- Horn broken.
- Watch for finger.
- Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
- All generalizations are false.
- Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
- I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
- Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
- Born free…Taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
- Montana — At least our cows are sane!
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
- No radio – Already stolen.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
- Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
- Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
- IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- i souport publik edekashun.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Keep honking…I’m reloading.
- Caution: I drive like you do.
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back.
- The French fax read: “As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc., etc., but we have no idea at all how to do it.”
- The German fax read: “We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.”
- The Polish fax read: “As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane …”
from Ford Motor Company
As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now.
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light, look at the guy in the car next to you.
Roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him and yell:
“Oh, did you fart, too?”
As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Well, okay.”
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Well, okay.”
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, “What am I going to do now, Lena?”
Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.”
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
- Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up.
- Have another beer while oil is draining.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
- Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
- Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floor board in reaction.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 2001.
- Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
- Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
- Drive car
- Before changing lanes you should:
- both a & b.
- just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
- The top light on a traffic signal is:
- Who cares, it doesn’t apply to me anyway.
- The speed limit in a residential area is:
- 35 MPH.
- 25 MPH.
- 45 MPH.
- I paid $65,000 for this car, I’ll drive as fast as I want.
- In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
- slow to a walking pace.
- go around the block.
- speed up and honk your horn.
- In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
- maintain your speed.
- slow a little.
- slow a lot.
- speed up and don’t bother honking your horn.
- Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
- when there is a left turn arrow.
- on Sunday at 2 A.M.
- When ever you damn well feel like it.
- When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
- must stop.
- may pass on the left after checking.
- may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
- use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.
- When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
- pull to the right and stop.
- pull into the nearest car wash.
- roll down your windows.
- turn up the radio and ignore it.
- You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
- when the doors are closed.
- if there are no police around.
- when you have missed your turn.
- When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
- watch the signal.
- stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
- call anyone – even directory assistance – on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.
- When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
- two blocks before turning.
- two car lengths before turning.
- two miles before turning.
- what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I’ll sue him.
- A U-turn in a business district is legal:
- only at an intersection.
- if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
- Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
- on Sunday.
- if there is a fire hydrant.
- when I’ll only be there for five minutes.
- What is your annual gross income:
- $80,000 and up.
If you answered ‘d’ on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.
If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.
If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we’re sorry, you just don’t have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.
Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.
The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve motorists’ use of “lethal force” in dealing with idiot drivers.
Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action by Congress. “This is truly a great day in our country. I predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as soon as I blow away that asshole who’s in the right turn only lane with left turn signal on.”
Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction include:
- Stopping for a yellow light.
- Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.
- Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to “go through the light.” (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone in.)
- Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the United States to go down drastically upon passage.)
- Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional ban on “Cruel and Unusual” punishment. Punishment administering drivers are encouraged to “be creative.”
Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month training period. Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, “The land-mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of ‘slow and easy’. Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they’ll learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We think it’s a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people.”
- Signal only when you feel like it.
- If you feel you must use your turn signals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
- Signal only after you change lanes.
- When driving straight, make sure that at least one turn signal is blinking at all times.
- Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
- If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
- If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
- When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
- When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
- Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
- When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
- Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
- If you must use hand signals instead of your turn signals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.