Category Archives: Workplace

I Love My Job!

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I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he’s the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!

I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

Cubicle Wisdom

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  • If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  • If at first you don’t succeed–try management.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  • Never quit until you have another job.
  • Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
  • Go the extra mile — It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
  • Pride, commitment, teamwork–words we use to get you to work for free.
  • Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
  • There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.

Phrases You Can Use in a Myriad of Business Situations

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  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • Ahhh…I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again…
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
  • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Company Motivation Posters We’ll Never See

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  • If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
  • It’s only unethical if you get caught.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • We put the “k” in “kwality”
  • If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
  • Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  • ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
  • We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
  • 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
  • Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
  • At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.

  • Never quit until you have another job.

How Business Communications Work

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MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters – New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Haley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day’s observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Haley’s Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day’s work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs
every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Haley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Haley’s Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA’s
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Haley and his Comets.

Fun Things to Hide in Your Boss’ Office

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  • A “baby monitor.” Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
  • A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying: I told you that damn condom ripped.
  • Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn’t roll and it will take the jerk and the IT department all day to figure it out.
  • 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. (Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day.) Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.
  • First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security …
  • A thong and a lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.
  • Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can’t see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.
  • A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card.
  • An open and empty condom wrapper.
  • A stained dress.

The Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

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  • Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
  • Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
  • Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
  • That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
  • Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
  • My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
  • Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
  • Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.
  • 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
  • Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
  • When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
  • Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

You Know You’ve Worked During the 90s If….

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  • You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.
  • Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
  • You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  • You learn about your layoff on the news.
  • Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  • Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries’ gross national products combined.
  • It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
  • Communication is something your section is having problems with.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
  • Being sick is defined as “can’t walk” or “in the hospital.”
  • You’re already late on the work task you just got.
  • You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
  • “Vacation” is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
  • Your relatives and family describe your job as “working with computers.”
  • Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them.
  • You have every “Cup-A-Soup” brand known to man in your desk drawer.
  • You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
  • During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your coworkers outnumber your family members.
  • You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you’ve lost your bestjokes.
  • You read this entire list and understood it.

From a 1943 Guide to Hiring Women

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Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are some helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

  • If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
  • When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
  • While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
  • Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.
  • In breaking in women who haven’t previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

The Advantages of Being a Temp

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  • You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
  • You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
  • Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
  • You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children’s school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.
  • No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
  • You can avoid the internal “war.” I once temped at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn’t even speak with the other… it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.
  • Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away…and the “customer” PHB can (often) be ignored.
  • Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo!
  • Leaving at 4:30.
  • Eight Words: “It was like that when I got here.”
  • You get to hear the words, “Good job” and, ‘Please stay” frequently.
  • When the company goes out backwards your resume says you worked for an agency.
  • You don’t give a rat’s hoohaa what the stock is doing.
  • I know my end date. The directs don’t.
  • It’s like being the only lemming in the group with a parachute…