Bill of No Rights

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The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights”.

  • ARTICLE I:
    You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

  • ARTICLE II:
    You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

  • ARTICLE III:
    You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

  • ARTICLE IV:
    You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

  • ARTICLE V:
    You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

  • ARTICLE VI:
    You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

  • ARTICLE VII:
    You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

  • ARTICLE VIII:
    You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

  • ARTICLE IX:
    You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

  • ARTICLE X:
    You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Fossils?

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The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Charleston, S.C. named Scott Williams who digs up things in his backyard and sends them to the Smithsonian Institution, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Here follows a response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “3211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
  3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

  1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
  2. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, therefore carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus Spiff-Arino. Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities

Balance

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made”.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?”, inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to diffrent countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God.”That’s Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,”What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’m putting next to them in Sweden and Russia.”

Bad Luck and Chain Letters

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If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days…

In 40 days, approx. 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.

Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing
almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.

Real Questions About Australia

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These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site and the answers are the actual responses by the web site officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

  • Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

  • Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

  • Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

  • Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
    A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

  • Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

  • Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of //Europe//. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.

  • Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

  • Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

  • Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

  • Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

  • Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs

  • Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

  • Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

G’Day, mate!

A Useful Tip

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In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”

The Asshole Bill of Rights

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As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:

  1. I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
  2. I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
  3. If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
  4. I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
  5. If I think someone’s an idiot, I will tell them they’re an idiot.
  6. I have the right to tell children that their parents aren’t raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you’ve been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time…what exactly would you want to say that’d be any nicer?)
  7. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, shut the hell up.
  8. You may have the right to speak, but I don’t have to listen to you.
  9. If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it’s a free country.
  10. If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I’m at it.
  11. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
  12. Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
  13. Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
  14. Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you’re worried about my religious beliefs?
  15. Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
  16. Just because you work at McDonald’s doesn’t mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
  17. (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you’re a student does not mean that you’re any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
  18. Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
  19. If you’re stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
  20. It’s ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn’t have the $5, what makes you think I’m going to have $25 you retards!!)
  21. If you don’t like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
  22. If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it’s a newborn baby?
  23. If I shoot you while you’re committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I’ll shoot you again.
  24. Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
  25. If you live in Tornado Alley, don’t whine when you get hit by a tornado.

A Sad State of Affairs

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We now live in a country where I have no president but I do have …

  • A dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.
  • A fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.
  • A new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of the man who may be president.
  • A Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be president and son of a man who was.
  • A sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same men who voted to remove him from office.
  • A senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff despite the fact that he is 98.
  • A potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in how the Senate is composed.

    • And finally ….

  • A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without appearing to be partisan.

Any questions? Frankly, I don’t see what the confusion is all about.

It was the Palestinians…

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The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict.

The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, “Of course.”

The Prime Minister begins his story: “Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing–including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

“‘Who took my clothes?’ Moses asked those around him.

“‘It was the Palestinians,’ replied the Israelites –“

“Wait a minute,” objected Arafat immediately, “there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!”

“All right,” replies the Prime Minister, “Now that we’ve got that settled, let’s begin our negotiations.”

The Americans With No Abilities Act

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WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

     

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans–through no fault of their own–do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. “Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding “middle man” positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”

“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. “This new law should really help people like me.”

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”