A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

  • Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
  • Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
  • Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
  • Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
  • Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
  • Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians, health care managers and other humanitarians.
  • Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
  • Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
  • Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Signs You Need a New Doctor

  • He calls you at two in the morning “just to talk.”
  • Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
  • He keeps accidentally referring to himself as “the defendant.”
  • After examining you, he says, “Now do me.”
  • He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
  • He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as “drumsticks.”
  • His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
  • He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, “Doctor Jim Beam.”
  • Before surgery, he asks if you want this “to go.”
  • He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.

A Few New Doctors’ Remarks on Patient Charts…

  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Mental Illness of the Month Club

Announcement: the Mental-Illness-of-the-Month Club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being:

  1. During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments.
  2. During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.
  3. During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.
  4. During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.
  5. During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forwarding address for the club.

You members were obviously out to ruin us; it’s all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day.

Think of it This Way….

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, “Son, think of it this way … If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you.”

A Med Student’s Guess

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of “duck waddling” down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn’t agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, “my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia.” Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, “Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!”

Overheard at Medieval Medical School

  • “Today class, let’s open our convicted criminals to rib two.”
  • “Don’t bite it! You need to swallow it alive for it to work!”
  • “They should translate these obscure medical terms into something easy, like Latin.”
  • “It may seem like pointless superstition to you youngsters, but I haven’t washed these hands since my first delivery 37 years ago.”
  • “What do you mean we’re out of wild boar snout?!?”
  • “Headache? Take two spotted salamanders and call me in the morning.”
  • “Arthur, Schmarthur. What kind of insurance dost thou have?”
  • “Verily, it would seem our instructor Master Bush knoweth not the name of *any* disease!”
  • “Good woman Thurmond, to you a son is born. ‘Strom’ shall he be called.”
  • “Put down that dwarf and hand me the pliers!”
  • “Now, remove the speculum from the fire and insert it thusly…”
  • “No, no, push that yellow stuff back in. That’s pus from the *good* fairy!”
  • “Good knight, thy speed at treating boils is unsurpassed in all the kingdom! Thou shalt be called ‘Sir Lance-a-lot’.”
  • “Come now Hypoglycies, how can too much sugar possibly be bad for you?”
  • “Gesundheit! Now be sure to wipe that off his liver.”

Medical Truths

  • The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
  • You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
  • The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
  • When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
  • If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
  • There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
  • When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …
  • Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
  • As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
  • Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
  • You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end …
  • Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
  • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
  • The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

Medical Breakthrough

First there was Psychotherapy,

Then there was PsychoPharmacology

Now there is ATTITUDE SURGERY!

If you have tried the traditional mental health route…and are still having attitude problems…. consider having an OPTORECTOMY procedure.

The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviates your crappy outlook on life.

A Medical Funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”