Bubba Claus

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A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated….Please read the following carefully…….

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
  3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
  4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
  5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”
  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
  8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
  9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.”

    10. Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus
    (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

The Beer Drinker’s Night Before Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all I could hear
Was my party guests screaming, “We’ve run out of beer!”
I laughed for a moment, said, “They’re pulling my leg,”
For I had just tapped a half-barrel keg.

“No, really, we’re out!” someone shrieked out of fright.
And the crowd grew more restless, surely there would be a fight.
“Now relax,” I said calmly “I’ve got plenty more brew.”
“I’ve got Coors in the pantry, and Schlitz in the loo.”

But my pantry was bare, and my fridge empty, too,
Gone, too was the six-pack I kept in the loo.
My pulse quickly rose and my heart sank with fear
For what kind of people could drink that much beer?

I looked at my guests; some invited, some not.
And I smelled the unmistakable sweet smell of pot.
Then I saw two girls giggle with glassy-eyed grins.
There was no mistaking: It was the Bush Twins.

They had drank all my beer and smoked all my stash.
Now I was lamenting my Christmas Eve bash.
The girls were shot-gunning the last can of Bud,
When up on the roof I heard a great THUD!

Then down from the chimney came a jolly fat dude.
He said, “Ran out of beer? Aw, man that’s just rude.
“Lucky for you, you’ve been a good boy.
“So I will provide you with great Christmas joy.”

And out of his sack he proceeded to bring
cases of beer (Oh, it made my heart sing).
More Bud and more Coors, even Michelob Light
More Killian’s and Beck’s; what a wonderful sight!

My guests started cheering, the Bush girls did flips.
Even the secret service were whetting their lips.
The Kennedy’s came by; John Daly did, too.
The Spirit of Christmas was sure coming through.

I looked out my window and spotted St. Nick
Chugging a pitcher, and chugging it quick!
And I heard him exclaim as he flew fast away,
“Drink, but don’t drive” as he crashed his new sleigh.

Batteries Not Included

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‘Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
“Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with “assembly required” till morning’s first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefull went, though I suppose
there’s something to say for those self-deluded-
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

Gifts *Not* to Get Anyone for Christmas

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  • The gift of a free membership to Weight Watchers
  • The “Monica gift set” including a cigar, beret, and stain remover
  • A ride-on vacuum cleaner — especially when she is expecting her favorite perfume.
  • A free consultation with Dr. Kevorkian
  • A Solar powered flashlight
  • A voucher for a free pap smear
  • A ten dollar gift certificate to McDonalds
  • Membership in Fruitcake of the Month club
  • The same lousy present that they gave you last year that you never opened and didn’t know how to get rid of it.

Gifts to Avoid this Holiday Season

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Washington Post — Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea.

  • 4th runner up
    Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm

  • 3rd runner up
    A Pee Wee Herman pull toy

  • 2nd runner up
    The Duncan YoGoes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties

  • 1st runner up
    5,200 pick up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game

  • Winner
    The “Learn About Puberty Chia Pet”

Honorable mentions:

  • Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
  • The laff-o-minit jajic spellin’ tootor.
  • Doggie dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
  • Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.
  • Water retention Wanda — Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
  • Advanced play medical kit — includes colonoscope and speculum.
  • Chocolate covered lead soldiers.
  • Bungeroo — kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
  • Islamic strip poker — lose a hand, lose a hand.

Season’s Crude Greetings

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Money’s Short
Times are Hard
Here’s your F***ing
Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I’d just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what’s the matter

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old f***er fell

He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney
with a thuderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night

Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole

Trick or Treat! What’s Your Sign?

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  • Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
  • Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
  • Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
  • Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
  • Leo plans their costume for months, then won’t go out because someone else had the same idea.
  • Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they’re a bookkeeper.
  • Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
  • Scorpio isn’t in it for the candy.
  • Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
  • Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
  • Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
  • Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

Arkansas Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a darn thing was a movin’, from the front to the back.

The kids were in bed, we had nine at the time.
The wife in her curlers, was lookin’ real fine.

A cold wind was blowing’, Up the holler it moaned.
Ten dogs on the porch all howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin’ of weapons and guns
for killin’ God’s creatures, there’s no better fun!

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks.
I just weanted my Chevy down off of them blocks.

The out in the yard such a noise did commence.
Like something was caught in our new bob-war fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick.
The man makin’ the racket was good ol’ St. Nick.

You may think of Santa in your own mind’s eye,
dressed in a red and white suit, but I’ve got a surprise.

That old boy’s an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor.
He married his cousin and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
he hooks the thing up to a razorback pig!

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
he backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back he looked lots like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said, “Lite Beer”,
he had no red hat on, but his cap read, “John Deere”.

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
then back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
then he yelled at the dogs, “Get the hell out th’ way!”

I ran out to ask him why he brought such good cheer;
but instead he just asked me, “You get you a deer?”

Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took flight,
“Merry Christmas to all… I need a Bud Lite!”

April Fools

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In sixteenth-century France, the start of the new year was observed on April first. It was celebrated in much the same way as it is today with parties and dancing into the late hours of the night.

Then in 1562, Pope Gregory introduced a new calendar for the Christian world, and the new year fell on January first. There were some people, however, who hadn’t heard or didn’t believe the change in the date, so they continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April first.

Others played tricks on them and called them “April Fools.” They sent them on a “fool’s errand” or tried to make them believe that something false was true.

In France today, April first is called “Poisson d’Avril.” French children fool their friends by taping a paper fish to their friends’ backs. When the “young fool” discovers this trick, the prankster yells “Poisson d’Avril!” (April Fish!)

A Man’s Guide to Surviving Valentine’s Day

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(Works for Anniversaries, Too!)

If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Valentine’s Day or that all-important anniversary is coming up soon. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit.

The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don’t know either, but I did look it up on the Internet.

Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word “romance” with “hot mamas,” here’s what I found out.

HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN: Call her. Hug her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry and flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would only need to show up wearing anything remotely revealing, including a hazardous material suit.

This may sound like an oversimplification of gender romance differences, but it isn’t far from reality. It’s always Valentine’s Day for men, if you get my drift. Women need a special day.

Because it involves a woman’s feelings, Valentine’s Day is something of a mystery to men. So is the top of a box of Cheeze Doodles, but we’ll save that for another column.

The following is a basic guide to Valentine’s Day survival for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at “Romance Anonymous,” formerly known as “Men Are Pigs But We Can’t Kill Them.”

  • STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know that you care. The least expensive way is to look at her — preferably somewhere on her face — and say, “I love you, [her name here].” If you forget her name, don’t bother with the rest of the steps. You’re dead.
  • STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it’s cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as “I’ll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and … ” Bad Valentine cards say, “Good for one free quart of motor oil.”
  • STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters. By the way, since the candy is supposed to be for her, she’s going to notice any test bites. Stay out of it.
  • STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially if you didn’t bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind that most women, even in Utah, do not consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.
  • STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Few men are smart enough about women to figure out their underwear. Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the approximately 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk that you’re looking for something that can’t be used to strangle you in your sleep.
  • STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than 0.002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries.
  • STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don’t believe me, I can show you last year’s knot on the back of my head.