Fractured Christmas Carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

  • Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
  • We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar
  • On the First Day of Christmas my Tulip Gave to Me
  • Later on We’ll Perspire, as we Dream by the Fire.
  • He’s Makin’ a List, Chicken and Rice.
  • Noel. Noel, Barney’s the King of Israel.
  • With the Jelly Toast Proclaim
  • Olive, the Other Reindeer.
  • Frosty the Snowman is a Ferret Elf, I Say
  • Sleep in Heavenly Peas
  • In the Meadow We Can Build a Snowman, Then Pretend that he is Sparse and Brown
  • You’ll go Down in Listerine
  • Oh, What Fun it is to Ride with One Horse, Soap and Hay
  • Come, Froggy Faithful
  • You’ll tell Carol, “Be a Skunk, I Require”
  • Good Tidings We Bring to You and your Kid

The First Christmas Letter

Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren’t the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labor. My OB doc said: “Make the trip.” Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it’s been a madhouse ever since!

First, we can’t agree on a name. Joseph likes Emmanuel – I’m holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn’t bad enough). At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?) We can’t get a good night’s sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.

Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we’re off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!

All my love,

Elf Pick-Up Lines

  • “I’m down here.”
  • “Just because I’ve got bells on my shoes, doesn’t mean I’m a sissy.”
  • “I was once a lawn ornament for ‘NSync. Want to meet them?”
  • “I can get you off Santa’s naughty list.”
  • “I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys.”
  • “I’m a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?”
  • “No, no. I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.”
  • “Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.”
  • “You’d look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.”
  • “I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.”

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn’t f**ked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can’t even walk into his house.

Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I’ll f**k you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that f**king bike. F**K YOU SANTA. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Little Johnny

‘Twas the Day After Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target and Mervyn’s.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away–charge away–charge away all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you’ll be paying all year!”

You Didn’t Win the Hallowe’en Costume Contest Because…

  • The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
  • ‘Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.
  • Your “Naked Linda Tripp” costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
  • Your “Yanni” costume got you beat up on the way to the party — four times.
  • Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your “Diggler” is stuck in the car door.
  • Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
  • Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check.
    Can of Homer Simpson “Duff Beer”? Check.
    Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
  • No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
  • This year’s guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
  • Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
  • The judges wrongly interpreted your “Liposuction By-product” costume as a “Bowl of Tapioca Pudding” costume.
  • The only song you knew to go with the costume was “Mammy,” and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
  • *Nobody* likes a farting clown.
  • After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Your “Ally McBeal” barfed in the judge’s trick or treat bag.
  • The Nike swoosh — while obscene to some — is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
  • “Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn’t I think of that??”
  • Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn’t go over that big at the Quayle house.
  • Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your “Road Kill Barney” costume.
  • Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President’s semen.
  • Although your “Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip” costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
  • You can’t get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
  • Looks like “Viagra Man” will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
  • Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess’s dead husband in order to get laid.

20 Ways to Confuse and Upset Santa Claus

  1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
  2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
  3. Leave him a note explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
  4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
  5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas” and “Go away Santa.”
  7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
  8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
  9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
  10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(“
  11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
  12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
  14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
  15. Leave Santa a note explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
  16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
  17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
  18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
  19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
  20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Christmas Controversies

  • CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
    YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use.
    MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use.
    FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
    REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur balls.
  • CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
    YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm.
    MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team.
    FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles.
    REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.
  • CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
    YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype.
    MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt.
    FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas.
    REALITY: Hell’s Angel steals the tree and the gifts.
  • CONTROVERSY: Do you fling or hang tinsel?
    YUPPIE: Empower each strand with/self-determining skills.
    MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree.
    FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
    REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree.
  • CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
    YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules.
    MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn’t interfere with football.
    FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present.
    REALITY: Doesn’t matter, everyone’s peeked anyway.

The Singing Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”

The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.” The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing…”Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”