You Don’t Know Jack Schitt

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Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt”. After this, you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a Shitt-Happens double ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

New Barbies on the Market

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  • Transgender Barbie
    Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

  • Mobile Home Park Barbie
    Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her government support check is. Double wide trailer with polyester curtains and a redwood deck sold separately.

  • Homegirl Barbie
    Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like, “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my face,” and, “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

  • Sister Mary Barbie
    This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun’s habit (after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

  • Rabbi Barbie
    So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kiddush cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

  • Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie
    Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).

  • Dinner Roll Barbie
    A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o’fried chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Breyer’s ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading, “Only the Weak Don’t Eat,” and, of course, an appetite.

  • Temp Barbie
    This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

  • Administrator Barbie
    Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Administrator Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a reorganization and a move, and order airline tickets for Administrator Ken.

  • Birkenstock Barbie
    Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Barbie at 40

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One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn’t look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna.

Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don’t seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world’s most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here’s a list of possible new Barbies…

  • Bifocals Barbie:
    Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

  • Hot Flash Barbie:
    Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

  • Facial Hair Barbie:
    As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

  • Cook’s Arms Barbie:
    Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

  • Bunion Barbie:
    Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors:pink, rose, blush.

  • No More Wrinkles Barbie:
    Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

  • Soccer Mom Barbie:
    All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school egaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr.. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

  • Midlife Crisis Barbie:
    It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

  • Single Mother Barbie:
    There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

  • Recovery Barbie:
    Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.

Personality Test

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Enjoy this test, sometimes called the Dr. Phil Test (who has no personality test). It is as reliable as a fortune cookie, but still good for a laugh. Don’t peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now… not who you were in the past. It’s only 10 simple questions, so… Grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

Ready?? Begin…

  1. When do you feel your best?
     a. in the morning
     b. during the afternoon & early evening
     c. late at night

  2. You usually walk…
     a. fairly fast, with long steps
     b. fairly fast, with short, quick steps
     c. less fast head up, looking the world in the face
     d. less fast, head down
     e. very slowly

  3. When talking to people you…
     a. stand with your arms folded
     b. have your hands clasped
     c. have one or both your hands on your hips
     d. touch or push the person to whom you are talking
     e. play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

  4. When relaxing, you sit with…
     a. your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
     b. your legs crossed
     c. your legs stretched out or straight
     d. one leg curled under you

  5. When something really amuses you, you react with…
     a. a big, appreciative laugh
     b. a laugh, but not a loud one
     c. a quiet chuckle
     d. a sheepish smile

  6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…
     a. make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
     b. make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
     c. make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

  7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted. Do you…
     a. welcome the break
     b. feel extremely irritated
     c. vary between these two extremes

  8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
     a. red or orange
     b. black
     c. yellow or light blue
     d. green
     e. dark blue or purple
     f. white
     g. brown or gray

  9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie…
     a. stretched out on your back
     b. stretched out face down on your stomach
     c. on your side, slightly curled
     d. with your head on one arm
     e. with your head under the covers

  10. You often dream that you are…
     a. falling
     b. fighting or struggling
     c. searching for something or somebody
     d. flying or floating
     e. you usually have dreamless sleep
     f. your dreams are always pleasant

    11. POINTS:

    1. a=2, b=4, c=6
    2. a=6, b=4, c=7, d=2, e=1
    3. a=4, b=2, c=5, d=7, e=6
    4. a=4, b=6, c=2, d=1
    5. a=6, b=4, c=3, d=5, e=2
    6. a=6, b=4, c=2
    7. a=6, b=2, c=4
    8. a=6, b=7, c=5, d=4, e=3, f=2, g=1
    9. a=7, b=6, c=4, d=2, e=1
    10. a=4, b=2, c=3, d=5, e=6, f=1
      11. TALLY

      Now add up the total number of points.

      • OVER 60 POINTS:
        Others see you as someone they should “handle with care” You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

      • 51 TO 60 POINTS:
        Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

      • 41 TO 50 POINTS:
        Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.

      • 31 TO 40 POINTS:
        Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest… Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

      • 21 TO 30 POINTS:
        Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It’d really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

      • UNDER 21 POINTS:
        People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t.

A Little Game

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This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don’t read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 1 minute…Total!

