YUCK!
- R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet
- S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
- T – Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
- U – Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
- V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
- W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
- X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
- Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
- Z – Zima: Zomething Different
5 Levels of Drinking
- Level One
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at Level One you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”. - Level Two
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool”. - Level Four
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an…. after hours bar. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself, “Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow … cool.”. - Level Five
Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!!!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air,and then you hit the worst part of Level Five — the sun.You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you – and they know. And they say…”Who’s Ruby?”
Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
Level Three
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live
together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at Level Three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool”.
Your Dog is Barking
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone…
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back …
“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
Wellness Tips We Can Learn From a Dog
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
- When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you’re not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout……run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
How to Tell the Weather
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
- If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
- If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.
- If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
Walkies
(To the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central
jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle,
oh…
Just hear those dog tags jingling
Ring ting tingling too
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a walkie together with you
Oh it’s just like Iditarod
Pulling you on the ice
We’ve got the leashes in our mouths
We’re not gonna ask twice
Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let’s go
We’ll eat all the snow
We’ll drag you around till your cheeks glow
Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it’s grand
Tugging at your hand
We’re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that’s grand
The other dogs are out there now
Making tracks in the snow
All the best smells are fading fast
To the park we must go
So grab that leash and hurry up
Anxious doggies are we
We’re loaded up with water
So we can mark every tree!
Reprieve
(to the tune of “Let it Snow”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central
Oh the snow in the yard is yellow
Thanks to our doggie fellow
But the droppings sink way down low
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!
So the scooper sits rusting outside
As we wait for Spring and “low tide”
The piles will wait down below
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!
In the warmth of the summer sun
We must scoop every day in the yard
But as soon as the winter comes
Finding the stuff gets quite hard
While the piles sit there fertilizing
Our backs aren’t exercising
Our rest is short, this we know
(please)
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!
New Dog Breeds Recognized by the AKC
- Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport - Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot - Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet - Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed - Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog - Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle - Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists - Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors - Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes - Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly - Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway - Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work - Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end - Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind….
Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog If…
- There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
- The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.
- The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
- The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
- That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.
- You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
- Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
- A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.
- Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.
- The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
Markin’ Around the Christmas Tree
(to the tune of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)
Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
What a doggie holiday
Just doin’ what comes naturally
Even though it’s Christmas Day
Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
Gotta squirt each present twice
Spreading our scent on all this stuff
It’s a doggie paradise
There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn
(but remember)
Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic
Hey – come on – it’s nothing drastic
Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We just do what boydogs do
Doin our duty gracefully
And we’ll share our loot with you
Markin’ around the Christmas tree
All precautions were in vain
We must own everything we see
So we stake our doggie claim
Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We don’t see the problem here
But if we’re caught we know that we
Will be dragged off by the ear
People shout and tell us we are evil little curs
(but remember)
We’re not trying to be snotty
YOU installed this indoor potty
Markin’ around the Christmas Tree
Gonna check our list off twice
When Santa visits, we know he
Can just sniff out who is NICE!