The AOL Oath

Raise your mouse in your right hand, put your left hand over your heart and repeat:

I, (state your name):

  • promise to be online at all possible times.

  • To answer all mail from people I know.
  • To boldly Surf, Click, Check, Search, Chat, :o), {}, BRB and any others LOL, ROTF, like nobody has done before.
  • I will be pleasant and kind to all AOL members (except the cyber geeks, unless I’m really in the mood).
  • I will remember screen names as I would my own parents names.
    (Children? Who’s got time?)
  • I am addicted and I vow to complete my quest to find out who the heck General Fault is, and why is he in my darned Computer.

So help me Steve Case.

Amen

New AOL Messages

For those of you not on AOL – AOL puts up a message when you’ve been online for 46 minutes making sure you are really there and active.

  • You have been online for 46 minutes.
    Do you want to stay online?
    Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
  • You have been online for 135 minutes.
    Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on.
    Let’s show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?
  • You DO realize that you’ve been online for 184 minutes, right?
    When was the last time you went outside?
  • OK. This is getting ridiculous.
    Frankly, you’re starting to piss us off!
    If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your Buddy List OK?
    Yep, Finally
  • You have been online for 360 minutes now!!
    We promised you unlimited time, we know,
    but can’t you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
  • You have been online for 467 minutes.
    Do you remember your family members’ names?
  • You have been online for 513 minutes.
    Your husband has left you and your dog is starving.
    Do you wish to remain online?
  • You have been online 724 minutes.
    Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord….
  • You have been online 852 minutes,
    do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???”
  • You have been online for 921 minutes.
    Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines?
    Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines?
    Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
  • You have been online for 967 minutes.
    When AOL went unlimited they didn’t think you would take it literally.
    Now get the H*ll off before we go broke!
  • You have been on 1,013 minutes.
    This is Steve I need to sign on m’self and answer some mail.
    Could you please sign off? Thanks!
  • You have been cybering for 1059 minutes.
    Didn’t your mom ever tell you that’d make you go blind?
    Please sign off now while you can still read this message.
  • You have been on 1105 minutes.
    Are you and your family chatting in shifts?
    Geez click ok already!!!
  • You have been on 1151 minutes.
    Welcome to our team…
    …see job application enclosed, (If you can’t beat em hire ’em)
    but don’t return by email.

AOL Merges With the Vatican

CATHOLIC CHURCHES CLOSE IN COST CUTTING MOVE TO EASE WALL STREET

On the heels of announcing the closing of the Warner Brothers stores across the country after their successful merger with Time Warner, AOL is now closing down “in excess of 95%” of Catholic churches after their stock option deal to purchase the Vatican.

Spokesman Mike Flannery for AOL said, “We feel with our new Instant Messenger function installed, people no longer need to visit their local church to talk to God. God has His own chat room and ICQ account. Technology is leading the way and is allowing us to cut from our operation these historically poor performing church locations. Why, did you know that the church officials actually beg for money with each service?”

According to insider sources, Pope John Paul II has taken issue with the closing, saying, “That’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard.”

AOL Time Warner Vatican Visa Hagen Daz Tootsie Roll Janitor In A Drum Charmin Chairman Steve Case replied, “While Mr. Paul, Jr. will continue to run the day to day operations of the Vatican, the plan has been set in motion and we expect Mr. Paul, Jr. will execute the Board’s decision. He’s in line for a significant bonus with this deal — I think his prayers have been answered!”

AOL Mail: Okay for Others, but Not Corporate

And it goes on to say, “In a humbling reversal, AOL Time Warner Inc. is retreating from a top-level directive that required the divisions of the old Time Warner to convert to an e-mail system based on AOL software and run by America Online’s giant public server computers in Virginia.

“Among the problems cited: The e-mail software frequently crashed, staffers weren’t able to send messages with large attachments, they were often kicked offline without warning, and if they tried to send messages to large groups of users they were labeled as spammers and locked out of the system. Sometimes, e-mails were just plain lost in the AOL ether world and never found. And if there was an out-of-office reply function, most people couldn’t find it.”

My favorite quote in the article was, “When computers crashed in the Washington bureau of Time magazine due to the e-mail software, staffers sometimes sung out, “So easy to use, no wonder it’s number one!’

At one point yesterday, a complete stranger walked up to me and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop smiling like that, the top of your head will fall off because the corners of your mouth are about to meet at the back of your noggin’.”

AOL Lament

So here I sit, in all my glory…
Lend me an ear, and I’ll tell ya a story…
Once had a wife–she was such a dear,
Then came AOL, and it all disappeared!

Now there she sits , for hours on end…
don’t care where I’m goin’, don’t care where I’ve been.
It could be two, or it could be nine…
she really doesn’t care, long as she’s online.

