Christmas Controversies

  • CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
    YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use.
    MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use.
    FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
    REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur balls.
  • CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
    YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm.
    MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team.
    FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles.
    REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.
  • CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
    YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype.
    MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt.
    FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas.
    REALITY: Hell’s Angel steals the tree and the gifts.
  • CONTROVERSY: Do you fling or hang tinsel?
    YUPPIE: Empower each strand with/self-determining skills.
    MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree.
    FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
    REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree.
  • CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
    YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules.
    MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn’t interfere with football.
    FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present.
    REALITY: Doesn’t matter, everyone’s peeked anyway.