  • First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
  • Then, beside the first and second numbers, fill in any two numbers you want.
  • Beside the 3rd and 7th numbers, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.
    • Don’t look ahead …. or it won’t turn out right !
  • Write anyone’s name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
    • Don’t cheat or you’ll be upset that you did … this is interesting!
  • Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.
  • Finally, make a wish…..

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And here is the key for that game….
You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in (the number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true.
The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.
You care most about the person you put in 4.
The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3.
The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
And 11 is the song telling how you feel about sex!

Verbal Rorschach Test

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Instructions: Measure patient’s response to these statements:

  • I salivate at the sight of mittens.
  • My father was a good woman.
  • My sex life is A-OK.
  • I believe in afterbirth.
  • I often lie to make myself obnoxious.
  • I prefer spiders to lima beans.
  • Chiclets make me sweat.
  • Often, I think I am a special agent of Billy Graham.
  • I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
  • Sometimes I feel I am persecuting somebody.
  • Policemen love me.
  • I have never been able to put a bagel into overdrive.
  • Boredom excites me.
  • My mother was Erik the Red.
  • Eggplants make me blush.
  • Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
  • Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
  • I believe I smell as good as most people.
  • Halitosis is part of my style.
  • I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
  • I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
  • I have taken shoe polish to excess.
  • God rarely answers my letters.
  • As a child I often suffered from bubonic plague.
  • I always cut my hair with an emery board.
  • Sitting in the glove compartment makes me claustrophobic.
  • My nose has suddenly gone blank.
  • It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a room full of cockroaches.
  • Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.
  • I am afraid of finding myself in a drawer or some other compromising place.
  • I am not threatened by people who want to put my tongue in a paper punch.
  • I am tired of being elected President.
  • I believe in Cincinnati.
  • My parents always faced catastrophes with a song.
  • I think oatmeal is erotic.
  • I have an uncontrollable urge to fondle other people’s teeth.
  • My tonsils frequently come when I whistle.
  • I am piqued when I find a rhinoceros in my bed.
  • The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.
  • Sometimes I believe someone is trying to take over my stomach.
  • I believe there is a plot to make me happy.
  • When I look down from a high place I want to spit.
  • I am often bothered by thoughts of sex while having intercourse.
  • Most of the time I go to sleep without saying “good-bye.”

Personality Quiz

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by Neil Zawacki

Well, I’ve decided to write a personality quiz to help people determine what kind of person they are. This was inspired by the old ‘The Far Side’ cartoon about the four different personality types:

  1. The glass is half full!
  2. The glass is half empty.
  3. Half full! No, half empty! Wait, what was the question again?
  4. Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!

So grab a #2 pencil and piece of paper and get ready for…

The All-New All-True Absolutely Foolproof People Personality Test

  1. When walking through a door, do you…
     a. Open the door, hold it open for the next person, and then walk right on through.
     b. Open the door and walk right on through, ignoring whoever’s behind you.
     c. Open the door, hold it open, wait for everybody nearby to walk on through, look around for anyone else, neatly close the door behind.
     d. Slam your hand on the wheelchair symbol to make the door open automatically, watching it smash the face of an oncoming person as you walk on through.

  2. You decide to take the night off and go to a movie. What do you see?
     a. A comedy, maybe sci-fi or horror.
     b Dramas. Don’t forget the kleenex-box.
     c.I’ll see anything with Pauley Shore! I must have seen ‘Bio-Dome’ twenty-three times!
     d. John Woo flicks.

  3. When getting up in the morning, do you…
     a. Wake up right at 7:00 A.M. and sing merrily in the shower!
     b. Look at the time, hit the snooze alarm, roll over, and then get kicked out of bed by your mate.
     c. Get up, fall asleep in the shower, go to breakfast, fall face-first into your cereal, go outside, fall asleep in your car, drive to work/school, snore loudly.
     d. Wonder whose house you’re at and how you came to be wearing that sailor suit.

  4. What is your favorite color?
     a. Red
     b. Blue
     c. Why pink, of course, it’s the same color as my house!
     d. Black. All of my clothes are black. My hair is dyed black. I wear black lipstick and listen to The Cure all day. Death is my favorite character from Sandman.

  5. You’re going to the Zoo. What do you visit?
     a. Lions, tigers, giraffes, that sort of thing.
     b. The reptile house to see if maybe they’ll let me hold the snakes.
     c. To the monkeys and apes so I can gain information to disprove those awful Darwinists! I also have a Jesus Fish on my car.
     d. Back to my cage to see if any of my stuff is still there. I say hi to the new tenants.

