Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch – and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon or YouTube.
- A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
- A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts’ pants?
- A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
- A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won’t find in Los Angeles.
- A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
- A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn’t Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
- A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
- A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
- A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
- A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
- A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
- A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
- A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
- A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
- A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it’s happy?
- A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
- A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather’s car?
- A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
- A: “Rose Bowl.”
Q: What do you say when it’s Rose’s turn at the bowling alley?
- A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
- A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.
- A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
- A: “Follow the yellow brick road.”
Q: What are good directions to a urologist’s office?
- A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
- A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
- A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell “backgammon”?
- A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
- A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
- A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?
- A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
- A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
- A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
- A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.
- A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?