Category Archives: Blondes

Heavenly Blondes

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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter said to them, “Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is.”

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we’re thankful.”

St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her from heaven.

The second blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus’ birth and give each other presents.”

St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her from heaven.

The third blonde said, “I know what Easter is.”

St. Peter said, “Ok then, tell me.”

She starts, “Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder.”

St. Peter said, “Very good…”

She adds, “Every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.”

The Final Exam

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The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking my answers.”

Call 9-1-1

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“Did you hear what happened?” Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

“Hear what” I asked, my curiosity peaked.

“The regional vice president died this morning!”

“What?!” I asked, totally stunned. “What happened?”

“He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack” Jim began explaining. “Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.”

“Boy do I. She’s that young blonde babe.”

“Yeah that’s the one. Turns out she isn’t too smart, though.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He kept yelling at her to ‘call 9-1-1’. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”

Bus #54

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A blonde guy was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. He wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”

The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”

He thanked the officer and the officer drove off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, our blonde fellow is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 47th bus just went by!”

The Blond Passenger

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Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blond passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blond man called a stewardess to his seat and said, “I have a live grenade in my pocket. I’ll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo.”

Perplexed, the stewardess said, “But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo.”

“Damn!” replied the blond passenger, “I got on the wrong plane.”

Painting Stripes

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A blonde begged her friend at the highway department for a job, any job at all.

“Sure,” he said, “I can’t seem to keep people who paint the lines down the center of the roads. Will you paint stripes?”

The blonde agreed and began work immediately. The first day the blonde painted 5 miles of stripes. The next day the blonde painted three miles. But on the third day she only painted one mile of stripes.

The supervisor took the blonde aside and asked what was wrong. “You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days. Why are you working so slow now?”

The blonde replied, “The bucket keeps getting farther away.”

Building a House

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Two blonds were building a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward ME, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!”

The second got completely upset and yelled, “You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!!”

The Blond’s Horses

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A blond guy bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse. That worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail, and our blond friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When the horse owner did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

The Ranchers

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable’.”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde.”

“She’ll read it very slowly.”

Help Me With This Puzzle!

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One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start it.”

Her friend asks, “What is it a puzzle of?”

The blonde says, “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

The blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: “First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.”

“Second, I’d advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”