Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.
Amen
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.
My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry
You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it ….
She moved in with me
Your computer is dead…
it was once so alive….
Do you regret installing
Win 95?
You totaled your car…
and can’t remember why…
could it have been…
that case of Bud Dry?
Of course I love ya darling
your a bloody top notch bird
and when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I dont mind a bit of flab
it means that when I’m ready
there’s somethin there to grab
So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I dont care
so long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there
No sheila who is your age
has nice round perky breasts
they just gave into gravity
but I know ya did ya best
I’m tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
that you’ve got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nannas grave now
the moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I
was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I’ll always love ya dear
now shut up while the footys on
and get me another beer!
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam’s,
One covered Eve’s.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve’s treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve’s eyes,
As Adam’s thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam’s thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve’s treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn’t let loose,
Until Adam’s thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I’m in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms….
And then he stuffed the turkey.
(some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)
I come for visit, get treated regal
So I stay, who care illegal?
Cross the border, poor and broke
Take the bus, see Customs bloke,
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see Welfare.
Welfare say, “Come down no more,
we send you cash right to your door.”
Welfare checks they make you wealthy,
Medi-Cal it keep you healthy.
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks, American Working Dummy!
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as can.
They come in rags and Chebby trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They all come, we live together,
some say they no like the weather.
Fourteen families all move in,
Neighbor’s patience growing thin.
Finally white guy moves away,
I buy his house and then I say,
“Find more aliens”, house I rent
in the garden I put a tent.
Send for family, they just trash
but they all draw more welfare cash.
Everything is mucho good,
soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby, it’s called breeding.
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need Dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free, we got no bills.
American crazy, he pay all year
to keep his welfare running here.
We think America damn good place,
too damn good for white man race.
If they no like us, they can go…
got lots of room in Mexico.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand, buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn
and all the scores from fans long gone.
The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.
Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who’s late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.
VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender’s all set, the fruit to mash.
Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away if it should rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I’m wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.
Ten civil servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized – then there were nine.
Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union – then there were eight.
Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
‘Til one of them was redeployed – then there were seven.
Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified – then there were six.
Six civil servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatized – then there were five.
Five civil servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.
Four civil servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised – then there were three.
Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment – then there were two.
Two civil servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave – then there was one.
The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I’ve trapped her legs, she’s tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and “I want food!”
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human’s chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth – And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning’s here and it’s time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!