  6. It’s dinner time and you’re hungry. What do you eat?
     a. A hamburger, fries, maybe a soda.
     b. A nice lobster or steak dinner, some salad.
     c. A Spamwich between two rice cakes, and some plain yogurt for flavor. Mmm-mmm good!
     d. Well, first I have the Hunt. I don an antler helmet and strip down to a loincloth, and then gather my friends and release an animal in the house. We then proceed to chase it with spears and high-powered rifles, eventually cornering it and gutting it in little Timmy’s room. We then stick its head on a pig-pole and dance around the room wildly singing war chants.

  7. What is your political affiliation?
     a. Democrat
     b. Republican
     c. I, uh, think that Perot is really great, and, uh, has a real chance to win this year! Yeah! Really!
     d. I agree with Lyndon H. LaRouche Jr.’s policy to shoot Jane Fonda with a laser beam from space.

  8. What section of the newspaper do you read first?
     a. The comics or sports page.
     b. The front page. News is important.
     c. I don’t read the newspaper, cuz I get all the information I need from Oprah and Ricki.
     d. The obituaries. I like to make sure I’m not listed.

  9. You look outside and discover today’s your favorite weather. Is it…
     a. A nice warm day, not to hot, perfect for outdoor activity.
     b. A dark wet rainstorm, great for atmosphere.
     c. Why, I LO-OVE the sun and HA-ATE the rain. It’s so nasty and gloomy, and Mr. Sun allows me to go to the beach and sunbathe in my 3-sizes-too-small bikini! Tee-hee!
     d. Tornados, lightning storms, and earthquakes where giant cracks open in the ground.

  10. You’re going to a concert. What do you choose?
     a. Some rock or rap group. Creed.
     b. Light rock, like Maria Carey.
     c. Why, Top 40 of course! Taylor Swift is the greatest thing since breakfast cereal!
     d. Deicide.

  11. What was your response to the O.J. verdict?
     a. Anger! He was clearly guilty, damn it!
     b. Well, the jury heard the evidence and acquitted him, so what can you do?
     c. I sure hope he finds the real killers.
     d. Well, the thing is, O.J. actually IS innocent. What do you mean, how do I know? Uh, no reason.

  12. What is your Purity Test score?
     a. 90-75. It was funny.
     b. 75-50. I’m hoping to lower it real soon.
     c. My what?
     d. I use the locale and group relations sections to come up with new ideas and things to try. Why? What was your score?

  13. You wake up on the thirteenth and fall out of bed, smashing a mirror. You spill salt on yourself at breakfast, and as you walk out the door a black cat crosses your path. You enter into work walking under a ladder, causing the guy on it to fall off. As you make your way through the hallways everyone
    seems to look at you with sadness or averts their gaze. When you reach your desk you find a note pinned to it saying your boss wants to see you. Do you…
     a. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.
     b. Go on in and get fired.
     c. Walk in and say ‘Hi, Dad!’
     d. Wonder how you suddenly came to work in an office when you’ve been spending the last five years on a mountain in Tibet worshipping a yak named ‘ANZEL’.

  14. You’re in a movie theater slurping away on an extra-large soda, munching on artificially-flavored popcorn when you suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Do you…
     a. Get up and move to the bathroom as quickly you can.
     b. Hold it in.
     c. Hold it in for as long as you can, pressing your knees together, finally getting up at the most dramatic moment of the movie to clamber past annoyed movie-goers, stepping on toes, finally reaching the bathroom and then not have to go anymore.
     d. What do you think those popcorn buckets are for?

  15. They want to make English the national language of the United States. What’s your opinion?
     a. It’s unfair to immigrants and it’s good when we’re exposed to other cultures.
     b. I guess it’s O.K. I really don’t see it as that big of an issue.
     c. Well, by golly, it’s gosh-durn time! All then damn foreigners have been corrupting our youths with their twisted ways, and it’s about time we did something! If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
     d. They are fools all. The national language of the country should be Esperanto.

  16. Your mate comes to you and announces they have been confused lately and no longer love you and from now on can only be with members of their own sex. Do you…
     a. Plead with them to reconsider.
     b. Look shocked and break up immediately.
     c. Say – ‘Well, if you want to live in a nunnery or monastery, I guess that’s your own thing.’
     d. Ask what they have against hermaphrodites.

