Good News and Bad News for a Pastor

  • Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
    Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
  • Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
    Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
  • Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
    Bad News: The choir mutinied.
  • Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
    Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
  • Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
    Bad News: You were on vacation.
  • Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
    Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.

What if God Had Voice Mail?

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this…


Thank you for calling The Lord’s House. Please select from the following options:

  • Press 1 for General Requests
  • Press 2 for Thansgiving
  • Press 3 for Complaints
  • Press 4 for Healing
  • Press 5 for Help with the IRS
  • Press 6 for Rain or No Rain
  • Press 7 for Miracles
  • Press 8 for Lottery Winning Numbers
  • Press 9 for All Other Inquiries, or Just to Say “Hi”
  • Press 0 to hear this menu again

What if God used the familiar excuse: “I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:

  • If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
  • For Michael, press 22.
  • For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
  • If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
  • To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
  • For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a “heavenly perspective.”
  • To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. Please be careful, your receiver may become warm.
  • Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.
  • This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
  • To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
  • For emergencies, refer to your Bible.

The Reverend’s Wife Tells About Her Day

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you Love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put in on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection. Just lost in thought about the Lord and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy, he must really love the Lord. Because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled “Jesus Christ” as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, “Go Jesus Christ, Go”. Everyone else started honking too. So I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a Sunny Beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They told me that it was the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the Good Luck Sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray.

But just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window and gave them a Big Smile and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign as I drove away.

Talking to God

Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?” Johnny said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?” Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, “A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Johnny. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Johnny, getting an idea. “You’re so generous…can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute.”

Walking on Water

At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.

After a while, the priest said, “Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I’ve got to pee.” He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and *walked across the water to the shore.* He finished his business, then *walked back across the water* to the boat.

The minister said, “Father, I didn’t want to be the first to have to go,” stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.

The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine — WALKING on water! He thought to himself, “Well, if they can do this, so can I!” He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat … and sunk like a rock.

The priest turned to the minister and said, “You think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

Signs You Are in the Wrong Church

  • The church bus has gun racks.
  • The church staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor.
  • The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
  • There is an ATM in the lobby.
  • The choir wears leather robes.
  • The worship services are B.Y.O.S. (bring your own snake).
  • There’s no cover charge but communion is a two-drink minimum.
  • The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
  • The ushers ask, “Smoking or non-smoking?”
  • The Women’s Quartet are all married to the pastor.

A Conversation Between Moses and God

“Excuse me, sir.”

“Is that you again, Moses?”

“I’m afraid it is, sir.”

“What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?”

“How did you guess?”

“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

“Tell me what you want, Moses.”

“But you already know. Remember?”

“Moses!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!”

“Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?”

“You mean the Commandments, Moses?”

“That’s it. I was wondering if they were important.”

“What do you mean ‘were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”

“Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that.”

“What do you mean ‘you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn’t save them, Moses?”

“No, sir. I forgot.”

“You should always save, Moses.”

“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though.”

“And did you hear back from any of them?”

“You already know I did.”

“What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not’. Can he change the words a little bit?”

“Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”

“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”

“Moses, I’ll act like I didn’t hear that.”

“I think that means, ‘no’. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”

“I think that is spamming, Moses.”

“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”

“And what he did say?”

“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that’s the reason I lost those ten things, do you?”

“They’re called viruses, Moses.”

“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them.”

“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”

“I was afraid you would say that, sir.”

“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”

“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.”

“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”

“No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”

“No, Moses.”

“One other thing. Why didn’t you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn’t you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”

“I didn’t name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.”

“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?”

“Say good night, Moses.”

“Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.”

“Which ones are they, Moses?”

“Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and ‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor’s wife.’

“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending you another set of stone tablets. How does ‘Same Day Air’ sound?”

God and Billboards

billboard

New billboards are getting our attention all over the nation. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but a newspaper listed all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

  • Tell the kids I love them.
    -God
  • Let’s meet at my house Sunday
    before the game.
    -God
  • C’mon over
    and bring the kids.
    -God
  • What part of “Thou Shalt Not…”
    didn’t you understand?
    -God
  • We need to talk.
    -God
  • Keep using my name in vain,
    I’ll make rush hour longer.
    -God
  • Loved the wedding,
    invite me to the marriage.
    -God
  • That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…
    I meant it.
    -God
  • I love you and you
    and you and you and…
    -God
  • Will the road you’re on
    get you to my place?
    -God
  • Follow me.
    -God
  • Big bang theory,
    you’ve got to be kidding.
    -God
  • My way is the highway.
    -God
  • Need directions?
    -God
  • You think it’s hot here?
    -God
  • Have you read my #1 best seller?
    There will be a test.
    -God
  • Don’t make me come down there.
    -God
  • Do you have any idea
    where you’re going?
    -God

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it’s our secret. Woman to Woman.”

Football Christianity

Does your church practice “Football Christianity”?

  • Backfield in Motion: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.
    – OR – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Bench warmer: An inactive church member.
    – OR – Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.
    – OR – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
  • The Blitz: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.
    – OR – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
  • Blocking: Standing inside the church door complaining to the pastor about the sermon.
  • Extra point: What you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
  • Draft choice: Choose a seat near the back door.
  • Draw Play: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.
  • End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
  • Flex Defense: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
  • Fumble: A lousy sermon.
  • Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
  • Halftime: The Choir Anthem/Offertory
    – OR – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave
  • Illegal motion: Leaving before the benediction.
  • Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
  • Quarterback sneak: Sunday school teachers entering the church building five minutes after Sunday school begins.
    – OR – People who leave Mass before it’s over without grave reason.
  • Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.
  • Sudden Death: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.
  • Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
  • Two-minute warning: The chairman of the board sitting in a front-row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
    – OR – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.