A Naughty Little Poem

I’m sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.

She whispered, “Will it hurt me?”
“Of course not,” answered he.
“It’s a very simple process,
You can rely on me.”

She said, “I’m very frightened,
I’ve not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore.”

Then finally contented
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.

“Calm yourself,” he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
“Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in.”

“It’s coming now,” he whispered
“I know,” she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said “I am glad I am having this.”

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said “I’m glad I came now.
You made it worth my while.”

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It’s just your dirty mind!

Practice safe fax – use a cover sheet!

My Wife

So here I sit, in all my glory…
Lend me an ear, and I’ll tell ya a story…
I once had a wife–she was such a dear,
Then came the Net, and it all disappeared!

Now there she sits, for hours on end…
don’t care where I’m goin’, don’t care where I’ve been.
It could be three, or it could be nine…
she really doesn’t care, long as she’s online.

She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in yelling at me, “Get off the phone!”
Where is the hug? Where is my kiss?
But she’s at the computer–that’s all she missed!

Talking to cyber friends, checking the mail
I might as well be in a Cyber Jail!
My stomach’s growling–it’s so unfair!
No clean dishes and no clean underwear!

Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I’ll pick at my teeth and roam the halls,
Farting and burping what a sight to see…
Can you believe she’s there?? When she could be with ME!!

My Forgetter

My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke
to you that may seem funny
but, to me, that is no joke.

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “who’s that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread

Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!


It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn’t everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering…
So send me all your money
And I will suffer for you.
Cash is fine.

I’m Not Old… Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand—I’m not old—I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer—can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature.

Twisted Mary Had a Little Lamb

Mary had a little sheep,
It went to bed with her to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high
Which really didn’t please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
And turned it’s wool to nylon.

Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off
His little wooly dick got hard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal
Every time it jumped the fence
You could see its little arsehole

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went
Gynecologists surrounded.

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm,
The poor guy nearly died.

Mary had a little lamb
A little roast, a little jam
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz
Boy, how sick our Mary is.

Mary had a li’l lamb
Its wool was soft and pink
A big bad wolf came by one day
Now Mary has a mink!

I Love My Job!

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he’s the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!

I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

How to be Politic’lly Correct

Don’t call that schlub a “fatty,” for it’s simply not allowed;
He’s now “physic’lly expansive” or “nutritionally endowed;”

That clod repeating seventh grade? He’s not a knucklehead;
“Scholastic’lly persistent” is the phrase to use instead;

Don’t talk of “dwarfs” or “midgets” both are terms you should revise;
Today, they’re known as “persons of a non-excessive size;”

You’ll find you’re not offending any group or race or sect
As long as what you’re saying is Politic’lly Correct.

Our nation has no “Indians” in case you haven’t heard,
“Indigenous Americans” is now the term preferred;

Don’t call that drifter “homeless” that’s the no-no of the year;
He’s a “worker in transition” or “an urban pioneer.”

Don’t call that guy in women’s clothes a weirdo or a freak;
He’s “a fashion nonconformist with a lifestyle that’s unique.”

No lack of sensivity will anyone detect
As long as ev’ry comment is Politic’lly Correct.

To psychopathic killers, nicer labels we’re now giving;
They’re “gentlemen who specialize in terminating living;”

Don’t call that creep a “rapist”, he might think you were unkind;
He’s “a sexual crusader” who’s “assertively inclined;”

As for all those scuzzy pushers hooking kids throughout the land,
They’re now “inner city merchants with a product in demand;”

So make certain that you’re careful with the words that you select;
And we guarantee you’ll always be Politic’lly Correct.

Ode to Horny AOL Men

There are so many men that sign on AOL,
they enter the chatrooms and say I’m horny as hell.

Are they really that stupid and f***ed in the head,
do they think we want cyber and not a real date instead?

They try to impress us by saying they’re buff,
when in fact half of them blow their nose on their cuff.

They try to convince us they are thoughtful and sweet,
but we know when they chat with us they’re beating their meat.

They tell us they’re gorgeous, loving and kind,
when the truth is that most of them are out of their mind.

They tell us that they would make a really good catch,
the gals that they dated are what’s making them scratch.

They send us their pictures of how cute they are,
when you meet them they look like they been hit by a car.

They say they run businesses or some hot resort,
but most of them can’t even pay child support.

So listen up ladies, if they sound to good to be true,
it probably is and they just want to cyber screw.