Unique Laws

Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

  • Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
  • Beach’s Law
    Identical parts aren’t.
  • Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
  • Tussman’s Law
    Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
  • Lowery’s Law
    If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  • Peer’s Law
    The solution to a problem changes the problem.
  • William’s Law
    There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
  • Handy Guide to Modern Science:
    If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology.
    If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.
    If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.
  • IBM’s Pollyanna Principle
    Machines should work. People should think.
  • The Dilbert Principle
    The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management.
  • Ehrlich’s Law
    The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
  • Ralph’s Observation
    It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
  • Cannon’s Comment
    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
  • Cole’s Law
    Thinly sliced cabbage.
  • The Law of Common Sense
    Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
  • The Law of Reality
    Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
  • The Law of Avoiding Oversell
    When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
  • Law of Physical Displacement
    Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
  • Legal Rights
    Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
  • Law of Probable Dispersal
    Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  • Law Pertaining to Divorce
    Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him … get a good lawyer …keep his house.

Rules for Jewish Living

  • Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  • If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  • The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
  • Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  • If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
  • If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  • It’s not whom you know, it’s whom you know that had a nose job.
  • If you don’t eat it, it will kill me.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

Rules for Frequent Flyers

  • No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
  • If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
  • If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  • Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  • If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
  • Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  • The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  • The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

British Laws

  • Under the reign of Elizabeth I, any person found guilty of “harboring a Catholic priest” would be tortured or even hanged. Any priest of the Catholic faith that was caught would be hanged, drawn, and quartered.
  • With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.
  • All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy. Explanation: This law dates from the middle ages when there was no standing army, so in times of war each gentry was required to produce a quota (depending on its size) of knights, archers, infantry, etc. As the church was the only centralized instrument of bureauacracy (the lords were independent for the most part), they were used for such tasks.
  • London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats. Explanation: The London Hackney Carriage Laws covers hackneys in other towns too and have remained unaltered for over 100 years. Firms have been known to manufacture very small bales of hay to carry in a taxi during disputes during local councils (who license the
    hackneys everywhere except London). Also the vehicle has to be tethered at a taxi rank,
    and the council have to supply a water trough at said ranks (that could be fun on a Saturday night!). The one about urinating against the back wheel is a Hackney Carriage Law too, and has also been done, on mass, during taxi/council disputes (allegedly).
  • The severest Penaltys will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal House (enacted by George I).
  • It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).
  • It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person. Explanation: Introduced to outlaw “molly houses” which began to appear in the big cities of England in the late 16th Century. In these bordellos, homosexuals engaged in sex, sado
    -masochism, transvestitism etc., and they were perceived as a threat to public morality, and so outlawed.
  • Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).
  • It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks (enacted by Edward VI).
  • Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated. Explanation: Chelsea Pensioners are entitled to enhanced state benefits and subsidized accommodation, so pretending to be one is simply fraud!
  • A bed may not be hung out of a window.
  • It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
  • Mince pies can not be eaten on Christmas day. Explanation: Ingredients of mince pies and plum puddings were pagan in origin, and their consumption part of ancient fertility rituals. The law dates from the Puritan era, the same time that dancing in church, maypoles, and holly and ivy decorations were outlawed. The laws were never officially repealed because upon the restoration of the monarchy, (in the form of Charles II) all laws formed under the protectorate were ignored as invalid.
  • Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
  • It is illegal to leave baggage unattended. Explanation: Many terrorists in the UK favor the practice of placing a bomb in a bag, then leaving the bag to explode later. Since this became a real threat, this law was passed to deter the crime and prosecute those who commit it.
  • Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism. See above.
  • Those wishing to use a television must buy a license. Explanation: Unlike the commercial TV channels of the United States the two major stations in the UK are government paid for (BBC1 and BBC2) and have no commercials. This is also the case for the 4 government stations of Sweden as well. It has only been recently that commercial TV channels have been available to the public. The licence pays for the shows and the costs needed to run the stations. It also covers various taxes not noticed in the US. The taxes exist in the States, but with several hundred million people more in the States the tax is divided up into MUCH smaller bits.
  • It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour. Explanation: The law dates from the renegotiation of royal/political power on the accession of Charles II, designed to stop the MPs storming the house if it makes a decision they disapprove of. The Monarch is not allowed to enter the House of Commons (the legislative house) for similar reasons
  • Destroying or defacing money is illegal.
  • If a steam locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passersby.
  • All steam locomotives are limited to 4mph on roads.
  • Anal sex is prohibited.
  • You may not make out in public.
  • It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle. Explanation: One of many Hackney Carriage Laws that have been unaltered for over 100 years, and it has allegedly been done on mass during taxi/council disputes.
  • Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime.
  • Interfering with the mail or sleeping with the consort of the Queen is classed as treason, and as such, carries a maximum penalty of death.
  • Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is considered treason.
  • One may not “blemish the peace”.
  • A license is required to keep a lunatic.
  • Damaging the grass is illegal.
  • In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.
  • You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close in Hereford.
  • In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
  • In London, companies may vote in local elections.
  • In York, excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

