- Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Do you need a silencer if you’re going to shoot a mime?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
- If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- You know how most packages say, “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”.
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
- You know the little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
- Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- Why are they called jumbo shrimp?
Category Archives: Thoughts
What?!?
- I can hold my own. But I’d rather hold yours.
- I love oral sex; it’s the phone bill I hate.
- Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
- The reason we can’t take it with us is because it goes before we do.
- MONEY IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVIL — send $9.95 for more info
- Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on!
- Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
- Synonym: A word you can use when you can’t spell the other one.
Hmmmmmm…
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…
- I must always remember that I’m unique, just like everyone else.
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
- If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what is a fog horn made of?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do they say, “Quit while you’re ahead”?!
- If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
- What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
- When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Remember half the people you know are below average.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever – so far so good.
- Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
- Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
- Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
Thoughts to Ponder
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
- Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
Oxymorons
Did you ever wonder why people say….?
- advanced basic airline food (also: junk food, hospital food)
- alone together
- amateur expert
- baby grand (piano)
- black light
- Brief survey
- civil war
- Congressional ethics
- criminal justice
- crisis management
- Deafening silence
- Death Benefits
- divorce court
- down escalator
- dry wine
- elementary calculus
- evaporated milk
- extra time
- fast idle
- flexible freeze (economics)
- freezer burn
- fresh frozen
- friendly argument
- gourmet pizza
- governmental efficiency
- great depression
- guest host
- half full (also half empty)
- Honest Crook
- hopelessly optimistic
- idiot savant
- industrial park
- irate patient
- jumbo shrimp
- Lean pork
- Light-Heavyweight
- live recording
- mandatory option
- marijuana initiative
- Medium Large
- Mild Abrasive
- minor disaster
- Mobil station
- No-good Do-gooder!
- non-stop flight
- old news
- Organized mess
- original copy
- partially completed
- passive agression
- peacekeeper missile
- perfect idiot
- plastic glasses
- pretty ugly
- random logic (fuzzy logic)
- rap music
- Renegade Lawmakers (from CNN during the battle in Moscow.)
- scheduled spontaneity (From a Franklin time management class.)
- Second Best
- singular relationship
- standard deviation
- student teacher
- sure bet
- sweet sorrow
- terribly nice
- Turbo Diesel
- unacceptable solution
- work party
- working vacation
Not So Deep Thoughts
- I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
- It was all so different before everything changed.
- Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.
- Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
- It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Modern Philosophies
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- The greater the diameter of knowledge the larger the circumference darkness.
If…
- If a listener nods his head when you’re explaining your program, wake him up.
- If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. – Henry David Thoreau
- If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.
- If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
- If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
- If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
- If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it’s not $19.95.
- If anything can go wrong, it will.
- If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
- If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
- If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
- If at first you don’t succeed, cheat!
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don’t succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
- If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
- If at first you don’t succeed, transform your dataset.
- If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
- If at first you don’t succeed, well…darn.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you probably didn’t really care anyway.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.
- If at first you don’t succeed, your successor will.
- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
- If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
- If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
- If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what is going on.
- If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
- If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
- If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
- If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
- If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
- If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
- If it doesn’t make sense, it’s either economics or psychology.
- If it doesn’t work, expand it.
- If it happens, it must be possible.
- If it is good, they will stop making it.
- If it is incomprehensible, it’s mathematics.
- If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
- If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
- If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
- If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
- If it says "one size fits all," it doesn’t fit anyone.
- If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
- If it works, don’t fix it!
- If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.
- If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
- If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.
- If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
- If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
- If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
- If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
- If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
- If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
- If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on vacation.
- If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
- If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
- If ‘success’ consisted simply of not taking chances, then ‘glory’ would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
- If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
- If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
- If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
- If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
- If there isn’t a law, there will be.
- If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.
- If things were left to chance, they would be better.
- If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
- If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
- If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
- If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
- If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.
- If you are coasting, you’re going downhill.
- If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
- If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
- If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
- If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
- If you are worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
- If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Harry S. Truman
- If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
- If you cannot fix it, feature it.
- If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
- If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
- If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
- If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
- If you did what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.
- If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
- If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
- If you do not care where you are, then you aren’t lost.
- If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
- If you do not know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
- If you do not like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.
- If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
- If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.
- If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
- If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
- If you file it, you’ll know where it is but never need it. If you don’t file it, you’ll need it but never know where it is.
- If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
- If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
- If you have nothing to do, don’t do it here.
- If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
- If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
- If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
- If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
- If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
- If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
- If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.
- If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
- If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
- If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
- If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
- If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
- If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
- If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
- If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you’re in trouble.
- If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.
- If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
- If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
- If you understand it, it is obsolete.
Food For Thought
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
- It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Failure is not getting knocked down… It’s not getting back up!
- Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
- Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
- Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
- Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
- I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
- I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
- I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
- Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
- I am having an out of money experience.
- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
- Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.