She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, “Get off the phone!”
Where the hell’s my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she’s at the computer–that’s all she missed!

Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities–I’m in cyber Hell!!
My stomach’s growling–it’s so unfair!
No clean dishes and I’m out of underwear!

Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I’ll pick at my teeth while I’m scratching my balls
Farting and burping all while I pee
Can you believe she’s there?? She could be with ME!!

101 Uses for Those AOL Disks!

  1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
  2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! – you’ve got a fly swatter.
  3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
  4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
  5. Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case…the “rich nerd” look is IN this year).
  6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
  7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
  8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
  9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
  10. Dentures (melt and form them into new teeth for grandma).
  11. Room dividers for hamsters.
  12. Drink coasters.
  13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
  14. Ice scraper.
  15. Bathroom tile.
  16. Bookmark.
  17. Air hockey puck.
  18. Dog chew toy.
  19. Dart board.
  20. Pooper scooper.
  21. Grill scraper.
  22. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
  23. Wrist slicer – after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
  24. Conversation piece for coffee table.
  25. Destroy them – smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
  26. Light switch cover.
  27. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
  28. Clay pigeons for target practice.
  29. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
  30. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
  31. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
  32. Firewood.
  33. Bird house.
  34. Paper weights.
  35. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
  36. Post it-notes holder.
  37. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
  38. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
  39. Keep ’em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
  40. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon – actually works).
  41. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
  42. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
  43. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
  44. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car’s hood).
  45. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
  46. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
  47. Hand them out as party favors.
  48. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?)
  49. Vertical blinds.
  50. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
  51. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
  52. Grind ’em up and refertilize the front lawn.
  53. The new “Domino’s stuffed-crust pizza” filling.
  54. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
  55. Brake shoes.
  56. House insulation.
  57. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
  58. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates’ new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
  59. Hockey Puck.
  60. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
  61. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
  62. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk…makes the perfect pet.
  63. Poker chips.
  64. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
  65. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you’ve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
  66. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
  67. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
  68. Grind them up to make fake snow.
  69. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
  70. Dental floss (use actual disk).
  71. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
  72. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
  73. Use them to fill potholes.
  74. Hood ornament.
  75. Snow blower replacement blades.
  76. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
  77. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
  78. Rubic’s cube case (make into box).
  79. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
  80. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
  81. Snack trays (great for holding hors d’oeuvres at parties).
  82. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who tick you off.
  83. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2″ apart and apply honey to disks).
  84. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector -thanks Lewis).
  85. They make a *dandy* addition to a annoying neighbor’s back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
  86. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
  87. Wax scraper for snowboards.
  88. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater.
  89. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
  90. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
  91. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
  92. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
  93. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas….)
  94. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
  95. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center – use about 200).
  96. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
  97. Baby mobile.
  98. Fence (may need a few thousand).
  99. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
  100. One word: Frisbee!
  101. Mouse hole covers.

If AOL Was a City…

  • You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.
  • You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
  • Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 56K modems for only $399.99.
  • The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
  • The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
  • The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
  • If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you ‘really are important to us.’
  • Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, ‘WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.’
  • Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
  • You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
  • You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
  • The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

The Merger of AOL and Time Warner

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

  • Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course
    will strictly be a coincidence.
  • The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”
  • When you try to access a web site that AOL blocks because they know that you are too stupid to think for yourself, Tweety Bird will say, “I tawt I taw a Puddy… I did, I did see a Puddy… ACCESS IS DENIED!”
  • The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.
  • Now that AOL owns everything, there is no one left for them to sell your private and personal information to. Therefore, they will now use that information to obtain a mandatory AOL Visa card in your name and make purchases on your behalf and bill you whatever they want whether you like it or not.
  • Now, when you turn off your TV set, AOL will automatically download television programs without your permission and delete the channels of competitors that they don’t want you to watch. Of course the next logical step will be popup ads on the screen while you’re trying to watch your favorite show, and the inevitable outcome will be… “You’ve been watching TV for too long, your connection has been terminated”… CLICK!

The AOL Car

  • The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
  • The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
  • The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
  • The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
  • AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.
  • Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.
  • The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.
  • The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
  • Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
  • If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
  • The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
  • AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
  • AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
  • Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
  • It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
  • AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
  • Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age/location?
  • It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
  • AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
  • AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
  • Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye.”

AOL Addiction

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!
I tried to stay busy…
And keep it off my mind.
So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their PC.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.
But I didn’t care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn’t find the password
no matter how hard I tried!
I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
“We have ourselves a Psycho here”
and she has got to go!”
Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.
He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
“Don’t come round here no more!”
I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart….
How low can I go?
So I’ll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL addiction!