Driving Rules

  1. Turn signals will give away your next move. Don’t bother using them or noticing when someone else does. A little respect goes a long way and we wouldn’t want that taking the extreme aggressiveness off of our roads!
  2. Drive three inches behind the car in front of you even if you are in the far right lane… they don’t want to see your headlights anyways so you will be doing them a courtesy. It’s not like this ever causes accidents or anything.
  3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow and should be done often. Also refer back to Rule #1.
  4. Lights: Yellow light means ‘Floor it!’ If the light just turned red it is okay to go through it still. The faster you drive through the red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. If you end up behind some asshole who slows down for a yellow light, get very angry and honk your horn at them while swearing.
  5. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want to piss the guy off behind you and have your insurance company pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
  6. A lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you in the soon-to-be-closed lane as you responsibly sit in the proper lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. Don’t attempt to stop your car on the line so these creeps can’t
    pass you; it only makes them honk their horn and give you dirty looks as they drive on the closed part of the road to get around you.
  7. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork (That’s one out of every 20 out here.) They have obviously been in many accidents and probably are under-insured if at all.
  8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. This is to be done especially fast right after changing lanes and cutting someone off.
  9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a great way to scare people entering the highway.
  10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforcable. If it says 55 MPH, you should be doing at least 70. Anyone doing less than that will be tailgated, harrassed, and passed on all sides.
  11. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  12. Need a shortcut when traffic is high? Simply drive down the center ‘suicide lane.’ It’s completely safe and no cop will ever give you a hard time about it. On the freeway? Just take the carpool lane or the space to the left or right of the ‘real’ lanes.
  13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
  14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Most truckers don’t have any idea how to load their trucks so be prepared to dodge pallets, boxes, and even couches! Abrubt swerving is also a fun and safe way to change lanes quickly and instantly! (Once again refer to rule #1)
  15. Always honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  16. Always assume a green light is going to turn red just before you get to it; speed up when approaching an intersection.
  17. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  18. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, yell at their kids, and run you off of the road in their SUV’s, at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
  19. Flipping someone the bird is considered a special salute commemorating the state’s rising. This gesture should always be returned.
  20. Once you get onto the freeway, just get into the far left lane and stay there. When other drivers pull up behind you trying to pass just ignore them and wait. Soon you will see that you have forced them to dart in and out of traffic to get around you which is much safer for everyone than for you to pull to the right when you have a chance.
  21. If someone cuts you off or wrongs you in any way on the road, be sure to teach them a lesson by getting very angry and staying so all day long.

By following these above listed rules, you can do your part to help keep our rapidly increasing population under control.

Rules for Dining Out

by Jim Moore Jr
  • Rule number one: If you’re traveling, never ever eat in any place called “Mom’s” — well, unless the only other places in town to dine are named “Eats” and “Dirty Harry’s”.
  • Rule number two: If you’ve entered a restaurant in the “Little Italy” section of the town, and you’ve noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder holsters, you’d better just leave.
  • Rule number three: If you’re waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty — whichever comes first.
  • Rule number four: If you’re given a choice of tables by the maitre d’hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.
  • Rule number five: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you’d better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.
  • Rule number six: If you’re in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can’t afford it either.
  • Rule number seven: If you’ve been served bread and rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you’d probably better just leave.
  • Rule number eight: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you’d probably better not order anything spicy.

Rick’s Laws of Crowded Department Stores

  • A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to passers-by who do know where they are going.
  • Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably holding a ’57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by.
  • When such idiot is intercepted by family and/or friends and removed from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot within 2.5 minutes, maximum.
  • No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up clearly announcing “NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27” there will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier’s line who figure this rule couldn’t possibly apply to them. And they’ll be pretty huffy about it, too.
  • Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or they’re shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will have the curious impression that After Christmas shopping is exactly the sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants most to do in this life.
  • The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain no less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to be ready to drive off at a moment’s notice. When the supervising human does return, odds are 50:50 that the dog will occupy said human’s lap as driving commences. Especially if the dog is the size of a Saturn Launch Vehicle.
  • No idiot driving a SUV has any grasp of the physical size of the vehicle, with the result being that parking them involves maneuvers hitherto unaccomplished by the entire Kirov Ballet.
  • Imbeciles paying for purchases of Items Necessary to Life (consumer electronics, compact disks, angora sweaters..) with $50 bills will be constantly complaining about the state of abject poverty they live in.
  • Seven hours before closing time December 24, Wal-Mart will start setting up displays of huge saccharine Valentine’s Bears, each clutching over-sized satin hearts.
  • Any mall containing a theater will have an aroma of popcorn frying in rancid canola emanating into the hall. The smell will be strong enough to gag a badger. And patrons will buy it at prices per ounce greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression it’s somehow “healthy” for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of salt on it somehow don’t count.

Computer Laws

  • Any given program, if running, is obsolete.
  • Any given program costs more, and takes longer.
  • If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  • If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  • Any program will expand and fill all of available memory — plus one byte.
  • The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
  • Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Rules for Driving in Big Cities

  • When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
  • Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
  • The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
  • Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
  • Always look both ways when running a red light.
  • Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
  • Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
  • Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

The Rules of Chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
    A. Because no one wants to quit.
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
  • If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
    You can’t let that happen, can you?