A Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If…

  • if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
  • if he says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”
  • if that “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs
  • if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
  • if he calls his young apprentice, “Juner(JR)”
  • if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
  • if the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family
  • if he calls Hank Williams Jr. “Master”
  • if his landspeeder has a gun rack
  • if he meditiates to old CCR records
  • if he calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy.
  • if he has ever said, “Anger… fear…aggression… Yankees…the dark side are they.”
  • if his X-Wing has a still in it
  • if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base
  • if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid
  • if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them
  • if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock
  • if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill
  • if he uses Jawas for a drink holder
  • if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
  • if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
  • if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
  • if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth
  • if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.
  • if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored
  • if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
  • if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
  • if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
  • if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
  • if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling
  • if his father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
  • if he’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light
  • if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery
  • if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest
  • if his father’s name is Garth Vader
  • if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids
  • if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister
  • if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
  • if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power
  • if he’s ever used a light saber to skin a deer

If Jesus Were A Redneck…

  • He’d have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.
  • His last words on the cross would have been, “Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here.”
  • He’d be famous for turning water into beer.
  • The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”
  • His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.
  • Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.
  • He would have cured blindness by yelling, “Yer healed” and slapping them on the forehead.
  • The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.
  • Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.
  • Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.

Redneck Horror Movies

  • Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
  • Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
  • Ah Seen What Y’all Done Last Summer
  • The Creature From Clint Black’s Spittoon
  • Don’t Tell Me You Love Me if You’re Gnawing Off My Leg
  • Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin’, Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin’ Zombies
  • Jurassic Trailer Park
  • Something Twangy This Way Comes
  • Psychoklahoma
  • The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
  • All My Axes are in My Exes
  • Throw Momma from Shania Twain
  • The Expectorist
  • She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It

Music Terms Misunderstood by Country Musicians

  • Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
  • Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels
  • Ritard — There’s one in every family
  • Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps
  • Relative Minor — A girlfriend
  • Big Band — When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
  • Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”
  • Repeat — What you do until they just expel you
  • Treble — Women ain’t nothin’ but
  • Bass — The things you run around in softball
  • Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see
  • Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
  • Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
  • Tempo — Good choice for a used car
  • A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville
  • Transpositions — Men who wear dresses
  • Cut Time — Parole
  • Order of Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar
  • Passing Tone — Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
  • Middle C — The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
  • Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
  • Tuba — A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
  • Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
  • Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
  • Clef — What you try never to fall off of
  • Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off
  • Altos — Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”
  • Minor Third — Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
  • Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad
  • 12-Tone Scale — The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
  • Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul
  • Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
  • Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo
  • Cello — The proper way to answer the phone
  • Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
  • French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
  • Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
  • Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives
  • Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
  • First Inversion — Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy
  • Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
  • Major Scale — What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Darn! That was a major scale!”
  • Aeolian Mode — How you like Mama’s cherry pie
  • Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

What’s Your “Southern” Sign?

Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own “Southern” astrological signs.

  • OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
    Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
  • CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
    Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
  • BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
    You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.
  • MOON PIE (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
    You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or – maybe not.
  • POSSUM (Apr 21 – May 21)
    When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
  • CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21)
    Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
  • COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23)
    Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
  • CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23)
    Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
  • GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
    Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
  • BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
    You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
  • BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
    Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.
  • ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
    You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

You Might Be a Redneck NASCAR Fan if…

  • You think the last four words of the National Anthem are “Gentlemen start your engines!”….
  • You think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida….
  • You’ve ever written Richard Petty’s name on a presidential ballot….
  • You’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures….
  • You have the word NASCAR in your wedding vows….
  • You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program….
  • You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series….
  • Your favorite NASCAR souvenir was a direct result of a crash in turn three….
  • You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights….
  • You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary….
  • You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are….
  • You think the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 mph…..round and round and round….
  • The word “Bank” makes you think of turn three at Daytona….
  • Your wife’s nickname is “Lugnut”….
  • You’ve spent more time on the top of a Winnebago than in one….
  • You know the “Back way” to Talledega….
  • You can change a tire faster than you can change a diaper….
  • You make engine noises while watching racing on TV….