How to Have Fun with Beer Coasters

  1. Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.
  2. Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.
  3. Insert a $10 bill and reseal.
  4. Return to bar.
  5. Place beer coaster under glass.
  6. Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.
  7. Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the advertisements on TV and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden $10 bills in their coasters.
  8. Keep arguing about whether it’s true or not until everyone in the bar knows what you’re talking about.
  9. Tear open some beer coasters; look depressed.
  10. Partially tear open the one with the $10 bill in it.
  11. Shout, “I’ve won ! I’ve won”, and wave the tenner still wedged in the beer coaster around.
  12. Watch every coaster in the bar get destroyed.

The 5 Stages of Male Drunkeness

  • Stage 1: Smart
    This is when he suddenly becomes an expert on every subject in the known universe. He knows he knows everything, and wants to pass his knowledge on to anyone who will listen. At this stage, he is *always* right. And, of course, the person he is talking to is very *wrong*. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are *smart*.
  • Stage 2: Good-Looking
    This is when he realizes that he is *the* best-looking man in the entire bar (and possibly on the entire planet), and that all women fancy him. He can approach a perfect stranger knowing she fancies him and really wants to talk to him. Bear in mind that he is still *smart*, so he can talk to her about any subject under the sun.
  • Stage 3: Rich
    This is when he suddenly becomes the richest person in the world. He can buy drinks for the entire bar because he has an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. He can also make bets at this stage, because of course he’s still *smart*, so naturally, he will win all bets. It doesn’t matter how much he bets, because he is *rich*. He will also buy drinks for every woman he fancies, because he is also now the best-looking man in the universe.
  • Stage 4: Invincible
    He is now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom he has been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt him. At this point, he can also approach the partners of the women he fancies, and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. He can *especially* approach the partners of lesbians he fancies, because he *knows* he is just the man to turn the hot, sexy, inaccessible lesbian partner into a heterosexual. He has no fear of losing this battle, because he is *smart*, and *rich*, and, hell! he’s better-looking than any of these losers!
  • Stage 5: Invisible
    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point, he can do anything, because no one can see him. He dances on tables to impress the women he fancies, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see him. He is also invisible to the angry lesbian who wants to bash his skull in with a pool cue. He can walk through the street singing at the top of his lungs because no one can see or hear him, and because he is still *smart*, and *rich*, and — oh, hell, you know the rest.

One Night in a Bar

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Drugs and Side Effects

  • Ecstasy
    How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.

    How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting and will probably get you beaten.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe”.

    How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.

    Embarrassment rating: 60% Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. Isn’t that a bitch? This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.

  • Marijuana
    How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.

    How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen. Or at least you can believe it can happen.

    How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that Chinese Buffet.

    Embarrassment rating: 10% You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.

  • Alcohol
    How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.

    How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date. The likely hood of you spilling your cookies or pissing your pants increases with each drink.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 90% Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.

    How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.

    Embarrassment rating: 110% Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.

  • Cocaine
    How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.

    How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow. <sniffle>

    Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it.

    How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.

    Embarrassment rating: 0% if there’s more coke in the drawer. 90% if there isn’t.

  • Acid or Shrooms
    How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a good show.

    How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother. You may break your dick (or his) as the likelyhood of you realizing that your skivvies are off is Zero.

    How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Chaucer’s “The Norton Anthology.”

    Embarrassment rating: 0% You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night (even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.

Do Re Mi Beer

by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH… the stuff…that buys me beer…

RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…

ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,

FAR….. the distance to my beer

SO…… I think I’ll have a beer…

LA…… La la la la la la beer

TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…

That will bring us back to…(Looks into an empty glass)

DOH!

Designated Decoy

Saturday Morning, 2:00 am

Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”

Darwin Award – Hydrogen Beer

TOKYO (AP) – The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is counter suing for defamation and loss of customers.

The Asaka Beer Corporation brews “Suiso” brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one’s mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.

“Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers” said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take Bar. “Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune.”

“He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune’s hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma’s knees, knocking his legs from under him. The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr. Otoma’s legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette.”

“The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault.” Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.

Cool Things About Having a Beer Belly

  • You’re less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.
  • It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.
  • It’s a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.
  • Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you’ll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.
  • Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.
  • And finally, the COOLEST thing about having a beer belly:

  • YOU CAN DRINK LOTSA BEER!!!

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Bowsy-Wowsy!

A gay guy goes into a bar and asks in an effete voice, “Can I have a beer please?”

“We don’t serve your types in here,” says the butch barman.

“Serve me or I’ll bring my fierce German Shepherd in here,” says the gay guy.

The barman laughs his head off.

The gay guy comes back in with a truly magnificent German Shepherd. “Let him have it, Cyril!” he orders.

Cyril puts his front paws on the bar and barks, “Bowsy-wowsy!”