CATHOLIC CHURCHES CLOSE IN COST CUTTING MOVE TO EASE WALL STREET
On the heels of announcing the closing of the Warner Brothers stores across the country after their successful merger with Time Warner, AOL is now closing down “in excess of 95%” of Catholic churches after their stock option deal to purchase the Vatican.
Spokesman Mike Flannery for AOL said, “We feel with our new Instant Messenger function installed, people no longer need to visit their local church to talk to God. God has His own chat room and ICQ account. Technology is leading the way and is allowing us to cut from our operation these historically poor performing church locations. Why, did you know that the church officials actually beg for money with each service?”
According to insider sources, Pope John Paul II has taken issue with the closing, saying, “That’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard.”
AOL Time Warner Vatican Visa Hagen Daz Tootsie Roll Janitor In A Drum Charmin Chairman Steve Case replied, “While Mr. Paul, Jr. will continue to run the day to day operations of the Vatican, the plan has been set in motion and we expect Mr. Paul, Jr. will execute the Board’s decision. He’s in line for a significant bonus with this deal — I think his prayers have been answered!”