Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is a Homosexual

  • Gilligan: Shipwrecked with a movie star but prefers to bunk with the Skipper.
  • Sipowicz: Sure seems to go through a LOT of partners.
  • The Nanny: Said all she wants for Valentine’s day is “a box from Tiffany.”
  • Reverend Robert Schuller: A robe *and* a crystal cathedral?
  • Fonzie: has an “office” in the men’s room and always tells guys to “sit on it.”
  • That Peter Jennings character on “ABC World News Tonight” is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
  • Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C’mon!
  • Cheers: Check the reruns closely – Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
  • Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. “Girlfriend” has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
  • Why do you think they were called “Sweathogs”?
  • Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway musicals and potpourri.
  • The letters in “The Teletubbies” can be rearranged to read, “He bites eel butt.”
  • Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and… Okay, maybe Falwell’s got something here.
  • David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of “Baywatch” with nary an erection.
  • “Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman”

Gay Toon Town

Thank God the late Rev. Jerry Falwell stepped in to clean up children’s television. He outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the “Teletubbies,” because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He’s purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do. But Falwell’s work was far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years.

  • Fred Flintstone
    Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: “Twinkle-toes Flintstone.” The show’s theme song ends “…we’ll have a gay old time!” Wears an orange dress with little Triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
  • Bugs Bunny
    Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy – who, it’s worth noting, has a lisp.
  • Popeye
    Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn’t been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
  • Batman and Robin
    Evidence: Robin’s nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman’s real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They’re in great shape. They like to show each other their “grappling hooks”.
  • Peppermint Patty
    Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.
  • The Pink Panther
    ‘Nuff said

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek: the Next Generation

By Dave Fuller

Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We’ll have two days ’til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t,
We can’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me…

Worf: Not me!

Picard: Computer, how long ’til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems…

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You’ve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You’ve saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet —

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite…

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There’s sabotage among the wires
And that’s what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they’ve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven’t even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, “Help us, clothe us, feed us!”
I can’t just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we’ll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.



Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He’s very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun —
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let’s get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go—

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can…

Picard: Then make it so!

The Best of Carnac the Magnificent

Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch – and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon or YouTube.

  • A: Gatorade.
    Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
  • A: Bible belt.
    Q: What holds up Oral Roberts’ pants?
  • A: Milk and honey.
    Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
  • A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
    Q: Name three things you won’t find in Los Angeles.
  • A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
    Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
  • A: Ben Gay.
    Q: Why didn’t Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
  • A: An unmarried woman.
    Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
  • A: Disjoint.
    Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
  • A: The Laughing Policeman.
    Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
  • A: Dustin Hoffman.
    Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
  • A: Until he gets caught.
    Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
  • A: Old wives tale.
    Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
  • A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
    Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
  • A: Shareholder.
    Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
  • A: Skalliwags.
    Q: What does your skalli do when it’s happy?
  • A: David Frost.
    Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
  • A: Head and shoulders.
    Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather’s car?
  • A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
    Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
  • A: “Rose Bowl.”
    Q: What do you say when it’s Rose’s turn at the bowling alley?
  • A: That darn cat.
    Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
  • A: High rollers.
    Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.
  • A: Gunga din.
    Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
  • A: “Follow the yellow brick road.”
    Q: What are good directions to a urologist’s office?
  • A: At both ends.
    Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
  • A: Igloo.
    Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
  • A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
    Q: How does a stupid person spell “backgammon”?
  • A: Grape Nuts.
    Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
  • A: Supervisor.
    Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
  • A: Crabgrass.
    Q: What do crabs get high on?
  • A: Shake-N-Bake.
    Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
  • A: Blazing Saddles.
    Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
  • A: Flypaper.
    Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
  • A: Deep freeze.
    Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.
  • A: Bedbug.
    Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

A Story

Now, sit right back, and hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip. That started from a tropic port, aboard a tiny ship. They were four men, who lived together, but they were all alone.

They’d sing, “Fish don’t fry in the kitchen, beans don’t burn on the grill, took a whole lot of trying’, just to get up that hill.”

She was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls. They got tired of packing and unpacking, town to town, and up and down the dial.

‘Til the one day when the lady met this fellow. And they knew it was much more than a hunch. He said, “Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.”

The guys promised they were good old boys. Never meaning no harm. They were creepy and kooky. Mysterious and kooky. All together ooky.

The gals responded, “People say we monkey around. But we’re too busy singing to try to put anybody down.”

The skipper, brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. They all sang, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.”

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. Land spreading out so far and wide. The lady said, “Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.”

Once on land, the lady said, “I’ve been down this road, walking down the line that’s painted by pride.” This fellow said, “This is it. This is it. This is life, the one you got, so go and have a ball.” He told her, “Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?”

Time passed. Then, one day, as he was shooting at some food, up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea.

They were rescued. The rescue ship captain said, “Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back. To that same old place that you laughed about.”

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

New from CBS

Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show?

Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports AND takes music, dance or lessons on both.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and take care of a pet cat and dog.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

New Fall TV Season

  • NBC
    8:00 Friends
    8:30 Girlfriends
    9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
    9:30 My Gay Friends
    10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don’t
  • FOX
    8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
    8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
    9:00 Jiggle It Beach
    9:30 LA Chicks
    10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
  • UPN
    8:00 The Unwatchables
    8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
    9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
    9:30 Praying For Syndication
    10:00 The Last Thing You’d Ever Want To Sit Through
  • WB
    8:00 7th level of Hell
    8:30 Gittin’ Yo Freak On
    9:00 Me & My Psychic
    9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
    10:00 Dawson’s Clothes
    8:00 Blurry Steve
    8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
    9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
    9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
    10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
    10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
  • E!
    8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
    8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
    9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
    9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
    10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
  • ESPN2
    8:00 Finland’s Most Brutal Men
    8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
    9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann’s Leg Breaking
    10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
    8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
    9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn’t Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband in Self-Defense
    10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
  • TNN
    8:00 Well, I’ll Be Dipped in Pigturd!
    8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
    9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
    9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt!
    10:00 Hold ‘Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck
    8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!
    9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
    9:30 Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
    10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
    10:30 La Hora de Goya
    8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
    8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
    9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
    10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)

And Now, for $50,000…

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the mike.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence — the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week.

“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.

“I’ll try the easier part first.”

The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation…

“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

Rejected Game Show Titles

  • The Bong Show
  • Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
  • Iron Fry Cook
  • Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
  • “Who” or “Whom”?
  • To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
  • Bowling for Gum
  • Kathie Lee Gifford’s “Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?”
  • Leper-dy!
  • Wheel of Fortran
  • First Family Feud
  • Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
  • Let’s Bake A Veal
  • Win Ben Stein’s Undies