  17. A passerby glances at your bookcase and gets a look at the contents. What does he see?
     a. The latest Stephen King novel, some Danielle Steele, maybe a Fox Trot collection.
     b. Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, The Works of Shakespeare.
     c. ‘The Wit and Wisdom of Rush Limbaugh’
     d. Naked Lunch, The Illuminatus Trilogy, The Book of Lies

  18. You’re driving down the street at 50 MPH when the traffic light suddenly turns yellow. Do you…
     a. Put the pedal to the metal and speed through.
     b. Hit the brakes.
     c. Start to go through, realize you’re not going to make it, slam on the brakes, screech to an agonizing halt, end up in the middle of the intersection (looking like a fool, I might add), meekly make your way past the rest with your tail between your legs.
     d. Flip on your homemade infrared siren and make the light change to green.

  19. Where do you see yourself at age eighty?
     a. Living with my spouse in a beautiful blue house with a white picket fence and a bunch of pink flamingos.
     b. In a rest home using a walker or wheelchair.
     c. Why, I’m going to live with my son and his wife and sleep between them in their bed every night!
     d. A head in a jar as the twelfth victim of the ‘Reaver-Cleaver’.

  20. It’s the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and the horizon is encompassed in flames. Mutants walk the streets and black
    ash and rubble cover all as the sky turns to red and the seas boil away. You’ve just seen your best friend torn to shreds and civilization as you know it is over. Do you…
     a. Vow to someday rebuild society.
     b. Double over in grief and despair and wait for a painful death.
     c. Start a despotic government in which you are supreme ruler over a coalition of potato-farmers.
     d. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

    21. ANSWERS:

    You probably have a lot from each, but add up the letters you got the most of and check the column below. Also remember to check the individual notes for specific personality traits.

    • MOSTLY A’s: You are possibly quite optimistic, decisive, outgoing, ordinary or forward. You believe that ‘he who hesitates is lost’, and are probably quite light-hearted.
    • MOSTLY B’s: You are possibly very serious, pessimistic, careful, intelligent or quiet. A ‘look before you leap’ kind of person. You may get depressed often.
    • MOSTLY C’s: You are stupid, boring, indecisive, a conformist, naive and extremely pathetic. You have absolutely no chance of succeeding in life, and frankly, deserve to be taken out and shot.
    • MOSTLY D’s: You’re a frickin’ freak! You’re a complete deviant and weirdo! Welcome to the club! We hold meetings on Thursdays.
    INDIVIDUAL NOTES

    • Question #1:
      D. Isn’t that fun?

    • Question #2:
      C. You sad, sad person.
      D. Wasn’t ‘The Killer’ great?

    • Question #3:
      A. I hate you.
      D. And why doesn’t the damn sailor suit fit?

    • Question #4:
      C. This was my neighbor across the street.
      D. Mine’s Dream.

    • Question #5:
      C. Do you sell any of those little religious comic books? (Somebody Goofed, Dank Dungeons, etc.)
      D. Hope you’re house-broken.

    • Question #6:
      D. Is Piggy there? He’s got the conch!

    • Question #7:
      C. I’m in! No, I’m out! No…
      D. Really? Me too.

    • Question #8:
      C. Don’t forget Charles Perez.
      D. You might want to check Time’s Milestones column.

    • Question #9:
      B. Ain’t it?
      C. Why do you emphasize certain words so much?
      D. Try a trip to Beirut.

    • Question #10:
      D. Three extra points if you can recite the lyrics to ‘Satan Spawn’.

    • Question #11:
      D. Why don’t you sell your story to The Weekly World News?

    • Question #12:
      D. Call Me!

    • Question #13:
      D. Yes, and let’s not forget that ANZEL IS LOVE.

    • Question #14:
      C. Why do you come to every movie I go to?
      D. Never sit next to me.

    • Question #15:
      C. Note the irony.
      D. Like in The Stainless Steel Rat.

    • Question #16:
      C. Where they’ll live as one big happy family!
      D. I see.

    • Question #17:
      C. Coming soon to a theater near you.
      D. Don’t you love talking typewriters?

    • Question #18:
      C. This was my mother’s answer.
      D. Really? Can you get me one?

    • Question #19:
      C. And they’ll love you for it!
      D. I’m going to be number seven.

    • Question #20:
      C. Try Idaho. You’ll be great.
      D. My deepest respects.

