The Best of Carnac the Magnificent

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Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch – and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon or YouTube.

  • A: Gatorade.
    Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

  • A: Bible belt.
    Q: What holds up Oral Roberts’ pants?

  • A: Milk and honey.
    Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

  • A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
    Q: Name three things you won’t find in Los Angeles.

  • A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
    Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

  • A: Ben Gay.
    Q: Why didn’t Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

  • A: An unmarried woman.
    Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

  • A: Disjoint.
    Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

  • A: The Laughing Policeman.
    Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

  • A: Dustin Hoffman.
    Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

  • A: Until he gets caught.
    Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

  • A: Old wives tale.
    Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

  • A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
    Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

  • A: Shareholder.
    Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

  • A: Skalliwags.
    Q: What does your skalli do when it’s happy?

  • A: David Frost.
    Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

  • A: Head and shoulders.
    Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather’s car?

  • A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
    Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

  • A: “Rose Bowl.”
    Q: What do you say when it’s Rose’s turn at the bowling alley?

  • A: That darn cat.
    Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

  • A: High rollers.
    Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

  • A: Gunga din.
    Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

  • A: “Follow the yellow brick road.”
    Q: What are good directions to a urologist’s office?

  • A: At both ends.
    Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

  • A: Igloo.
    Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

  • A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
    Q: How does a stupid person spell “backgammon”?

  • A: Grape Nuts.
    Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

  • A: Supervisor.
    Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

  • A: Crabgrass.
    Q: What do crabs get high on?

  • A: Shake-N-Bake.
    Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

  • A: Blazing Saddles.
    Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

  • A: Flypaper.
    Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

  • A: Deep freeze.
    Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

  • A: Bedbug.
    Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?