Signs You Need a New Doctor

  • He calls you at two in the morning “just to talk.”
  • Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
  • He keeps accidentally referring to himself as “the defendant.”
  • After examining you, he says, “Now do me.”
  • He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
  • He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as “drumsticks.”
  • His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
  • He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, “Doctor Jim Beam.”
  • Before surgery, he asks if you want this “to go.”
  • He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.