    Well, there you have it, my all-new personality test! Written by respectable scientists! Supported by a bunch of Psychiatric Foundations whose names currently slip my memory. Nominated for three Peabody awards! And much, much more…

    Do what this as you will, I just ask my name stays attached to it.

    Copyright (c) 1996 by Neil Zawacki

A Logic Test

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  1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.
  2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
  3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?
  4. Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes?
  5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?
  6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?
  7. If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?
  8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and — without hitting a wall or any other obstruction — have the ball stop and come right back to you?
  9. According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?
  10. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

    PNLLEEEESSSSS


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Answers:

  1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.
  2. There are twelve (not four).
  3. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!
  4. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!
  5. If they put them all together, there will be one pile.
  6. Horse racing.
  7. The President.
  8. Throw the ball straight up.
  9. Suicide
  10. Sleeplessness

A Quiz for People Who Know Everything

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  1. There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
  2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
  3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
  4. At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
  5. What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
  6. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
  7. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
  8. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
  9. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
  10. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
  11. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls — a walk — is one way. Name the other six.
  12. It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
  13. How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
  14. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter “s.”

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS……

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ANSWERS TO QUIZ

  1. Boxing.
  2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every

    minute.

  3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
  4. Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not believe it, try it with your watch, it is only 10 times).
  5. Baseball.
  6. Strawberry.
  7. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
  8. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
  9. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
  10. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
  11. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder’s choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
  12. Lettuce.
  13. If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn’t throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
  14. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.

Hurricane Survival Quiz

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  • How are hurricane’s names selected?
    a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
    b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
    c. Page 824 in Miami’s phone book
    d. Hurricanes don’t care what you call them

  • What do they call the most severe hurricane?
    a. Category 5
    b. Red Alert
    c. Costly
    d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

  • If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet?
    a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
    b. Never, Isabel doesn’t want to have anything to do with a blowhard like Guido
    c. Never, Guido said that there’s no place for Isabel to stop and ask directions; she’ll probably end up in Rio
    d. Trick question – hurricanes don’t depart from Key West

  • You’re flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a hurricane directly ahead. What’s the first thing that enters your mind?
    a. It’s got the right of way! It’s got the right of way!
    b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
    c. I can’t believe she’s going to get EVERYTHING now!
    d. I gotta change my shorts!
    e. The windshield

  • A hurricane is dangerous if…
    a. you get in it’s way
    b. it’s had a REALLY bad day
    c. you try to stop it to ask directions
    d. you do not yield right of way

  • How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
    a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
    b. They have REALLY good binoculars
    c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
    d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings

  • How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
    a. Sell it – QUICK
    b. Bury it and dig it up later
    c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it’s a big bush
    d. Two words — Duct tape

  • What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to be heading in your direction?
    a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
    b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye
    c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
    d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building

  • What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
    a. Begin those remodeling plans you’ve been putting off
    b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
    c. Cancel your homeowner’s insurance
    d. Go on a picnic and/or to the beach

  • When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
    a. When the water level reaches the roof
    b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
    c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
    d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls

  • Where should you evacuate?
    a. a nearby lowland to wait out the floods
    b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of Florida’s many mountain tops
    c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
    d. Out to sea on a small craft

  • Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?
    a. All the best spots are probably taken
    b. Track in too much sand
    c. Cooler keeps blownin’ away
    d. Hard to stay put under the 50′ waves

  • If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not…
    a. stare; it’s impolite
    b. make direct eye contact
    c. offer it some Visine
    d- ask if it’s seen Dorothy and Toto

  • What happens after the eye passes?
    a. Stay very still; maybe it didn’t see you
    b. It can’t see you any more
    c. You can expect a large nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
    d. It winks and waves good-bye

  • What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
    a. Locate your computer
    b. Determine if your computer is operational
    c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
    d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your computer

  • Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
    a. Local government (also blown away)
    b. State government (can’t afford to help)
    c. Federal government (doesn’t care)
    d- Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)

  • What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane?
    a. Electricity (no cold beer)
    b. Telephone (no modem)
    c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
    d. Callgirls (prey the rebuilding begins soon)

  • What happens a year after you’re hit by a hurricane?
    a. Still looking for pieces of your house
    b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
    c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
    d. The government sees you’ve started rebuilding; concludes you need no emergency help