Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

Clinton Compared to the Titanic

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You remember the story about Lincoln and Kennedy and all the coincidences of their lives? Well, let’s compare Clinton with the Titanic:

  • TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
    CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
    CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70%.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Monica… uh, never mind.

  • TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

Clinton’s Speech Translated

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Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17, 1998 Speech to the Nation.

[Translated comments are in brackets.]

“President Bill Clinton’s Speech”

Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.

[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

[I got busted, and now I’m trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

[I have given a new definition to the term “screwed by the Government.”]

In fact, it was wrong.

[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

[Hope you brought a shovel ’cause here comes the bullsh*t…]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

[I lied like a bitch.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

[Guess who’s not ‘getting any’ tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

[I thought I’d get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of ‘Soccer.’ ]

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

[I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

[I’m still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who’ve
caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

[Can’t everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most — my wife and our daughter — and our God.

[Git offa mah land ‘fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain’t seen NOTHIN’ yet!!]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It’s nobody’s business but ours.

[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.

[-cough- -cough- -choke- I’m having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that’s gone up…]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.

[I got busted but maybe you won’t see though my flimsy facade.]

Now it is time — in fact, it is past time to move on.

[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

We have important work to do — real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything…]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

[Now that I’ve made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term ‘American Pigs,’ and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? –C’mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching.

[Sorry you had to see this.]

And Good Night.

[Ok! That’s the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]

If Bill Clinton Were in Star Wars…

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  • “Well, it depends on your definition of ‘father’, Luke.”
  • “Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?”
  • “I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military… Okay, now I don’t.”
  • “Oh-h-h, you’re looking for a little *WOOKIE*… Well, that’s different.”
  • “Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I’m your father, too. And that Queen chick? I’m her daddy for sure. And Leia’s. And Lando’s, Boba Fett’s, Jabba the Hutt’s, Chewie’s…”
  • “Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!”
  • “I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music.”
  • “Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster — and make it look like a suicide.”
  • “I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky.”
  • “It’s a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away — and I’m still a lyin’ weasel.”
  • “Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac — not excuses.”
  • “Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work.”
  • “These are not the droids you’re looking for, Ma’am. Say, it’s getting hot in here — you might want to take off your top.”
  • “She’s my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain’t an obstacle!”

Clinton’s Postage Stamp

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When Bill Clinton completed 5 years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Hillary, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and Clinton was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter. Hillary checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Clinton.

She said: “There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.”

New Evidence Shows Clinton Pardoned Hitler, Satan, Self

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In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.

Clinton’s press liaison defended the pardons. “President Clinton reasoned it’s time to put this whole ‘World War’ thing behind us. While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he’s been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance.”

Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. “There were forces constantly at work against him. I’m not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it’s like to have the media of the world against you.”

Clinton’s pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton’s Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton’s soul.

Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, “These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago.”

Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself “for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity — even things they’ve not found out about yet!”

Clinton’s Best and Worst

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Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States, a famous biographer was going to write Bill’s life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, “What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency?”

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, “Monica Lewinsky! I’d have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision.”

“How could that be, Bill?” asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled, “I’d have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason.”

“That’s odd. What is the reason?” said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, “Monica had a big mouth.”

Bill Clinton’s Retirement Plans

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  • Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and sisters.
  • Tour the nations’ prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
  • Write book: “The American Presidency: An Oral History.”
  • Buy a Hooter’s franchise.
  • Catch up on eight-year stack of “Penthouse.”
  • Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
  • Continue work counseling interns.
  • Stop using fake names in personal ads.
  • Take little Buddy out three times a day — also walk the dog.
  • Get to know those Gore girls better.

Clinton’s Voice Mail

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Back when President Clinton was still in office and you tried to call the White House on the phone during the day, this is what you often heard:

You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don’t hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call.
Have a nice day now!

  • If you are male and would like to leave a message for the President,
    press 9.

  • If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president,
    press M-O-T-E-L-6.

  • If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea,
    press N-O-W-A-Y.

  • To leave a message for Buddy,
    press D-O-G.

  • To leave a message for Socks,
    press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

  • To leave a message for Roger Clinton,
    press A-A.

  • To leave a message for Ted Kennedy,
    Press 7-A-N-D-7.

  • If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom,
    press D-O-L-L-A-R.

  • If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee,
    press Y-E-N.

  • If you are calling to support Hillary’s birth control program,
    press F-R-I-G-I-D.

  • If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno,
    press W-A-C-O.

  • To leave a message for a member of Congress,
    press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

  • To leave a message for the Gore 2000 campaign,
    press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

  • If you wish to make a complaint,
    press B-I-T-E-M-E.

  • To speak to an operator,
    press O.

  • To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the President will answer your call shortly.

Mortgage Phone Call

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Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I’m Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I recall. That’s 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down–that’s $440,000–leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let’s have a look at your financial statements.

Let’s see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and you salary is–oh, dear–$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you’ll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you’re running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year–assuming, of course, she’s elected so even with your pension you’re still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where the schools aren’t so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven’t worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back. Don’t get upset. It was just a little joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could still get your money back.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine. Let’s look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we’re not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But–oh!-those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you’re $4 million in the hole.

How do you expect to pay that off? You’re hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you’re relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there’s a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you’re not lying on you loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about?

You say you’re in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear, indictment- wise. What does that mean? You don’t think–don’t think–she’s going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we’re not totally sure, right? That means there’s a remote possibility –note that I say “remote”–that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let’s review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you’re hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as “checkered”, plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You’ve got your mortgage!

Clinton Quickies

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  • Q: What’s the working title of Bob Woodward’s new book?
    A: “All the President’s Semen”

  • Q: What’s the difference between Zippergate and Watergate?
    A: This time we know who Deep Throat is.

  • Q: Have you heard the latest poll? 10,000 American women were asked if they’d sleep with President Clinton…
    A: And 80% said, “not AGAIN!”

  • Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky go to the White House General Store?
    A: To buy some Presidential Kneepads.

  • Q: Have you seen the newest Washington souvenir?
    A: It’s a T-shirt that says “I blew the president, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”

  • Q: Why did Clinton meet Lewinsky in the Oval office?
    A: It was so she could debrief him.

  • They’re playing a new game at the White House: Swallow the leader.

  • Q: What’s the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton?
    A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic.

  • Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
    A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

  • Clinton didn’t tell Monica Lewinsky not to lie in deposition…
    He told her not to lie in that position.

  • Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
    A: When Hillary is out of town.

  • Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
    A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

  • President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
    “What is it?” exclaims the President.
    “It’s this Abortion Bill Mr. President,” the aide replies. “What do you want to do about it…?”
    “Just go ahead and pay it,” responds the President.

  • Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
    A: “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

  • Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
    A: He wants to be on top.

  • Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
    A: He married her.

  • Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton’s sexual appetite?
    A: It Takes A Village!

  • Q: What was Yasser Arafat’s advice to Bill Clinton?
    A: Goats don’t talk.

  • Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat?
    A: When she didn’t swallow everything he presented.

  • Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
    A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

  • Q: What’s the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
    A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

  • Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes HE did?
    A: A dead girlfriend.

  • Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
    A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.