Category Archives: Say What???

The History of “The Finger”

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Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, and proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. English soldiers, therefore, would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! “PLUCK YEW!” Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird”.. And yew thought yew knew everything.

Happy Fun Ball

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Only $14.95

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

  • Itching
  • Vertigo
  • Dizziness
  • Tingling in extremities
  • Loss of balance or coordination
  • Slurred speech
  • Temporary Blindness
  • Profuse sweating
  • Heart Palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Happy Fun Ball – ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

General Motors HelpLine

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General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did….

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!”
    HelpLine: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
    Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
    HelpLine: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
    Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?”

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “My car ran fine for a week and now it won’t go anywhere!”
    HelpLine: “Is the gas tank empty?”
    Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”
    HelpLine: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”
    Customer: “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
    HelpLine: “It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
    Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “Your cars suck!”
    HelpLine: “What’s wrong?”
    Customer: “It crashed, that’s what wrong!”
    HelpLine: “What were you doing?”
    Customer: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It
    worked for a while and then it crashed and it won’t start now!
    HelpLine: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
    Customer: “I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn’t crash any more!”

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
    HelpLine: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
    Customer: “How do I work it?”
    HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
    Customer: “Do I know how to what?”
    HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
    Customer: “I’m not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!”

A Generic Ethnic Joke

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A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

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A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, “Fire! Fire! Fire!” at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy.

“Where’s the fire?” called the chief.

“No fire,” replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. “But if I had yelled, ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’ who would have rescued me?”

The Exterminator

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A man living near the Bronx Zoo wakes up one morning and looks out the window. There, sitting in a tree in his backyard, is a big gorilla. In a panic he looks in the yellow pages for gorilla exterminators and finds one listing. He quickly dials the number, and when a man answers, he shouts, “Please hurry! I have a gorilla in a tree in my backyard!”

When the exterminator pulls up in front of the man’s house, the man runs out excitedly, telling him that the gorilla hasn’t moved at all. So the exterminator says, “Good. Help me unload the truck.”

The exterminator takes out a ladder, a baseball bat, an English bulldog, a large piece of rope, and a shotgun. They take all this stuff around to the side of the house, and just before they round the corner to the backyard, the exterminator stops.

“Okay,” he says to the man, “you’re going to have to help me with this. Now, I’ve done this many times before, and there’s never been any problem. But you must listen very carefully.”

“First, I’m going to go around to the other side of the tree, behind the gorilla, put the ladder against the tree, and climb up. Next I’m going to hit the gorilla with the baseball bat and knock him out of the tree. Now, you will be holding this English bulldog by the leash. When the gorilla hits the ground, you let go of the leash. This English bulldog has been specially trained to do one thing and one thing only. He will run up to the gorilla and bite the gorilla’s balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, you and I will run up with the large piece of rope, tie up the gorilla, and load him into the back of my truck. You got it?”

“Yes,” said the man.

“Now, it’s very important that we do everything in the proper sequence, so I want you to repeat the entire procedure to me.”

“Okay,” says the man. “First, you climb up the ladder behind the gorilla, then you hit the gorilla with the baseball bat, knocking him out of the tree. When he hits the ground, I let go of the specially trained English bulldog and he will run up and bite the gorilla’s balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, we run up with the large piece of rope and tie him up. Then we load him into the back of your truck.”

“Okay. You got it,” says the exterminator. “Let’s go.”

He is just about to start to move toward the tree when the man says, “Hey, wait a minute! What’s the shotgun for?”

“Oh, yeah,” says the exterminator, “I almost forgot to tell you. That’s the most important part! Now, this is just a precaution — it has never happened before, but in the event that the gorilla should somehow knock me out of the tree, shoot the dog.

The Eagle and the Mouse

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A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle’s body and poke his head out of the eagle’s ass. The eagle was still flying around, looking for more food to eat.

The little mouse said, “We’re pretty high up, aren’t we?”

“Yep. Pretty high”, the eagle agreed.

“About how high would you say we are?”, asked the mouse.

“Oh…..I’d say about 10,000 feet”.

To which the mouse asked, “You wouldn’t shit me would you?”

Diary of a Smoker Quitting

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  • Day One: Shit.

  • Day One again only the next day:
    Have tried to kill husband twice.
    Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
    Same for bathroom.
    Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
    Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches,
    which remind me of doobie roaches,
    which remind me of cigarettes.
    Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
    Eat leftover beans from last night – that’ll show him.
    Walk by computer and wave occasionally.
    Can’t sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
    It’s about four-o’ clock now;
    I could have just one, I could have just one,
    I could have just one.
    That’s Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me;
    ‘he’ could be a chick, but frankly,
    right now, I don’t frigging care.
    Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
    Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

  • Day two, morning:
    Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
    Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
    Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.
    Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water “to assist my system flush poison.”
    Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
    Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

  • Day 2, afternoon:
    See husband off to airport for business trip.
    Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
    Did all laundry out of necessity – body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
    Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
    Decide to take walk.
    Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
    She is smoking a cigarette.
    I tell her no out of spite.

  • Day 3, morning:
    Go through dead man’s mail bag;
    Keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
    Feed rest down garbage disposal.

  • Day 3, Afternoon:
    Call garbage disposal repair.

  • Day 4: Receive visitor.
    Police looking for missing mail carrier – received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.
    Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit.
    Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.
    Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
    Burst in to tears.
    Confess.

  • Day 472:
    Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.)

  • Day 478:
    Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
    Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

  • Day 552:
    Receive divorce papers:
    husband marrying tobacco heiress.
    Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
    Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
    Decide husband will live as price too steep.

  • Day 558:
    Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
    Feel better.

  • Day 691:
    Served last meal – minister asks if anything wanted at last moments.
    Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
    Request one last smoke.
    Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in.
    Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh.
    Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.
    Warden enters cell excitedly;
    Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal “It Takes a Village” crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

  • Day 1: Shit.

Swedish Cooking

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Once there was a man in a restaurant. He ordered a hamburger and got it 5 minutes later. He was fixing to eat it when he noticed a hair in it. He took

it to the counter and demanded another, so they got him a new one.

He went back to his seat and was getting ready to eat it when he noticed another hair. He took it back to the counter and demanded a hamburger

WITHOUT hair, so they got a new one. He went back to his seat and was getting ready to eat this one. He saw ANOTHER hair and was outraged.

He demanded to see how they were making their hamburgers. They took him back to the grills and there was an extremely large fat hairy Swedish

man making hamburger under his armpits. The man exclaimed “That’s DISGUSTING!”

The clerk replied, “If you think thats disgusting, you should see the way he makes donuts.”

Chicken Control

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A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. “How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?”

“One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that.”