• Don’t throw a brick straight up.
• Don’t take long naps while driving.
• Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
• Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
• Don’t microwave yourself too often.
• Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.
• When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.
• If you’re on a ball field and someone shouts, “Heads up!” don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
• Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
• When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
• No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
• When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
• When you find a prize in a box of “Crackerjacks,” there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
• “Time” magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
• One + one = two. Try to remember that.
• Don’t count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
• If you discover that February only has 28 days, don’t report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
• For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

If you found above rules useful, under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

• Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
  After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
• Beach’s Law
  Identical parts aren’t.
• Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
  Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
• Tussman’s Law
  Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
• Lowery’s Law
  If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
• Peer’s Law
  The solution to a problem changes the problem.
• William’s Law
  There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
• Handy Guide to Modern Science:
  If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology.
  If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.
  If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.
• IBM’s Pollyanna Principle
  Machines should work. People should think.
• The Dilbert Principle
  The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management.
• Ehrlich’s Law
  The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
• Ralph’s Observation
  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
• Cannon’s Comment
  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Cole’s Law
  Thinly sliced cabbage.
• The Law of Common Sense
  Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
• The Law of Reality
  Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• The Law of Avoiding Oversell
  When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
• Law of Physical Displacement
  Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
• Legal Rights
  Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• Law of Probable Dispersal
  Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Law Pertaining to Divorce
  Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him … get a good lawyer …keep his house.